To Be a Fish or to Lust?
I have boy problems... I guess just like any other girl. Give me a girl with no boy problems and you have a fish. I'm not sure what that means, but when I picture a girl with out a single boy problem I actually picture a fish. So here I am, far away from being a fish, and it's really a pain. Growing up I had so many boy friends - ones who were actually just friends. I could tell my mom found it awkward when I asked if Preston (not me!) could come over and play in the 2nd grade. I blew her off and pretended and I didn't know why she thought it was weird, even though I knew why. I didn't feel it was awkward though. He really was just my friend.
Throughout my life I went through a plethora of men. Some of them were guys who had crushes on me and followed me around. Eventually I gave in half-way and became friends with them. Some were guys I had crushes on but never told them, so we remained friends. Some were just that - friends, always. At any point in my life I usually only had one or two close girlfriends, but I found boys easier to get a long with. I know what they want; I know what they need; I know what they want to hear. Girls, I'm not always too sure, and I don't really care.
So here I am at age 26, and I'm still kind of in the same boat. I'm in a boat surrounded by men. Single men, married men, men with girlfriends, men with girlfriends and wives, separated men, men with girls with benefits, men with men with benefits, men with life partners, men with kids, men you like, men who like you, men who like you and every other female around, and men who like men who like you for some reason. When did being with a guy become so complicated? I'm reading a book about Ernest Hemingway and his first wife, and it seemed so simple then. First of all, travel options were not as abundant as now, so you didn't meet as many people. Personal orientation was still a thing of the future and the idea of marriage and family was almost expected, so you didn't see a million other people leading completely different lives then you.
Eventually, I have to wonder why I've always had so many men around in my life, and I feel like I may know the answer. Lust. Love is scary now-a-days, but lust is a wonderful feeling, and I think people should feel it as often as they can. Lust is more simple. It could be lust for your hot neighbor or lust for the guy who works at the grocery store. It doesn't matter because it is so simple and comes with no baggage the way love does. Love is amazing, but it requires a lot of discretion. Lust makes you feel good even if it's for a very short moment and then it may pass and it doesn't leave a lingering sadness or heartache. Only a short memory of how good it feels to look at a certain someone.
So I have to ask myself, if I lived in that era with Ernest Hemingway, would I live a simple life and settle down with a nice man? No, probably not. I'm sure I'd still find a way to surround myself with all kinds of men and somehow find something about each one of them I lust about. I'd be the girl who went off and did something different from everyone else. I'd search for a more exciting (complicated) world. In fact, I'd probably marry Ernest Hemingway on a whim and move to Paris just as his first wife did.
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