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Stacked & Packed

Studio: Vertigo Inc. » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 4/7/04

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

GENRE: Gonzo Busty Masturbation
DIRECTORS: Peter Wall, John Graham
LENGTH: 120 mins with bonus material

Let's celebrate the tit, shall we? Forget all that legman crap and butt bongo bullshit and let's give the old mammary a good long hard handling, all right? Now, it's true that there are guys who groove on the pussy in all its landing strip splendor. Give them a copy of Hustler or Penthouse and they are all over the bush in a finger flipping, hand-jobbing heartbeat. And some dudes really dig the dumper. An ample ass, full in the flower of fertile fleshiness is enough to send them into a load launching cycle of pocket pool. But the breast represents the main outward avenue of femininity for most men. In the concept of curvaceous-ness, it's arch numero uno. The jug is a true work of art. The shapely form as it moves from the neck down to the waist, intoxicating and inviting. The potential protruding of the nipple, peaking through the clothing to alert those around it of its existence and excitement. The undulating jiggle. The heavenly heaving. Come on, let's face it, the boob is the best. Along with the butt, it's one of the few sexual attributes that can be enjoyed with or without trendy adornment. Sure, we love to brood over the nude naughtiness of a nice rack, but a fetching frame decked out in a flimsy yet tight t-shirt can be just as fulfilling. It is therefore completely understandable that, while considered a niche market, the adult entertainment genre of big bust titles is so popular. Since most men like mammaries so much, the creators of these collections believe that they will flock to their product. And they, perhaps, have a point. Men are controlled much more by their crotch than their cranium when it comes to porn purchases and women with whoppers the size of the one's advertised here must really stir the gonzo grits. So the issue becomes, does Score Group and Voluptuous Magazine's foray into DVD, known as Stacked and Packed, provide moments of member amazement? Or are these ta-ta's too tepid to tease?

The DVD:
Offered as kind of a video magazine (the packaging even says Voluptuous Magazine Presents"), Stacked and Packed consists of five "scenes" which vary from standard moving pictorials to somewhat scripted fantasies. Interspersed is a lesson in Divinyls style self-manipulation and a behind-the-scenes look at a recent on location shoot with "centerfold" Via Paxton. The "hardcore" material is limited to the insertion of molded plastic dildos and vibrators into various orifices (accompanied by extreme close-ups of the "penetrating" performances) and the occasional self-sensating of tit via tongue. So what you end up with, in essence, is an animated version of your favorite giant jugs periodical without any articles on foreign policy, politically incorrect cartoons or semi-coherent media reviews. This means you will enjoy Stacked and Packed solely on the attractiveness of the ladies. But be warned. Just because they have chests the size of small island nations, doesn't mean that they deserve a 20-minute showcase of said summits of sin, especially when the episodes enhance their many personal/professional/private imperfections.

There is also a pattern to most of the "performances", obvious bows to the fetish crowd who wouldn't find this dirty pillow package worth their weight in wetnaps had these items not been included. So our well-lunged ladies lotion their bodies in exfoliating intensity, making sure their mounds and moist and glistening. Then there are always moments of tweaking and twisting, as if needing dough for some manner of bodacious bread. We get tip of the tongue flicking, lip smacking and pure pleasure sucking as the women try to turn up the tinder. And manufactures of battery powered penis proxies should be overjoyed at the product placement these ladies provide. From first fondle to final fuck, everything is about the same in Stacked and Packed. And it's not very arousing at all.

Scene 1: Stevie Kaye (23 mins)
Stevie is a plump, porker of a piece; the kind of gal who gives off a vibe of "please fuck me" with a simultaneous sense that she would actually rather be having a slice of pie. Pretending that she is making a "self-help" or "how-to" video for her fans, she invites us into her home to watch her "bop" 'til she drops. She has a bag of toys and talks throughout the entire presentation. She is rather incoherent, unable to put many sentences together without stumbling over her words and ideas. She also tries to create the impression that she is "all alone" and uses an obvious TV remote to "control" the zoom on the camera (yet how she manages, with one button, to offer close-ups, height adjustment and focus is perplexing). She begins her lesson by grabbing the bottle of lotion and lathering up her melons with manual aplomb. After some rubbing of her clit and nipples, she breaks out the toys. She starts with some weird breast pump device that she clamps onto her tit. She explains that it has a vibrator inside and when she turns on the switch, a small "hum" can be heard. She seems to enjoy this substitute torture device and spends a lot of time pointing her pussy with her portly fingers. She then removes the motorized manacle and gets out the jackrabbit pile driver. She oils that sucker up and plunges it in deep down below. She plays with this for a while and acts all hot and bothered.

