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Kayden Kross Blog

For everything else, There's Visa

I was saved from one disastrous impulse buy after the next
today. I felt like I had a little guardian angel following me around as I
continued blindly and stupidly forward. I affectionately named him Visa, in
honor of Neil Gaiman.
It started with a costume store that I'd been meaning to get
to because with the release of "Tyler's Wood" and two features coming up in
April, it seemed only natural that I would have a golf outfit. I'm female
though. The golf outfit multiplied like a virus into a mermaid outfit, a
Raggedy Ann outfit, a belly dancer number, and something with a long-tailed
formal jacket. As I started to piece together a Charlie Chaplin idea that
sprang into my head at the height of my creative fury, the storeowner went into
the back to grab everything in my size. He came back shaking his head with one
pitiful thing in his hand--my golf outfit. Everything else was out of my size
range. I bought it and left.
I was in Studio City and had two hours to kill before my
next appt at the Apple store to fix a glitch I had on the laptop (turns out it
was operator error). I didn't want to drive downtown only to turn around and
leave again so I started trying to kill time with other errands that could be
run. I needed gas. Diesel gas. I couldn't find it though because it's LA and
I'm the only asshole left who doesn't drive a BMW or a Prius. I decided then
and there that I was going to trade my truck in. I was done. I was sick of the
parking issues, sick of the parking tickets, sick of the fucking pedestrians who
step in front of me all the time not realizing that my hood is too high for me
to see their happy-go-lucky little heads bobbing along right in front of it.
That's what crosswalks and red lights are for. I was sick of the $700
registration for my vehicle size and finally I was sick of getting 11.8 miles
to the gallon while I spent most of it driving around in situations like these
trying to find another place to fill up on diesel. The truck had recently been
fully serviced and detailed. It was in perfect condition and there was a CarMax
5 minutes away. It was time.
But first I needed Starbucks.
And when I came out of Starbucks my truck had for no reason
whatsoever developed an antifreeze leak. Green mutant fluid was running
everywhere. I couldn't trade it in while it was still in the process of
hemorrhaging vital fluids. I sighed and drove to the mall instead to wait out
the time for the computer appt. There would be no impulse car buying and
selling today. I would have to join the legions of BMW and Prius drivers
another time.
So the unfortunate thing about this particular mall is the
layout. I hit the food court first and opened a book over lunch (by lunch I
mean 6pm first real meal of the day). An hour later I was starting to feel
strange still sitting around a mall reading the book. I decided to browse as I
slowly made my way towards the Apple store. The only interesting thing between
my current location and final destination was a puppy store. Fuck my life. That
puppy store had Corgis. Very few things can compete with the face of a Corgi
And I held the Corgi. It was a boy. I love boys. It was
brown and white. I love brown and white. It chewed my shoelaces. I love my
shoelaces. When I looked up it was 7:30 and I realized I was gonna be late so I
handed it back and ran across the aisle. 15 minutes later everything was
cleared up and I was back at the puppy store being chewed to pieces and barked
at. It was bliss. Blood ran from my fingers. Other customers kept looking over
nervously because when he barked he really meant it, then he'd growl, then he'd
go in for the kill. I imagined my rabbit living peacefully back at home, my
leather couch, my other shoelaces. I watched him chew on a wall corner and I
thought of my own wall corners, pristine and white. I watched him piss on the
floor and I thought of my beautiful hardwood floors, laid in 1925. I asked how
much he was. I winced. But still I wasn't deterred. It was the store that said
no, because this one had a cold and he wouldn't be ready to go until next week.
I left empty handed, with Visa the guardian angel hanging his head in
exhaustion. I found my truck mysteriously repaired. On the drive home I decided
to stop for a pint of ice cream on the way. They were out of my flavor.

For more Kayden Kross visit Club Kayden

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