Sex And Ice Cream
This blog is going to be pure plain and simple,. What you are about to get is an unadulterated and candid look at the person I am and for once I am not going to include pictures because I want people to pay attention to what I am revealing about the desires of my soul instead of paying attention to what I am revealing underneath my clothing.
I remember once upon a time I was a wild and crazy teenager that would fuck any black man or sexy woman that wanted to fuck, it was something I actually sought out. I would pick up these men and women over the internet, at movie theaters, at school, you name it I would more than likely find someone to have a one night stand with. So why would a girl be seeking these things during her teen years starting as early as age 12? Plain and simply it was done out of a need of attention that I could not find through anything else I had tried, I didn't care if it were positive or negative attention, all I knew is that I was angry and felt abandoned by my father because though he was there, he more often than not would ignore me and let his multiple girlfriends and wives he's had throughout my lifetime take precendence over me.
I am not going to say I didn't enjoy myself when I was running around in "slut mode" because most of the time, it felt really good, physically, that is. After around my third partner I had discovered that these men were using me to fulfill their physical desires just as much as I was using them to gain attention, a sense of feeling like someone actually cared about me even for a moment in time, it was then that I realized if I was going to continue with this I would have to become emotionally numb. I had no remorse, no feelings, it was just a mutual payoff, they get off then I, in turn, would recieve the attention I so desired. This here is probably why I am so good at what I do, I (in most cases, I will talk about the exceptions) can very easily separate sex from any sort of emotional attachment.
This is a practice that I continued for years until I met my boyfriend, Anthony that I dated my entire senior year. For the first time I had kissed a guy (I had done everything else but kiss men, weird, I know) and had sex that was portrayed as an expression of love towards each other and it was wonderful. This was when I realized that all of these years and hundreds of people later that I had lost myself. Soon after Anthony broke up with me I had come across my (very soon) ex husband and had the same feeling so I dug deep inside of myself to find out who I am and what I want out of life and how I am going to go about getting it.
I knew for sure, since the age of 14, that I wanted to make porn my career because I enjoyed sex so much and also the attention you get fucking a guy on film is never ending, people will watch it over and over. I tell everyone all the time that I got into this business because I have a passion for making good fuck films, having a good fucking time and knowing that I will be getting tons of attention from those that watch my scenes over and over was more than enough to seal the deal for me. And as MUCH as I LOVE what I do and have no intentions or desire to "retire" anytime soon, I want to put it out there that there is more to me than what you see through my "porn persona."
Yes, my porn persona is a very real part of me but it is not all I am composed of and I am no longer that "super slut" off camera that I once was and haven't been in about 9 years up until this past February when I was debating my next move in life and wondering if I would ever have that healthy and real relationship that I so desired and with my chosen career, I didn't really think I would find anyone that would be accepting and okay with it so I put my on my front once again and started sleeping around again (though, with respect to my co workers health as well as my own, I had decided I would only be with industry people with clean tests) so I met up with one of these porn guys expecting nothing more than what I had with every other guy in my teen years but I was very mistaken.
My journey with this guy has no lie, been a roller coaster ride, I had slept with some other people in the industry off camera during the month of march when we were not speaking and after every single one of those I realized that No, this whole slut thing is not me anymore, I would go home and cry because this is not what I wanted nor something I ever want again, this said guy is who I wanted. Outside of fucking on film, I am a one man woman and because of my past and my "porn persona" said person sees me as "not the most credible person", "the chick I fucked", and nothing more than "sex and ice cream" (though I thought we were much more and shared much more than that) and needless to say I am EXTREMELY hurt right now as I thought I had been showing who I really am but I guess he just doesn't want to see it.
