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On Fire by Penny Flame

Penny Flame Blog

Penny Flame

On Holding Sand

I should be writing something else. Anything else besides a journal entry that is pretty much going nowhere. I should be writing one of many things that I have committed myself to writing, but I have chosen this night for myself. To write for myself, and play for myself. Which is why I am not drinking right now with my teammates for this summer's XBiz forum drinking competition, the "boat races".

Well it's a combination of that and the pure and simple fact that I have been drinking now for the past three days, (yes, pretty much solid, hello old school Penny Flame), and to be honest, my recovery time is just not what it used to be.

I used to be able to drink SOLID for five days, morning to night, without a hangover, without being bloated, without feeling that sweet catholic guilt under which I never had the pleasure of being raised. I used to be able to drink. But now, its hard. Now it makes me feel like ouchie. So I do other things. I give people the run around, letting them think that I am on my way to go drinking with them when in actuality I am sitting in my backyard perved off that one glass of wine my doctor recommended, and you know what? I am fucking happy with my choice. I am happy with the fact that I no longer have the desire to go out and get obliterated to the point where I have to ask homies what happened the next morning. I am happy with my progress, if that's what you'd like to call it. Basically, I am happy. Which is why I don't feel the need to drink.

I have a ton of shit going on right now, and I feel like drinking in preparation for a week of drinking is just a little bit redundant. I mean, I realize that I need to build my tolerance for this coming weeks show, but really? Is it really healthy that I try and build a LIQUOR tolerance? Hmmmm....lets think. I have a tendency to rationalize things that shouldn't otherwise be rationalized. Here are some things that I can rationalize into being okay. Even if just for a moment.

Drink: The only reason I am pounding this beer is because I am captain of a team of big strong men who can easily pound a beer, and our competition may be fierce, and I may be asked to rally my troops. I am a good leader. I drink because I care about the people on my team.

Smoke: Smoking isn't really that bad for you if you run the next day. All you have to do is run and use little neti pot and then poof! Its like nothing ever happened. Besides, I write better when I smoke, and I can read what I wrote and understand it better if I have a cigarette in my hand. Besides that, they kill my hunger. Smoking is not as bad as the surgeon general would have us believe.

Pot: Pot is no problem. As long as I keep making to do lists, then the fact that I can't remember what I have to do is no problem. And no, it doesn't matter that the only thing on my to do list is "wake up, shower, smoke, yoga, shop, eat, smoke, sleep." None of this matters. Pot is not a problem. Apathy is. 

Putting off other things I should be writing: I haven't written a journal entry in almost 7 days. It doesn't matter that I have been working on my own script for over 6 months now, and all I need to do is tie up some loose ends within the plot. Nor does it matter that I have been working on a script for Brett Brando from Brazzers for the past month and a half. All that is left is cleaning up the format, and that doesn't take any time. NOR does it matter that I have a script to write for Vivid, my Expert Guide to Rough Sex. These things will all fall in place when the time comes, and it will happen as it is supposed to happen. Fatalistic yes, problematic no.

Why is that? Does everybody rationalize away the little bullshit things that they are supposed to do? And if so then why? Why do we continually do this? Here is the rationalization for my rationalizing.

If I complete all that I have to do too quickly, I will have nothing left to do. I also work much better when under stress. Duress? Yes, well whatever it is, my product is always better when I feel like the man is breathing down my neck. This is why I have yet to complete any one thing. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am terrified of commitment, nor does involve my fear of completion. Once something is done, its over. There is no looking back. Only moving forward. If I complete all my scripts, and everything I have committed myself to, I will have nothing to complain about, and nothing to worry about completing. And I will have nothing to fix and work on. If I finish my work I will have no work.

But none of this is true, and when I write it out with my little fingers, the realization that I am the biggest bullshitter on earth can't help but smack me dead in the forehead. If I finish the script that I have been working on for the past 6 months, then I can give it to PT for his approval, and possibly have it made by my favorite feature company Vivid. But only if I finish.

If I finish the script that I am writing for Brando, then we get to shoot it, and I get screen credits for a two part scene that was Brando's dream and my realization.

If I finish the script for the Rough Sex flick, then I will have nothing to work on until the movie. I will have nothing to worry about, and nothing to say that I am working on. Basically I am afraid of boredom, which is silly because if I finish this, I can start working on the next one, whatever that may be.

What it really comes down to is that I am trying to hold on to things I should not be holding onto. Its like sand. If you pick up a handful of sand, and hold it open palm toward the sky, it will sit in your hand, slowly draining out, but it will sit there nonetheless. If you turn your hand over, and squeeze it as tight as you can, trying to hold onto it while gravity works against you, then the sand will quickly fall from your hand back to the beach where you stole it from. And then it will blend in with the rest of the sand and the only place you will have those tiny granules of glass will be on your feet and in your buttcrack.

Everybody gets sand in his buttcrack when he goes to the beach. I should stop clenching my cheeks so tightly and just let it go.  Write Flame. It's what you love.

Post Script: Along the theme of letting go, I have decided its time for a new pup. Here is a picture of her....she fly's out to Cali in a week~ Names anyone? I've been thinking a couple different things. 

1. Saucy Flame

2. Blueberry Flame

3. Noodle Flame

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