BJ manifesto for the married guys

[Buford T Pusser]

I've seen some of the married guys complain that they no longer get BJ's. That's some sad ****.

So here's some funny **** that you might not want to show your wife. The ladies reading this should not use this in the bedroom or a court of law.

I know it's old stuff, but I figure A. you haven't seen it or B. it's worth a second look.


Just Say No

BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN
1) First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2)Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3)I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw,
it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4)Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5)My ears are NOT handles.

6)Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head.
Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally,
do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7)I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8)Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -
get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like ****
so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just
because YOU can't have sex right now.

9)Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high
school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave
me alone with my Midol.

10)If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11)Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior

12)If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be
happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13)No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14)No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15)When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get
blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate
to either sympathize or brag.

16)Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have
to "kiss it good morning".

[alarican]

still funny

[flyingdragon]

I've tried using the blue balls excuse before in high school but she just jerked me off. Turns out that I'm still with her till this day.

[Buford T Pusser]

Originally posted by flyingdragon
I've tried using the blue balls excuse before in high school but she just jerked me off. Turns out that I'm still with her till this day.

I've tried that and was told to go beat off if it hurts so bad.

[RoyalTea]

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

[kevin75]

:lol:

[JimRochester]

Originally posted by RoyalTea


5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!


rotfl

[D.Pham00]

http://www.dvdtalk.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=298036

still funny tho!

[Coupon_Queen]

First, I would llike to respond to all those guys out there who think most women feel the same as the list states. I do not and many other women do not. Some of us take great pleasure in pleasing our man and giving him a bj.

I would like to respond, point by point, to my sweetie:

BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN
1) First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
We may not be obligated, but I sure enjoy doing it anyway!

2)Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
I am the one who should be grateful to have someone like you to blow.

3)I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw,
it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

The heck with it. If you promise not to cum in my eye (it does irritate my eyes), then I will let you cun on my face as many times as you want. Hey, it might even work well with my skin!

4)Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

OK, I know I don't *have* to swallow, but you know I love to! You know I love the taste and would do it all day if I could.

5)My ears are NOT handles.

Do whatever you want if it turns you on!

6)Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head.
Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally,
do you really WANT puke on your dick?

If pushing on top of my head gets you off, there are a lot worse things. (and I promise not to puke on you!) You know how excited I get when I deep throat you and you moan like you do....God, I really love that!

7)I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

You know, if you fart on purpose, I may be a little offended. Farting is a natural body function and I will not be an uptight b***h if you happen to do this!

8)Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -
get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like ****
so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just
because YOU can't have sex right now.

If I am on my period and do not feel like blowing you, you have permission to do other naughty things with me. You know I tried to blow you only hours after a 92 hour labor. You know I will do it to you any time I can. I may not feel like it at the time, but you know you always seem to be able to put me in the mood.

9)Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high
school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave
me alone with my Midol.

IF you ever have to complain about blue balls then maybe you aren't married to the right person. I am very much in love with you and your body. I will do anything with you at any chance that occurs. Blue balls? Yeah, right!

10)If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

I know you would never be that insensitive. If a man complains because a woman stops for a second, then maybe she should re-evaluate. You are wonderful in all areas and that makes me want to do you even more! I will take in 50 pubic hairs from you if it means I get to suck you one more time!

11)Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior

You will get in big trouble if you leave me to go play video games afterwards. You know I love video games as well. The least you can do is invite me to go play with you!

12)If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be
happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

The origins of my *talent* is all the practice you have let me have! No more speculation needed!

13)No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

I love the salty taste. Keep it coming baby!

14)No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

You can't watch SpongeBob Squarepants, but put on a little porno and we will both be set!

15)When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

You know what is appropriate or not with your friends. Who am I
to think I know it all. I trust you!

16)Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

But can I kiss it good morning anyway? A little morning action never hurt anyone! ;)

[NCMojo]

And that, gentlemen, is why I am the king. :editking:

w00t! :banana:

[Giantrobo]

:lol:

[Buford T Pusser]

Originally posted by Coupon_Queen
First, I would llike to respond to all those guys out there who think most women feel the same as the list states. I do not and many other women do not. Some of us take great pleasure in pleasing our man and giving him a bj.