Well, I am here to tell you that my "porn persona" is not the REAL me, yes, I am silly and perverted and I enjoy rough and crazy sex and working with big black cocks and going to stripper work and drinking and dancing but when it comes to real life, like I said, I am a one man woman. I have the desire to settle down (when I find the right person to do so with) and have a complete family and maybe even have more kids (either through me or through adoption) and it is something I am very ready for. I want to have my career in porn and a healthy, long term relationship with a big family. Nothing has EVER made me happier than when (before porn) I was a housewife, taking care of my husband and our daughter and doing everything I could to serve them while still being able to also provide financially by going work a couple nights a week at the strip club. I LIVED to make my family happy, I LOVED it when I did go to stripper work on the weekend and would come home and have someone to cuddle with and have either rough crazy sex, or slow and passionate sex (whatever the mood was) and then help him get ready to go to work. Though I do not miss the unhealthy relationship with him, I miss the whole family aspect.
I am in no rush to make the same mistake of committing to the wrong person again but when that right person does come along, I am ready, I know what I want and what I want is not to be what I was in my teen years, I want a healthy, long term relationship complete with a family, it may be hard to find because I am unwilling to give up my career that I have chosen and love so much, but I believe it is possible, I need someone to understand me, be patient and helpful with my past damage I am still working through, someone that TRUSTS me that I also trust, there needs to be mutual respect and understanding, loyalty and all of that. I do not want someone that is a carbon copy of me, I want someone with different interests that I can learn to become interested in as well and share experiences with and learn from. I do not expect a perfect or even a traditional relationship, but we do need to be on the same page and when conflict comes up there needs to be communication and forgiveness.
So besides my desire and willingness to find the right person to settle down with there is still a ton more to me than what most people want to see. I am extremely honest to a fault , though sometimes I will say things like "I'm okay" when I am really not, its human nature. I know a certain person recently told many people that he did not find me "the most credible" person and it appears perfection is expected of me, I say I am -NOT- going to do something, such as jump to conclusions or make direct verbal attacks (which I apologize for and am working on not acting so much on my emotions) when I feel threatened, I guess this makes me "not the most credible person" because I have times where I act more according to my feelings than according to logic and I don't believe that this along with my porn persona and different interests calls for someone I love and care for very deeply to say I am just "sex and ice cream", "the chick he fucked" or "not the most credible." I am hurting very deeply over this especially when he hasn't necessarily been Mr. Perfect but I still am willing to put in the effort and actually am putting in the effort to makes things work when each day that goes by he finds more and more ways to hurt me with his actions and what I feel are verbal attacks. Everyone keeps telling me to move on because he obviously is not into me anymore and just comes up with every excuse possible as to why we wont work but here is another thing about me, I do not give up that easily unless if I am POSITIVE that things wont work but he keeps sending me mixed signals so I keep holding on and doing my best to make it work even though it is impossible for any type of human relationship to survive when only one person is working on it. It takes two to tango and right now, I am trying to do this whole tango thing while he just sits on the sidelines and, as I have said before, it REALLY hurts.
Though some people beg to differ, I am more than my "porn persona" I am more than "sex, ice cream, Tito's Vodka, Bone Thugs N Harmony and Darth Vader" I am a loving, caring, loyal, forgiving, honest woman with a huge heart and a huge desire to find that right person and have this "leave it to beaver" type family to take care of by doing everything that a woman should, cook, clean, take care of the kids, satisfy her man sexually and emotionally by sharing new experiences with him and even participating in and learning to like things that she normally would not gravitate towards, work through conflict when it comes up without hostility, communicate efficiently and forgive when there are fuck ups. THIS is what I want, THIS is what I am ready for, THIS is the other side of me that you do not see when I am fucking on film, stripping, or at events but it is the biggest part of me.
Until I find this person and have this complete family that I want I am just going to focus on my daughter and myself, when the time is right the right person will walk into my life and I am ready and waiting for it. I am not going to be running around fucking anyone outside of work unless if it is someone that I love and care for and see things headed in the direction of being serious, because, well, sleeping around outside of shooting smut films, that's no longer who I am, I am going to be working more on my career and keep it on the up and up and if I get horny, well, that's what toys are made for. I will continue to be the fitness enthusiast that I am, continue expressing myself through my writing and my artwork, reading books (I prefer non fiction as I love to learn!), spending my time I have outside of work with my daughter doing the things I enjoy like going to the library, park and museums and participating in whatever new and exciting activities my friends want me to share with them.
Moral Of The Story: I am much more than just sex and ice cream and had to vent.