What an incredible weekend. And it was way more than a weekend, I'm talking Wednesday to Sunday. I don't even know where to begin. Oh wait, yes I do, at the beginning, and when I get to the end, stop. Maybe.
So last Wednesday, I took off for Vegas, for the XBiz summer forum at the Hard Rock Hotel off Paradise. Not quite in paradise though, way too fucking hot to be paradise, but certainly enough fine scantily clad women to make it close. In fact, HardRock hotel may have the hottest bitches on earth staying there. But I didn't realize that until I got there, so go figure. Always a good surprise when you walk into a building and realize that you would fuck every single chick in the room. Doesn't happen much.
So I'm on my way through security at Burbank airport, and I have this blue flowy dress on with my bathing suit underneath.
I figured my room wouldn't be ready when I got there so I would just sport it on the way out, check my shit with the bell man, and head to the pool. Good times? Yes. Well, my bathing suit bottom happens to have big fat metal loops on it, so even after I removed every single article of suspect clothing, (meaning my old navy flip flops and my hat, not much else on remember), I walk though the metal detector and sure as shit I set the motherfucker off. Confused, I walk back through and it beeps again. I tell the man.
Me: I took everything off! What the fuck!
Him: No metal mam?
Me: Oh wait! Right here, these are metal!
This is the point in my morning when I lifted up my skirt up, high up over my head to reveal my metal looped bathing suit. Not only to him, but also to all of security. ALL OF SECURITY. Didn't bat an eye as I lifted my skirt above my head at the security checkpoint in the Burbank airport. You can bet your sweet ass they got me a female assist, and everybody in the whole area was red in the face, (I guess not every bitch just lifts her skirt when the man asks what's going on under there, occupational hazard), and in tears, laughing. I was invited back. Anytime the man said. Yes. Thank you.
So after laughing my way out of that situation, nothing else to do really then, I decide its time for the hydration station. Now I didn't expect to see anybody on my flight out there. Naw, I figured I'd be safe and sound, away from anybody I knew, which is why I felt comfortable lifting my skirt for all of security to see. Ha. Well as soon as I sit down at the gate and get comfy, I look up from my high quality H20 beverage and who is sitting in the sports bar but??? Bossman. Motherfucking Bossman, sitting there, smiling out at me from across the walkway. Shit. Gotta tell him I flashed everyone. But he gets a kick out of it, and we hang out, sit next to each other on the flight out, and his buddy, himself and I all grab an Escalade over to the hotel.
Room isn't ready, no surprise there, but I see Puma Swede at the bell desk and she asks me what my talent is for the XBiz summer forum girl competition. I laugh and say, "Puma, my talent is sucking dick. But since I can't do that on stage, I'm just going to talk shit to everyone until I get kicked off."
Puma: fuck you Penny, I hate you.
Me: I'll make fun of myself too you little Swede, you know that's what I do best. Make an ass of myself.
Puma: yes, good point Penny, but still fuck you.
So I decided when I was in the Burbank airport that my goal for the forum would be to bring as many girls back to my room to have sex with as humanly possible. This is not the way things turned out though. And I blame that on the fact that I can't keep my hands off the Boss long enough to get my fingers in a bitch. Don't know what it is, I just want to suck his dick every time I see him. And then I want him to stick it in me. Over and over again. Oh, yes and over again. So this is what we did. Lots of hot sex. Plethora. In fact, so much hot sex that my pussy is swollen from the massive amounts of pounding he provided. And I enthusiastically accepted. I love his penis. There I said it.
Time to get registered for the show, which means going down and getting a badge. This is what my badge looked like:
And for good reason. Because I was presiding motherfucking president of earth. I felt unstoppable. Mostly the whole drinking competition got me pumped, which I made really awesome shirts for,
and the XBiz princess thingie, which I figured one of my girlies if not myself had to win, and especially the great sex in which I had just participated, I felt like the President of Earth. But better because I could get fucked up now and not worry about some ridiculous call on some stupid red phone in the middle of the night. Like I give a fuck.
So I made the rounds. Everybody had bought poolside cabanas as a place to do business, and as I went from cabana to cabana, I realized this is a big pool party of all the people I want to kick it with. The majority of the people doing business that day are people that I would have hung out with regardless of whether we had business relations or not. Basically, it was the cool pool, and I was stoked to be there.
We had test runs of our drinking game at 3, which I totally missed in lieu of having another mind blowing sexual round with the Boss. Thankfully we built a team of strong alcoholics and they did just fine without me. Taking first place in the first rounds of the boat races. Go Team Flame.
First night I got lost from Bossman, hit up the players ball with my favorite girls from Shanes World, Shameless and the incredible edible ever fading Porno Dan, drank way too much patron with my main man Jew Hefner, and ended up throwing up in one of the ashtrays on the way back up to the room. Classy bitch this Penny Flame. At least I made it into some sort of container. Could have been on the floor, so there. I wasn't the drunkest person in Vegas. But I think you have to be really fucked up to be that guy so it's all good.
Day 2: devoted to my next blog. Deserves its very own blog. The story of The Man Party Incident.
I wake up to some more great sex. Sometimes I just hate myself. I'm just not sure that it's fair I have such great sex, on such a consistent basis. I mean, its fair to us, but what about the rest of the people in the world? Or what about the other people that I fuck (for camera) or the other people that he fucks (cuz he's a great looking guy and I know goddamn well his wonderful cock can't be going to waste when I'm not around). Whatever. By noon I was ready for the Miss XBiz competition. Ready and raring to go.
I'm down at the pool checking out my competition, and this chick walks through the pool area with a parasol and this little pink and black polka dot bikini. This is what I thought in my head.
