Tonight I was in search of some guidance. So I turned to my pocket yogi, the very small Buddha that resides in my iphone. His knowledge is limitless, and his advice is eternally appropriate.
Tonight my iphone Buddha told me to
Leave everything behind.
(landing in the bay on my way to Snugs wedding, look for next blog)
And I'm trying little Buddha buddy, I'm trying my best to leave everything behind, because none of it matters, and it is all just things. Things spinning on an earth bigger than my imagination, around a sun much bigger than my vocabulary could ever commit to, and in ten years none if this will matter. None of it matters already, but I won't know it until then. No, I kind of know it now, I just have to remind myself constantly.
I just got the overdraft statement from my bank saying that while I had enough money in my account for my rent check to pass, it was returned because the funds were not yet available. In my constant motion, and spinning status, I forgot about the 30 day hold on new accounts, and made a big boo boo. I have to call the landlady in the morning and confess my sins, offer up whatever check return fee she wants, and promise her if she deposits it again it will clear. Because it will. It just didn't.
My roommate in college, Poodle, bounced our rent check one time. And it fucked us in the ass, royally. In fact, I've been paying with cashiers checks ever since. That's six years ago, and my ass is still paying with fucking cashiers checks: which I didn't mind too much because then I didn't have to worry about shit like this. Stupid stupid stupid shit. Stupid girl.
My iphone Buddha told me
Feel absolute peace and
Tranquility and a deep sense
Of resolution called contentment
I stressed off the bounced check for a total of 20 minutes. As long as it took me to walk to CVS to pick up my baby be gone, and some ice-cream, which like Neosporin, always heals my wounds quick. I didn't get ice cream though, I got this new yogurt that Cold Stone is slanging, 25 calories, (per serving, which I got like 4 of), natural probiotics, blah blah blah. Not really as healthy as they'd like me to believe, especially since the lady crushed up 5 oreo's in my little treat. Desert of queens.
Anyway, I think the yogurt in place of ice cream fucked me too. Because my wounds are not healed, only covered with a band-aid. How fucking embarrassing. What is this my first bank account? How did I space on that one?
Oh, I remember, I spaced on it when I quit being on top of my game. When I kept ignoring the signs that have been plaguing my dreams, and daydreams, the signs saying "No more pot all day penny flame, it's making you a fucking retard." Big signs, like in Farenhiet 451, miles and miles long so the cars speeding along the freeway can have time to read them. Its like when I first discovered getting drunk. That's all I wanted to do.
Fortunately, with drinking, you can't start in the morning and drink your day away, and expect nobody to notice, or for nothing to happen to you. You can't get shitfaced without repercussions, without consequences. Basically, getting that drunk that much will end soon. You either turn into a raging alcoholic, you get over it and realize you can't get ploughed all day, or you die. That's just the way the bottle goes I guess.
But pot I could smoke all day and I felt fine. I wouldn't fuck up driving, I could make it through class, and even though I couldn't remember where I parked my car, I knew where my keys were and had a loud enough alarm that none of it mattered. I could get bahlitzed, and nobody would notice. They would just think I am more quiet than usual.
Now it's a problem. Now, as an adult, if I keep smoking all day, and day, I won't get anything done. If I smoke on days I have something important to do, anything more important than say laundry, or yoga, my motivation is gone, and the passion with which I want to live life subdued. If I smoke pot ALL day, I become a lesser version of myself.
My iphone Buddha told me
Content with where you are
(Flying over California, listening to Coldplay's "Lost" on repeat)
After spending a large portion of the past year moderately sober, I realize how much I like myself, and how comfortable I am in my skin, and in my life. I realize all the amazing things I am in the position to do, and that I need every ounce of drive I can muster to accomplish the things I believe I am capable of accomplishing. And that is the big change in me, in the way I think, and the way I think about life.
Content with who you are, and content with
I never gave myself credit when it was due. I always put my head down, and thought of the moment where it would end, and I would have to rejoin society as a normal, non porn person. And I always knew that because I had chosen to be stuck with the stigma of being Penny Flame, this would be no easy task. I was so afraid of the darkness at the end of my tunnel, at the end of almost every woman in porn's tunnel. It doesn't really matter how much you've saved as a female performer because at the end of your career, unless you have a cool mil in the bank and can live of the 70 grand/yr interest, you are fucked and have to find other means of employment. And that is just a cold hard fact of life. We will have to do something else. Period. Nothing lasts forever, and an impending sense of doom had cast a shadow over me, effecting the way I spent my money, paid my bills, and lived my life. I think that's why I've self medicated so much, and so frequently. Because I just couldn't face the fact that my life as I know it will change drastically one day.
What is from moment to moment.
Until I quit smoking an eighth a day, I couldn't sit back and see the entire world for what it was. And I'm not claiming I can do that now, I think I'm getting better, and hopefully this point illustrates the overall topic of my blog today. Not that my blogs really ever have points.
I was standing in the Man Party suite in Vegas at Xbeezie, leaning out the balcony over the Hardrock pool, looking down. Bossman came alongside me and mentioned the sun, and its relation to earth.
I hadn't even noticed it shining down upon me, well besides the overwhelming desert heat, but I had yet to look up in the sky, had yet to grasp that there is a sky, and space, and beyond, and to really feel insignificant under the weight of it. I had yet to realize my place, right here, or experience each and every second for what it really is. As Bossman sat there talking about the earth spinning on its axis, which has this other little ball spinning around it, also spinning on itself, all of which is being pulled spinning around this huge burning ball of gas that provides heat and light for a universe so big we could never reach its outer edges, I felt the world turn. And before, I could only appreciate the sunset at its final stages, that magic moment where the tip top of the sun turns into a solid line in the ocean like you can only see in Cali, and I felt like it was sinking in front of me. Standing there with Bossman, I felt myself on Earth, spinning around and away from the sun, and I felt incredibly small. And I realized none of it matters.
(Ill new hat bought immediately upon arrival in the Town)
It doesn't matter if I bounced this stupid check because she'll get her money, I'll pay whatever bullshit fees I have to, and I will move on and out. I'll pay in cashiers checks for the rest of my life, and will never bounce another rent check again. I don't give a fuck.
It doesn't matter if I smoke pot all day or not, all that matters is what I do in order to ensure my happiness at every given moment. And smoking pot all day isn't making me happy anymore, so I'm not gonna do it anymore. Easy. It has to be treated like a glass of wine. With a meal, or perhaps some cheese.
And it doesn't matter if I have to one day get a real job and a real life, and be with real people. Because that day has already happened. I have a real job. A real life. Real people. I can't live in fear of my unknown and possibly dark future because it will forbid me from enjoying the now, my life, the world. My earth. It will make the present moment darker than an Alaskan night, and I will never get to relive the moment where in the sun's glorious shine I realized we are all spinning. Around something so powerful, everything in the universe is held captive to its pull.