Recently I feel as if I am making a huge transition in my life and how I operate, I am growing and maturing and learning my way around the world. I am discovering exactly who I am, what I want out of life and how I am going to go about getting it. My perspective on a lot of things has changed and I am not really sure when it happened but it seemed to have happened overnight. Maybe its because I have been reading many books as of late as well as listening to my own spirit, I have no clue how I entered into this transition but I know that it is happening.
I have been in Vegas all this week which means I really have not had much distraction and have been able to actually process some of the things that happened this past trip to LA and let me tell you, I really needed to do some reflecting. One of the things that has really been getting to me is the fact that everything I do, everything I involve myself in, I always want to give my 100% to it. I am extremely intense and I do like to say whats on my mind and follow what my spirit and heart tells me to do, but a lot of people cannot seem to handle it. The human race has become so accustomed to everyone lying about everything and half assing anything they put themselves into that when someone like me comes along, they don't know what they're supposed to do. I really am not wanting to change the person that I am in that aspect so what I need to do is either learn how to continue being myself and expressing myself without freaking people the fuck out or learn how to not take it to heart when people can't handle when something real comes along. In a world full of cheats, liars, and just straight up phoney people, I am definitely a rare commodity and I just wish that people weren't so taken aback by the authenticity that I bring to the table.
This weekend I fucked up and drank after not drinking for almost a month and I realized that I really need to and want to stop drinking. I really do not drink that often anymore but when I do drink, I go way overboard and that's just not cool. (and before you jump to conclusions I DO NOT drink on set, I did once and realized it was a horrible idea and I couldn't fully enjoy the experience of shooting porn, and we all know how much I love fucking on film!) My body is getting older and it seems each time I drink my body just gets angrier and angrier and having have gone to the hospital twice in the past year for alcohol poisoning I should know better, and I do, I just really haven't made the conscious decision to quit drinking altogether yet but I am now ready. I do not want to drink anymore and I am not going to drink anymore. I know, I know, I have said this a million times before and really, I have been drinking way less frequently, BUT I have not lowered the amount that I drink when I do drink and that is just taking a toll on my body and really, I just want to be healthy. I have decided that until I can learn the meaning of moderation (even if I just drink once every few weeks) I am stepping back away from the alcohol. I never used to get hangovers, I never used to get sick, I never used to black out but the few times I have drank the past couple of months it has been horrible and I think this is just God's way of telling me "Hey bitch! Quit poisoning your body I gave you with this shit!" So, here I am, Cinco De Mayo, home, not out, not drinking, none of that.
I realize I do not need alcohol to have a good time, I do not need alcohol for anything. It is so funny because I look back on all of my years of stripping and I NEVER had ANYTHING to drink until right after I got married. This is another reason I know that I am doing the right thing in divorce because it was obviously a very toxic relationship and the start of my part time alcohol problem. I hated the fact that the guy I married was always drunk and now looking back, I was just trying to "get back" at him when I would go to stripper work on Fridays and Saturdays by getting drunk as well. Now that he is out of my life, I really do not feel the need to drink anymore, I do not need to poison my body, I never needed to do so. I had become what I hated (part-time, 2 nights a week) and just haven't dropped the habit. Well fuck you, dude I married, and fuck alcohol too. I don't need or want either of you, keep your toxicity to yourself because you are no longer poisoning my life. I have grown up.
Other things that have been on my life lately are the future and where I am headed, and really, it seems that I am headed in the right direction. I am working hard on my steady growing career, working on improving myself mentally and physically and I have really never felt better. I am extremely happy for the recent decisions I have made and the great people that I have in my life. I realize that there are still some people around me that do not believe in me or that want to bring me down but those people don't mean shit to me. I know who and what I am now and nobody can tell me differently. I am Leya Fuckin' Falcon, mother, daughter, friend, porn star, blogger, columnist, determined, intelligent, hard working, crazy (in a good way) , silly, filthy, fun, honest, loving, and genuine. I am 100% Leya Fuckin' Falcon, take it or leave it, love it or hate it, it doesn't change the facts but I do appreciate each and every one of you that is fully supportive of me because without the great team of people to back me up, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am peaceful, I am happy and my happiness only continues to grow day by day as I grow as a person, grow closer to the people that matter in my life and grow my career. If you are reading this, you are more than likely supportive of me and for that, I am TRULY thankful!
Whew! Now that I got all of that out, it is time for me to say goodnight!
Oh...but before I go...here is my "May The Fourth Be With You" Greeting I did w/ Brazzers
Also check out my new spread and interview in this months Cheri Magazine...Go pick up your copy! Thanks to @Twicer on twitter for letting me know I was in this and for sharing the photos!!