The creation of Penny Flame.
Although I claim to be "finding my voice" I must say, I have always
had one. I've always spoken through Penny Flame, and the voice that
rang out through her was and is mine. As clouded by drugs and booze as
it may have been at times, the voice was/is mine and I am proud to
claim her as my creation. She has every positive and beautiful quality
that I have inside, and if I didn't have these qualities, there is no
way I could ever portray them in her. Dr. Drew even said that Penny is
a great chick, a phenomenal character, but she is just a character, and
the movie she starred in has ended. At no point in my life will I ever
regret being in pornography, because without it, I would be on an
entirely different path, and in actuality, I am more than grateful to
be on the path I reside. A recovering pornstar and addict.
I've had some comments asking whether or not I still want people
watching my films. And the answer is yes. Of course I do. In fact I
finally launched http://www.PennyFlame.com, and I am not ashamed of
being a pornstar, albeit a recovering one. I am not ashamed of anything
I have done on film, because at the times I did them, I made adult
making adult decisions. I am entirely accountable for my actions, and
at no point will I ever say "Porn Made Me Do It." If I were to get
online (or anywhere for that matter) and claim that pornography has
created the monster that I feel lurking inside, I would be a hypocrite
and a sham.
What has been bothering me is the thought that other peoplemay think I've hopped on the God Squad with overzealous Shelly Lubben,
who is in no way connected with what I am doing here. She is not
someone that I aspire to be, because truth be told, Penny Flame is a
bad bitch and one hot chick I want in my corner. At no point in my life
will I ever pull a Jenna and bite the hand that feeds me, and has fed
me for 8 glorious years. I loved doing porn, love watching porn, and
think it is a great industry for people that can handle it. I just
can't anymore. To an extent. Which is why I've started down a new path.
What bothers me even more is the fact that I'm trippin off what
other people think. Why the fuck do I care what some asshole on a forum
says about me? Why the fuck do I worry about people thinking I've
turned to the Christian Right movement, which I obviously haven't. I
mean, I can't even say God in the serenity prayer in AA. I replace it
with the word gravity. Gravity is my higher power. It is stronger than
me and certainly more consistent. Occasionally I mix it in with Buddha.
Buddha, grant me the Serenity. Even Love. Love is my higher power. But
the G word has always wigged me out, especially the fundamentalist
nonsense that Shelly spews. The revelations I am experiencing have
nothing to do with God, or crazy Shelly, they have to do with ME. And
only ME. And maybe gravity.
There are so many positive things that have come from my career in
adult, the massive amount of support and friends being first and
foremost. These are the people that will help me create a new life, and
figure out who Jennie is. Because even though there are times when I
can't see who I am, the wonderful people around me always have,
regardless of the name I've chosen to use.
The amount of people I've been able to reach through this career is
remarkable. I've had men come to me saying I was the only one there for
them on their loneliest night. Had couples thank me profusely for a
scene I participated in that they really connected over. I've taught
classes on handjobs and blowjobs and had people thank me for making
them feel special by handing them a baby wipe. When I would dance, guys
would drive hours to come see me, and be so nervous they would shake,
and it was my pleasure to sit with them all night just talking, because
I care. There are so many aspects of being a pornstar that I love, and
will continue to love because they are such a huge part of Jennie, and
it is that reason that makes it so hard for me to separate myself from
Penny Flame. Because I want to be able to touch people as Jennie, and
only Jennie, too. And that is what I'm trying to do here.
This blog isn't about quitting porn and renouncing it, or condemning
it. Its a great industry and makes many many people happy, pays many
folks bills, and makes tons of lonely people feel not so alone.
This issue at hand for me has never been porn. It hasn't even been
sex. The issue at hand, and with sex addiction, is intimacy.Sex
Addiction is an Intimacy Disorder, a disorder I've suffered from since
a young age. Sex is simply a means of acting out. I can't connect with
people on an intimate level, regardless of whether or not I am fucking
them, and this is a problem. Every single person in my life knows only
the surface, the small amount of emotion that I allow to push through,
and most the time I only allow it to show because I have to act human
in order to be accepted. I've confused intimacy with intensity, and
therein lies the problem. Porn didn't make me like this. It made sense
for me to do porn because the way I AM, it made showing up on set and
fucking someone who's real name never crossed my lips easy as pie, but
I cared less about guys before I started fucking them on
film. I am tired of being that way, of being emotionally bankrupt
because of me, and that is why I am making these changes.
Just because I am making changes, does not make me ashamed of the
life I've led. Just because I no longer wish to perform does not mean I
want the entire industry to die, or kick rocks. This has been an
amazing career for me, and I would recommend being a pornstar to anyone
that can momentarily put aside the need to be intimate, and then pick
it back up and go on with life. You can make yourself a little nest egg
and live pretty (well you used to be able to but the economic state of
the biz is so so). But I'd also recommend they quit the moment they
can't pick that emotion back up, the moment intimate becomes a foreign
word. And that is what I am doing now. Putting my career down to figure
out what intimate actually means. As it turns out, I never knew.
But that has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with finding me. With Becoming Jennie.