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Then the weird stuff happens. She claims to "cum" and then gets 0ut another extracurricular electric device. It's a standard vibrator with a butt plug (or butt "bullet" as she calls it) attached to a long chord. She explains that it goes in her ass and with the flip of a switch, it shivers and quivers and livers inside her (kind of like the old lady that swallowed the fly. Perhaps she'll die). Sure enough, she gets on her back, takes the tool in one hand and the pulsating pill in the other. With some difficulty (and a jump cut) – BANG! – she's got a large, throbbing Tylenol in her anus. She squirms and squishes around for a while, and then she's done. She pulls the string from her sphincter and POP! – out comes the ball of bliss. It is one of the more bizarre sequences in the scene and makes the 23-minute presentation worth viewing, if only to see what it would look like for a woman to actually lay an egg. Since she is one of the better looking babes on this DVD, her scene (even with all its faux filming bullshit) is pretty good. She plays to the camera well and tries to get the guys at home involved. She almost succeeds. Score: 6/10

Scene 2: Ruth Tyler (15 mins)
Oh God. All that really can be said is...Oh, God. Ruth Tyler, looking like the kind of bruised barmaid that drunken sailors would settle for only after they've completely wiped all thoughts of bestiality AND homosexuality out of their head, takes her nicotine stained fingers and fondles herself in a manner that is guaranteed to never make you want to touch a women ever again. From the missing press-on nails to the horrible pallor of her crotch (it looks like she's covered in a kind of cracked caramel coating) this is one ugly ass bitch. Goddamn is she unattractive. This hairy British beast could use a twat tailor and a bunch of body makeup, pronto. Maybe Score and Voluptuous believe in the philosophy that their women should be "natural" but rotten Ruth makes the Missing Link look like Paulina Porizkova. She fell out of the Hideous Tree and hit every fucking branch on the way down, only to land face first on an axe. Ouch! Her quarter hour of optical agony begins with lots of shots of her blemished thighs and sagging sacks. She is decked out in mismatched hose and appears to be several sheets to the wind. Or at least, she should be. When she licks her own tits, the white coating on her tongue makes the mammary snack all the more unappetizing. Eventually, she gets out a purple vibrator and proceeds to pump the plastic in and out of her orange/brown orifice. Ugh! Maybe it was the lights (or lack thereof), or the lack of readily available hygiene help, but Ruth looks filthy, disgusting and grimy. It may be mean to say it, but she manages to set sexuality back a couple dozen years with her unappealing sequence. And her tits are floppy pancakes. Score: 0/10

Scene 3: Ashley Evans (26 mins)
Looking like she is wearing all the perfume that Paris can prepare and a recent shipment from the Victoria's Secret specialty catalog for the zaftig woman, Ashley Evans gives us a little show and rouse as she pretends to be stood up by her boyfriend. From her overly ornate boudoir, she fields a call from the ungrateful creep and, when he says he won't come over and service her naughty needs, she decides to treat herself to a little autoerotic TLC. Decked out in said complicated lingerie, she begins with some stripping and teasing. Then it's a trip to Vaseline country as she covers her carcass with cream. She continually throws glamour poses like Doris Wishman is casting a remake of Deadly Weapons before finally getting down to some dirty digital business. Laying on her chaise lounge, she fingers herself for a while, and then breaks out the double-headed dildo. It explores her insides for a while. Afterwards, Ashley makes the manufactured man meat do a little cunt to craw action. Following the fake BJ, it's time for a tit fuck. She ends up looking sleepy instead of sexy and her workout has done very little to get your pecker pulsing. But perhaps in response to the repulsiveness that preceded it, Ashley's antics are a welcome aesthetic relief. Everything is soft focus, candles and cleanliness. Still, 26 minutes is a long time to watch a woman wax her womb and with all the asexual inertia going on, this is one tough self-touching road to haul. Score: 3/10

Scene 4: Linzi Cassidy (22 mins)
Alas, again we are witness to beauty gone horribly wrong as Linzi Cassidy - who looks pretty fetching on the DVD cover - departs completely to the dogs and shows her imperfect pelt to anyone interested. For 22 meandering minutes we watch as she undresses, fondles her flopping flesh bags and sucks on herself. There are several odd point of view shots where the director seems to be trying out examples of obtuseness from his Film School for Dummies manual. This is especially true when Linzi gets down to finger frolics. As she kneels on the bed, breasts swinging like in-much-need-of-milking udders, the camera shoots from down and behind, turning the trying-to-be-naughty naked lady into a strange piece of carnal cubist art. Unfortunately, it also gives us a clear shot of Cassidy's coot. Ew! All that really can be said is that Linzi has a vagina that even the most maximum security prison matron would find revolting. Gapping like its gasping for air and with a lens so far up inside it you could practically predict the sex of her next child, the remaining time in this segment features this unappetizing fissure, a oversized sex stick and Linzi's desire to deep penetrate herself over and over and over again. By the end, she moves the moist monster from her vixen valley to her teat trough and back again until we, and she, grow tired. Like her fellow Brit Ruth, Linzi looks a little long in the tooth and out of her element here. She is obviously trying hard to create a steamy scene, but since there is no real passion to her personal playing, we feel nothing. Score: 2/10

Scene 5: Via Paxton (27 mins)
In this final segment of the DVD, we get the double treat of listening to Via Paxton answer inane questions for 10 minutes before she takes a shower and suds up her humongous hooters. Now, Via seems like a nice enough gal, and she does have a very enticing form (Ruben would have a fastidious time committing her to canvas). But – DANG! – this chick is as dense as a bank vault wall. Now, it's not a "duh-duh" inanity. One guesses she knows that fire burns and never to take candy from strangers. But her attitude of cluelessness is based in a complete and utter involvement with only her self. If it doesn't revolve in her universe of experience, she doesn't get it. Our interviewer tries to challenge and provoke her, but she seems completely unconcerned with his (rather dumb) questions. She just gives off the aura of haughtiness and stereotypical sensibilities. She likes men with "a good build" (no kidding). She loves "current music – rap and hip-hop" (Double DUH!) and hates how guys clamor over and ogle her (Jeez – talk about your life ending problems...). At least Via flashes us a couple times to make the Q&A tedium worth witnessing. Once she gets on to her 'Day in Mexico' video montage, we get to see her body language do the talking.

