another question about male/female relationships

[krkuhl]

along the same lines as "can men and women be just friends?"

do you think it is possible for a man and a woman to be both friends and sexual? or do you think that one of them will always want things to move into the relationship arena? most people feel that the female will always read more into the relationship than what is there or they will develop feelings towards the male that are more than friendly. other people feel that if you like the person enough to be their friend and enough to screw around with them, then you are already dating. curious what other otters think about this...

[IC_Freeze]

i dont think so, i have some friends that i would hit all day but that 's it, they are too high maintenance lol

[krkuhl]

so i am a bit confused... you have friends that you would love to add the benefits part with but are you saying you dont want to date them because they are too high maintenance? so are you saying that people can be friends and have benefits? or are you saying that no, they cant because someone would get feelings? or are you saying no because they are too high maintenance to even enjoy the benefits part? :hscratch:

[Crocker Jarmen]

I don't know. I suppose it's possible. But unlikely more often.
On friday I dissolved the 'friend-with-benefit' relationship I've had going this summer. We had a long talk and she told me that she had been developing 'feelings' for me and was starting to want a 'real relationship'. So in my case, the answer is no.

Sort of off-topic, but I hate the term 'friends-with-benefits'. It sounds like some sit-com term. What's wrong with the more clinical phrase of 'emotionless sex'.

Also, now that I think about it, the whole concept is bullshit. It's really no different than a real boy-friend girl-friend relationship. It's just one you don't expect to be permanent.

[einTier]

No, I don't think it's possible. Every girl I've ever befriended, I've only befriended because I wanted one thing.

Not to say I always got it, or that I didn't end up having some really cool friendships, but if it had been there for the taking, there would not have been any of this "we're too good of friends" bullshit.

I can think of only one friend that I have that's female, and I really have no sexual interest in -- but she used to be a lot more attractive, and we were fooling around long before we were friends. And, even at that, I can't say that if certain things weren't different, something wouldn't happen. We certainly fooled around before.

[solipsta]

I think that it will almost always turn out that one of the people will want something more. OR one of the people will want the sexual contact to stop, creating bad feelings because the other wants it to continue. Only in very, very rare cases can it work. And I don't think as a long term thing, either....:(

[schlitz100]

i currently have this going on... a girl i dated about a year ago that i remained friends with. I like her enough that i sort of want more than friends w/ benifits... but i know her enough to know it wouldn't work. I think she knows the same, she claims she isn't "emotionally available" ... whatever. She gets a little nutty after every time we get together which i expect and just leave her alone for a few days, but afterwards she's cool again. I think it only works because we understand each other's idiosyncrasies from being good friends for so long.

but besides her, it has happened a few times, but none that didn't end with hurt feelings or after a short time.

[Mopower]

I think it's possible for the man but not the woman. She will always want a relationship unless she's a whore. Then you have to deal with other men.

[happycamper]

I had a relationship like this a while ago. I met the guy, we became really good friends, hung out all the time, talked to each other every day. Then we hooked up some random drunken evening and has a quasi-relationship going whenever we both needed attention. We were both single, but just enjoyed spending time with each other, mentally and physically.

The situation worked fine until he met someone that he really liked. Since I am considered a more emotional being, sure, I had some issues with it, but nothing that kept us from remaining friends. What we had together was already determined and neither one of us had expectations.

I moved on and started seeing someone as well, but as soon as his fling was done, he wanted to go back to the way things were, which I didn’t want any part of. So I got the guilt trips and the pouting and the obvious attempts at physical contact. But after being rejected enough times, it was understood. We are still friends to this day.

Each situation is different. Had this guy originally wanted a relationship with me, I would have considered it. But I think it worked out fine the way it did.

[sracer]

Originally posted by Crocker Jarmen
Sort of off-topic, but I hate the term 'friends-with-benefits'. It sounds like some sit-com term. What's wrong with the more clinical phrase of 'emotionless sex'.

Because THAT is an oxymoron.

There is no such thing as emotionless sex. Every sex act involves emotions... not necessarily romantic emotions, but emotions nonetheless.

For example...If you are out for a one-night-stand-no-strings-attached type of encounter, that is the result of an emotion that you are dealing with. Not judging the merits of those emotions or the cause, just making an observation.

[Patman]

So ... how do you categorize a "booty call" emotionally?