I would like to respond, point by point, to my sweetie:



What kind of queen are you? This sounds like a guy's fantasy response that only a guy could write:p

[NCMojo]

Originally posted by Buford T Pusser
What kind of queen are you? This sounds like a guy's fantasy response that only a guy could write:p You're right about the "guy's fantasy" part -- but believe me, she's all woman. (We have two kids to vouch for that.)

[kevin75]

wow. i wonder if she has any clones?

[Buford T Pusser]

Originally posted by kevin75
wow. i wonder if she has any clones?

a clone for your bone? :confused:

[criptik28]

Jesus Christ! I'd quote that good bits from her post, but then that would be everything! :)

[Coupon_Queen]

Originally posted by Buford T Pusser
What kind of queen are you? This sounds like a guy's fantasy response that only a guy could write:p

Buford, believe me, I am all woman! I love my man and I love to do things that please him.....it pleases me as well!

Christina

[Buford T Pusser]

Originally posted by Coupon_Queen
Buford, believe me, I am all woman! I love my man and I love to do things that please him.....it pleases me as well!

Christina

A rare bird indeed. How long have you been married? How old are the kids?

[NCMojo]

Originally posted by Buford T Pusser
A rare bird indeed. How long have you been married? How old are the kids? Well, Buford, she has been married TO ME for almost five years now... she has two kids WITH ME ages three and four... oh, and by the way -- did I mention that she is married TO ME? Didn't want you to miss that point.

;)

15)When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

:lol:

Still the king. :editking:

[Buford T Pusser]

Originally posted by NCMojo
Well, Buford, she has been married TO ME for almost five years now... she has two kids WITH ME ages three and four... oh, and by the way -- did I mention that she is married TO ME? Didn't want you to miss that point.

;)

15)When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

:lol:

Still the king. :editking:

I'm happily married. But that third kid is really tiring her out. BTW, my wife's initials are BJS. Don't know what her parents were thinking on that one. :lol:

She told me that some of her Catholic girlfriends were joking about not doing that once they got married and said I had it better than most. But she didn't know about the king. :p

[Coupon_Queen]

Originally posted by Buford T Pusser
A rare bird indeed. How long have you been married? How old are the kids?

I know mojo already replied, but I wanted to add some more. What mojo didn't say was that we were best friends for about 12 years before we married. We have both been married and with his marriage, he even moved away. No matter what happened during those years, we always thought of each other first when we wanted to share the details of an event. Mojo got divorced and so did I. We made our way back to each other. He is a great guy and I am extremely lucky to have ever had him in my life. I still consider him my best friend and he is still always the first person I want to share anything with. I think all of this is important because it is not the bliss of still being a newlywed. It is the bond we share and how much we enjoy each other all the way around.

Ok, I am getting a little too mushy for a mature forum! Shame on me!!!!!! The long and short of it is we are married for five years and our kids are 3 & 4 and I love to give mojo head and I *think* (just maybe!) that he likes to receive as much as I like to give!!!


C

[Dave99]

Big Jim Slade? :jawdrop:

Dave
Originally posted by Buford T Pusser
. BTW, my wife's initials are BJS.

[nycdude]

Originally posted by RoyalTea
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

LMAO!!!!

[Buford T Pusser]

Originally posted by Dave99
Big Jim Slade? :jawdrop:

Dave

nope, but her middle name is Johnson.

[suziq999]

Both those lists are pretty funny. :)

[bmello]

Originally posted by Buford T Pusser
I've seen some of the married guys complain that they no longer get BJ's. That's some sad ****.


Do you think guys that aren't married are getting more BJs? I think its a problem in general. :eek:

[Buford T Pusser]

Originally posted by bmello
Do you think guys that aren't married are getting more BJs? I think its a problem in general. :eek:

Not really, but it's the married guys that complain. Guess they wish that oral satisfaction was a given.

From all the news I read these days it's the teenagers that are getting massive BJ action.