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Don the Curmudgeon's Corner

Twas the Night Before Porn-mas

Twas the Night before, the night before Christmas

Twas the night before the night before Christmas, when all through the place,
Don was wishing for Brianna Love to come sit on his face.
Hung like a mouse, this reviewer did care,
bout the hotties he'd encounter in Vegas over there.

He tested some toys in his warm winter's bed,
dreaming of Stoya giving him head.
With vacuum in hand she avoided his back door,
knowing the limits of his pain she refused to ignore.

The screeners all piled precariously on edge,
Don considering a Brazilian to come clean his hedge.
The tons of flesh he'd be ogling at the upcoming show,
were bound to fuel fires for months on the go.

The breasts they'd be heaving all over the show,
with companies a'reeling at the flakes that didn't go.
His camera a clicking as fast as could be,
Don's goal to top last year with six hundred and three.

But that is his future many miles away,
Don compiling the top porn lists from reviewers this day.
With titles like Upload, the Bradys and more,
Desert Stormy, and Ass Worship all full of hot whores.

While watching some clips from the short list you see,
came eight or more top picks he'd add to the decree.
More rapid they came as he went through the stacks,
working on instinct, experience, and facts.

Now Wicked! now Vivid!, now, All Play and Jules,
some others showing promise while yet more were fools!
On top of the cabinets, the TV, and desk,
the titles had accumulated and made quite a mess.

The payoffs were legion according to Steph,
though those in the know rolled their eyes at the pest.
With thousands of titles all jostled around,
there was plenty of porn to inspire this hound.

The following weeks would prove who was right,
the standouts rewarded with all of our might.
The lame crud abounding and the top picks not legion,
Eva, Brianna, and Jules with his teasing.

I sprang to my keyboard to knock out this verse,
accepting my limits and knowing my curse.
For porn is not always regarded with delight,
the haters too willing to cut at their slights.

Yet this is the place where the truth shall still reign,
our honesty sometimes viewed by directors with pain.
The next year will show fans why Xcritic exists,
no matter who out there jumps up and down in fits.

See the panties are wadded on those who attack,
our principles unyielding, no knives in our back.
We'll be here to help you as best that we can,
send comments to Don or even the Man!

(apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

Merry Christmas everyone!

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