[Oraphus]

In my experience i dont believe that men and women could be just friends with benefits for an extended period of time. If i am friends with a girl and attracted to her emmotionally as well as physically.. i dont see why i would not want to date this girl for an extended period of time. The way it always works is that i might be attracted to a girl physically and therefore have a sexual relationship, but not mentally.. meaning dont really want to hang out with her, i guess basically using each other for sex. Also in my oppinion one person always gets hurt, because (like i stated in the other thread) one person will have stronger feeling then the other.
I have recently went through this with my ex... we dated for about 2y, 2-3 years ago.. we stayed somewhat friends(talk on the phone every other month) But to tell you the truth the only reason i kept contact with her was because i felt we could have a meaningless sex type of relationship... well, about 2 years after we broke up, i saw her at party and we hooked up... we then proceeded to have a booty call type relationship which actually lasted about 6 month. This was fine for me because i just wanted the sex, but she got attached and was basically trying to get me back.. she ended up cutting the sex off because i would not come back to her.. but she still wants to be friends... no dice for me.

[JimRochester]

Friends with benefits is possible for the short term, but obviously eventually one will either want more out of the relationship or the freedom to find a more permanent partner.

[TomOpus]

I've been through this situation a few times. In one instance, the woman stopped the relationship because she started to have feelings towards me.

In the best instance, a woman and I were really close as friends. We both trusted each other very much. We hung out a lot and always had a good time together. One night, it just happened. Afterwards, she would call me at odd hours to come over. Sometimes we'd have sex, other times not. For some reason we never developed deep feelings, even though we did feel connected. This went on for a few years until she moved to another state. We still talk, and she confessed that she tried to keep an emotional distance because she didn't want to mess up my life with some of her problems.

The latest instance was with a co-worker. We'd hang out and do things together. When it seemed like things were going to get physical we had a quick talk about it not being any kind of commitment. After a few months, she was afraid of people finding out at work so now we are close friends to this very day.

So, to answer the question...yes, I think it can work... but rarely. It is difficult to keep emotions in check. Plus there's the danger of messing up a good friendship.

[krkuhl]

Originally posted by Mopower
I think it's possible for the man but not the woman. She will always want a relationship unless she's a whore. Then you have to deal with other men.
so what is the guy who can do this, a man whore? hopefully you are not expressing the double standard that many peope have about women and sex--it is ok for a man to screw anyone/thing without emotions, a relationship, or caring but a woman who does it is a slut.

TomOpus--i have had a similar experience but the guy is the one who has hinted that he wants to get more serious. luckily we dont live in the same town so we dont see eachother often, which helps keep things in check. i am just curious if i should nip this new relationship (in whatever sense it is) in the bud lest the guy end of getting hurt and i feel like a biotch. funny thing is, every guy in a FWB relationship i have been in has thought with their pecker more than their head/heart and guaranteed they wont get attached. it has always been the other way around though, with him wanting more.

so, if i keep reiterating that we are just physical friends and that there is no future, will i be conned a biotch/player if we keep things as FWB and he has feelings for me and i turn him down?

[TomOpus]

It's a tough call to make. You're right about being lucky that you two aren't in the same town. It helps a little. It's always easy to say you won't get attached, especially when you don't want to lose a good thing. You can reiterate the relationship all you want, but if the guy wants to save face, he'll call you a biotch no matter how level you were with him. I guess it comes down to how much of a friend he is. He has to accept his end of the agreement and be responsible to not allow his feelings get out of hand.

If he's hinting at something more, then maybe you should sit him down and get things on the level. Honesty, openess and communication are very important in a touchy situation like this, least someone gets hurt. Sounds like he might get hurt anyway but a little hurt now is better than a big hurt later.

btw... from a guys standpoint, I think it's way cool that you want to minimize his possible hurt. Sounds like a friend to me. :)

[Sdallnct]

In the other thread I was very strongly of the opinion that guys and gals can "just be friends". Some strongly disagreed. Looks like many have strong feelings one way or another on this thread.

Perhaps it would help if we defined what a "friend" is. Webster says:

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : ACQUAINTANCE
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion
5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war -- called also Quaker

While not all of these apply, it seems that based on 1 & 4 above, I think you could be friends regardless of anything else going on in the relationship (including having or not having sex). Now how strong of a friendship is it, how long will it last, etc. is very open for debate.

There also seemed to be some that at the very least mention that once the sex starts the "friendship" ends. I find this rather odd. Been married to my wife for 14 years and have always considered her my very best friend. Of course I have other friends (mostly gals and a very good guy friend). But when I really need to talk, really have something on my mind, really need some emotional support, I turn to my wife 1st.