My Mental Clitoris
My sexuality is changing, and no, I don't mean I am giving up the penis and going only for the muff. I am excited about this change. It means I am growing up and becoming a big girl.
I am going to get a little personal here and reveal I have recently left a three year relationship where I really had an opportunity to explore myself sexually. I am truly grateful to him for this experience, but now that I am single, I am a little perplexed. In the past when I have left relationships, it's been exciting because I have the opportunity to be single and carefree and date whomever and sleep with whomever. Back then I didn't discriminate. I would sleep with a friend, a date, a not so-good-friend and strangers. I was never an incredibly promiscuous person, but overall, I didn't have many guide lines as to who I would sleep with and when.
So, once again, I am perplexed why? I don't want the same things as I used to. My wants and needs have changed, but I am not sure exactly what those are. I admit that I am annoyed I feel this way at such a young age. Ideally I'd like to be how I used to be, where I didn't know any better. Now it's more complicated. You might assume what I am going through means I want a steady relationship or someone special to share my sexual experiences with, but this isn't true at all. I'm still ok with strangers and random sex, but I think the circumstances under which this happens need to change. I am in porn, so I have random sex almost everyday. I love doing this but because it's so common I have to do something different in my personal life otherwise it's really mundane. I guess I want there to be a more defined difference between my work sex and personal sex.
I think I need my mental clitoris stimulated. We all have one, especially women. I would like to believe that this is the difference between a slutty girl in her 20s and and an experienced lady in her 40s. In your 20s you learn how to stimulate your clitoris. Some have trouble finding it in the first place and others find it right away and all they want to do is stimulate it. As you get older you realize things beyond just simple physical satisfaction. I mean, does fucking a lot make you a women? No. A part of what makes you a women is knowing yourself and feeling comfortable even when it comes to your sexuality. There are things I think will bring me to this heightened level of sexual prowess, but I have to keep some secrets.
So while I suck and fuck on film, I will continue to explore what will really stimulate the part of me needing the attention I don't get while shooting scenes. That part is important, and for some, never gets an opportunity to develop. I feel I am fortunate to recognize this and know my mental clitoris is peeking out and wants to blossom... and it will. I can't wait because when I am truly in touch with this special side of me, I will have gone from a slutty girl in her 20s to a true woman.