Cast: Jana Cova, Angel Cassidy, Laurie Wallace, Sophie Evans, April Hanna, Roxanne Hall, Lady Victoria, Spencer
Length: 1Hr 30 min
Production Date: Bavarian Film, 2004
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Extras: Chapter Selectionâ€"actually just 5 random spots in the film, Behind the Scenesâ€"no more behind the scenes than the movie, again just a hodge-podge of footage with commentary in parts, Trailers
Body of Review:
There are really only five true scenes presented in the film. And the chapter selection has absolutely no relation to them. The first scene is a decent lesbian scene that has tongue and toy play. The second starts with some mild bondage and strap on action between two ladies. Thereâ€™s some heavy petting and light spanking until a bald dude unexpectedly walks in and gives one of the girls a lot of deep throating. They go into some three-way, thereâ€™s vaginal and anal and everything ends with a facial. This scene is by far the best, and proves how this could have been a decent film. Here, there is far less of a â€˜creativeâ€™ force and more straightforward filming. Although the lighting effects and annoying voice-over comes and goes, we at least get a stonger, full length scene. Following this comes a short scene with a pretty blonde and a dildo. Then there is a nice scene with two full-bodied blondes satisfying each other while a third films. The lighting here toggles between bleached and gold, which is really annoying, but at least for once itâ€™s fairly consistent. The final scene is another blonde, doing some nice solo work.
All of this sounds pretty good, but it is ruined by the interwoven footage. Thereâ€™s a great deal of masturbation, close-ups, changing in and out of outfits, photo shoots, and interviews. And it is all presented in a mishmash of incoherency. We may jump from one gorgeous, naked blonde writhing around alone on a bed, to another fully clothed, to a cityscape that has relevance to the filmâ€™s plotâ€"which is nothing more than a woman searching the world to create an escort service of the most beautiful women she finds. And this happens within seconds, and all throughout. Perhaps Uber Blondes is meant to be an artistic film, an expression of something Iâ€™m clearly not getting. Itâ€™s possible. But it seems more like a first time director, eager to implement every technique and affect he has discovered. When we finally do get into a scene, that seems to be lasting for some length of time, itâ€™s ruined by pesky filters and irritating edits
This film truly is a disappointment. And itâ€™s too bad because there are gorgeous women here with amazing bodies. And some of the scenes could have been good, if not great. But the switching between techno music and silence and the overlaying of voice-over-â€"which at times never seemed to end-â€"coupled with video that appears to be a collage of assorted footage, makes for one very humdrum film. The two decent scenesâ€"the threeway and the second girl on girlâ€"were only notable because they actually had steadied in focus and were not as interrupted as the others. Unless you are looking for a film that appears as one long commercial, or a behind the scenes interlaced with some story and a ridiculous voice over; or if you like an excessive use of color, effects and imaging, I would say Skip it because itâ€™s truly a mess.