Via runs along the beach, shops and sunbathes. Her outdoor antics with a bottle of baby oil are good and squishy. Once she is done UV-broasting her bosom, it's off for a long, languid shower with plenty of lather and lung loving. Nothing beats boobies in gallons of Mr. Bubble. Va-Va-Va-Vooom! After the refreshing spritz, it's time to reclaim the body's natural moisture and – VOILA! – out comes the cream products. A few dozen spews and some more manual manipulation and Via is really in the mood. She takes out a rather uninteresting toy, touches herself for a while, and then grows bored. She ends up posed on the bed as the image fades out. Paxton is a sexy gal, but her attitude and her less than exciting scene means that Stacked and Packed sputters when it really should shine. All the inquiring should have been skipped, and a little water sports substituted for refreshing fun. But once she leaves the tub, the scenes goes thud. Score: 5/10

Man, you havereally got to be into boobs to enjoy this DVD. Now I, for one, just love large breasts. Nothing is more pleasing to my sexual sensibilities than a babe built like a brick shithouse. But Stacked and Packed needs to abandon the fetid facets of said outdoor accommodations the next time around and embrace the exploration of "indoor plumbing" for once. The boring behemoths here, coddling their chests just can't cut the man meat mustard. DVD and movies are a visual medium, but you wouldn't find a two-hour digital disc version of Time all that interesting, especially when the images fail to expand on the already understandable photographic elements occurring. If Linzi Cassidy or Stevie Kaye want to play with themselves, a snapshot layout is just as enticing as the laid back limpness of the video vision versions here. Watching these women in action, without retouching or photoshoping is just a little too nude and natural. Imperfections are one thing, but Extreme Makeover would have a hard time curing what curtails some of these flawed females. Modern pornography has spoiled us with its supermodel style and over glammed glitter. But the "un-enhanced" ladies here are so much of an acquired taste you'd expect them to be served in a Thai restaurant. If you are really into the breast fetish scene, you already know Score, Voluptuous and this fashion of flesh feast. But the average guys just looking for some smoldering over the shoulder boulders in hot, horny histrionics should perhaps keep searching. Stacked and Packed is for a certain clientele and nothing is more boring than being a non-believer in a parish where the sin minister is preaching to the converted.

The Video:
Stacked and Packed is clear and clean in its video vibrancy. Since no additional lighting is used and some of the location shooting is done without filters, we do experience bad color loss and some super-saturation of light. But for the most part, the 1.33:1 full screen image is professional and presentable.

The Audio:
In a word: atrocious. Anything Ashley Evans is trying to sell in her boyfriend-less bedroom farce is lost in a swamp of buzzing and feedback. Stevie sounds like she is being recorded by the camera's internal mic. Ruth and Linzi have only awful blip-bleep beats surrounding their asexual strip act. And when you can barely hear the actress being "purposefully" interviewed for the disc, something is very wrong. If the DVD of Stacked and Packed can convince you of anything, it will be that you need to get your hearing checked, no matter what the Dolby Digital Stereo is supposedly offering.

The Extras:
Like a magazine, we get a few ads, some stats on the ladies (including their bra and cup size) and a few trailers of other titanic titted titles. Not really anything overwhelming or provocative about these less than stellar bonuses.

Final Thoughts:
It's hard to gauge the viability, as a product, of Stacked and Packed. It is easy to see how some men would cheer this lesson in hefty honeydews and cream their jeans and scream for more. And it is also fair to infer that most, non-obsessed sorts, will view this DVD and wonder where all the hooter heat is. Aside from Stevie's adventures in shaking anal suppositories and Via's effervescent bonanza, the rest of this disc is a bust (pardon the pun). On a Disco Dirge Peter Meter, Stacked and Packed gets a miserable 3.5 out of 10 and is recommended for a far-too-lonely-to-download-porn weeknight rental. Just be warned: only one and a half of the five scenes here are worthwhile. Couples will have a hard time embracing the boring, dispassionate antics here and so a Cohabitation Certification is withheld. Boobs are, indeed, a great and glorious thing. They wet nurse the world with their stellar curvature and nipple niceties. And maybe, in the future, a company will come along that can find the right way to champion the ample chest. But Stacked and Packed is bland and boring. In the carnival of the cleavage and the fiesta of the chesta, it's a rigged midway game where no one wins. This piρata of pendulous pods is just pedestrian.

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