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Chanel Preston


Chanel Versus Her Own Horoscope



So, I have this app. And if you follow me on Twitter you may already know this, but I have this horoscope app and every day it gives me a small sentence about love, mood, career, and wellness. They all are the normal horoscopey type phrases you would expect... except for the wellness. The wellness one always says really bizarre things. One time it told me I needed to immediately go to a doctor to get blood work drawn, and then just yesterday it told me it doesn't make sense to apply slimming cream if I'm just going to go to the bakery... I'm sure you can see my concern with this app. It also told my friend that her aches and pains were going to completely ruin her day, and I remember it telling me one time I was putting on some weight, so I should head to the gym.

 

What you may have noticed in the previous paragraph is I used the word "told," as if there was a real person telling me these things. As if there was a little, old lady sitting inside my app rubbing her wrinkly hands all over her weird crystal ball, and the moment I open the app, I get a very quiet little whisper in my ear saying something like this, "You're getting fat, Bitch."

 

So, I'm guilty of personifying an app on my phone. But isn't it fun sometimes? Isn't it fun to imagine we don't have to figure things out for a moment, and you can just push a little button, and it will tell you what you need to know that day about love, moods, careers, and wellness? This is why so many people love horoscopes, because it's like a choose your own adventure. You can read your horoscope one day, and it will tell you you're going to have an amazing day, and you totally believe it! But another day it can tell you you're going to have a shitty day, and you can tell it to go fuck off because it's all fake anyway.

 

So if I had a choice, would I want an app that could truly tell me how my day was going to go? Absolutely not. I like the unexpected. I like the surprise factor... surprise! You have a flat tire.... surprise! Your cat shit on your bed... surprise! You just fucked a tranny. Life is sure full of surprises, and would I really want my app to tell me that my cat was going to shit on my bed? No, I wouldn't.

 

So to wrap things all up I tried to think of a clever way to tie in some sex to this blog and I did so VERY subtlety with the tranny comment earlier, but in case you missed it, I will end on the note of Surprise! You fucked a tranny.

 

 

-XO Chanel

 

Chanel Playing in the Pool


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