Me: I would fuck the shit out of that chick.
So I get on stage because its competition time, and up she walks.
Its Alyssa Simone (gotta look up the correct spelling so I can do her justice), and she introduces herself to me, and I realize that she is the one who sent me the awesome myspace the week before, and she brought one of her bitches to flog on stage, and my little heart just jumped ten feet in the air, this chick is a total dream boat.
So we all said why we should be Miss XBiz. Joanna Angel said she had a really terrible childhood (hahahhahahahah, I fucking love this chick), and I said this:
Me: Because nobody else has President of Earth on her badge.
Then it came time for the talent portion. Fortunately, I had been taking the chicks down one at a time, making sure I could win this motherfucker. Trisha Uptown had been working on this great gymnastics routine, so I took a crowbar to her knee, straight Nancy Kerrigan style, and that worked out well.
Until she got up there and started hula hooping and dropping to hula hoop and bending over in front of the judges. Cheating. So when I got my turn, I went out on stage and just started talking shit to everyone at the pool. I just didn't know what else to do. Go with what you know right? Well, that lasted about five minutes because it turns out that while you can suck dick for a living in Las Vegas, or order hookers straight to your room courtesy of the front desk, you are not allowed to swear on the mic at the pool. And by swear I mean profane diarrhea of the mouth. I spit and swear like a sailor, so when the mic died in my hands I wasn't too surprised. Whatever. Then Joanna Angel got on stage and started singing this song that she wrote called "I wanna rock and roll with your butthole." Awesome.
Allow me to digress. And this is said with no bitterness, just complete and total surprise.
Sorry Nikki Jayne, you are a very nice and talented cock sucker, but Joanna deserved to win. She wrote a song called "I wanna rock n roll with your butthole." Nikki Jayne danced. We're all strippers, so it doesn't take much to dance really, except for Sunny's crazy ass who has mad skills on the floor, but we were all idiots up there. Except Joanna Angel.
The only chick that I was glad placed was my sweet little Alyssa, and that's not even because she would have beat the living crap out of me if I had let her. She's fucking hot. And I bet she doesn't take shit.
Kayden came in third, for reading poetry. Call me misogynistic, but are you kidding me? This is a porn whore competition and you are reading poetry? We all know you're literate! You're a clever little breezy! You sign paperwork every time before you suck cock! Show me your tits! (you know I'm fucking with you Kayden!)(but yeah, still show me your tits)
So note to all of you out there, in my mind, Joanna won. Alyssa still took second and Trisha took third, because she probably would have if I hadn't taken the whole crowbar route. Bad Fuego. But I ain't gonna lie to kick it. That's all I'm saying about that.
Fortunately, I had a chance to redeem my award winning skills in the drinking competition, even though I just ended up acting as a cheerleader. This is my drinking robe. It doubles as a bath robe.
That's the good thing about being on Team Flame, we had plenty of back ups so that we could form the best drinking team on earth. And we won that motherfucker.
No way to cheat there. You can't buy that trophy. Unless you go to affordabletrophy's.com, which they did.
Hahahahha. Sorry. I double digress.
So after a fantastic day at the pool and some penny flame oriented drinking games, (and yes, more sex with boss) we made our way down to Nobu, the lovely little Japanese restaurant in HardRock. This is where I met and officially fell in love with a delicious dish named Danielle, who works over at WEG. Well it was a WEG sponsored dinner, so it was appropriate that all the employees of the company were there, but this chick was so tight, I didn't even hit on her. Because I wanted to hang out with her. And I did. All night at Body English, dancing like a cyclone, or whatever storm the south is facing now, and the southern rappers are rapping about now. We had a great time, everybody in the club, and I must admit, I don't really do the club scene, but the dance floor at Body English was pulsating, alive with energy. The entire room was vibrating with hot, sexy, dancing bodies.
MORE SEX MORE SEX MORE SEX MORE SEX.
Day 4 was devoted to the pool, hanging out at our cabana, and watching this asshole at the pool make, well, and asshole of himself. He was THAT guy. He had one of his little friends watching over him, entirely necessary, because he kept raising his arms to the sky. Jesus on the cross style. And then doing back flips into the 3 foot deep water. Fucking moron, doesn't he know he's gonna break his neck? I don't' normally call people out like this, but he was a douche. A big fucking douche. Eventually, the homegirl Noelle challenged him to a coolness dual, she got up on the edge of the pool and spread her arms like he was, and then of course when the entire pool started chanting "asshole" at him, security felt it was the appropriate time to escort this fine fuck out of our good time. Thank god. If only Noelle could be everywhere I go challenging douchbags to an arms up dual. And if only an entire pool of people would chant asshole at people that were being assholes. This guy probably high-fived so many people that his hands were raw. I mean, working out at the gym doesn't help the fact that he's a douche. Hopefully he'll chill the fuck out and realize nobody cares if you have a banging body if you're an asshole. And it didn't help that he had obviously eaten a ton of pills and was chewing his face off. Not attractive. At all.
Day 4 evening? Well after some pink taco, a joint, and a four hour nap, we all decided to go over to Tryst, the club at the bottom of Wynn. This also will be in my next blog, because it is such a story, and along the same lines of day 2, that I feel they will be better appreciated together, side by side.
That night? More sex you ask? Well, yes, but after having sex with the Boss at least 5 times a day for four days in a row, I found my vagina to be quite swollen and sore. He felt the same way about his cock. Fortunately we are good snugglers too, so after some hot post club drunk sex, and half a joint, it was sleeping time. This was 5:30am this morning.
Anyway, this is long already, so I'm going to bed. Look for part 2 soon....