When viewing adult movies, the main criteria I use to judge the film
is whether or not I was turned. If the sex leaves me cold, no matter
how well it was filmed or how tight the script, it is a bad film.
Luckily, there is always something in a porno film that I like. Even
in a bad movie, there will be some scene that manages to float my boat
and make it worth watching. Always, that is, until I viewed Claudine,
a movie with a bad script, poor acting, lousy camera work and cold sex.
Easily the worst adult movie I've seen.
The premise is that Claudine is a high priced dominatrix. People
pay her large amounts of money to abuse them while having sex. That
doesn't turn me on per se, but the idea doesn't turn me off either.
The thing that damned this movie is the fact that the sex scenes were very
brief, and had little sex in them. There was a lot of artsy camera
work. Filming swinging lights and rotating 360 degrees around a room
several times, but that didn't get me hot, or add to the plot. A
lot of the scenes were people on all fours dressed in leather just staring
at someone. I don't know if this was supposed to raise the expectation
level or what, but there was a lot of build up and no pay off. With
the sex in each scene lasting only a couple of minutes, and only one
ejaculation in the entire film, this was the first adult DVD that I thought
was a waste of time.
The scenes in this movie are:
1: Claudine, dressed in a leather outfit meets her first client.
The naked man starts by licking her stiletto heels and then having a dildo
worked into his ass. Then he's tied up and very lightly whipped before
she goes down on him a little. Then she puts a mask on him and dunks
his head into an aquarium a few times. When she steps out, he places
his head under the water and kills himself. When she
calls the police, they don't seem too concerned.
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2: Claudine then picks up a black guy in the street and invites
him home. As soon as they get inside, they start tearing at each
others clothes. He fingers her, and then he fucks her standing up
while flicking the light switch on and off. After a minute or two
(literally) they go to her bed where she blows on him, but he's no longer
hard, so Claudine kicks him out.
3: Claudine then goes to a party where naked tattooed people are posing
on stands while the guests mingle. The police officer shows up and
is taken upstairs by two girls in dog collars covered in white makeup so
that they look like Dalmatians. They both suck on him a bit, and
they he has sex with both of them, doggie style of course. He cums
on them in the first and only ejaculation shot in the movie. This
didn't do anything for me. As the girls start to sweat, the
make-up runs and gets over everyone. The strange camera work
seemed to go out of its way to ensure the scene wouldn't get anyone aroused.
4: A couple hire Claudine. They show up at her place, and
have sex while she watches. Then Claudine sits on the woman's face
while her boyfriend jacks off. Both women's knees and hands and feet
are shown, as if the director wasn't sure where the action was taking place.
Things start to heat up a little when the girl rides Claudine (who has
put on a strap-on) with her ass, and eventually the guy comes over and
puts his lady in a sandwich. Almost a good sex scene, but not quite.
5: The police officer comes over to question Claudine, and they
end up getting physical. She blows him and they he does her doggie
style and then, right when you think they are going to have a hot scene,
the movie abruptly ends. This sex in this scene lasted for less than
The two-channel audio track is identified as being French if you use
the display function on your DVD player, but it isn't. The audio
is a badly dubbed English track. The voice actors were very wooden
and did a horrible job. Aside from that, the DVD sounded pretty good.
The music was clear, and there wasn't any hiss of audio defects.
The video was about average for a low budget adult film. The colors
seemed to have a red push, and the lighting varies between scenes, but
nothing that would interfere with your enjoyment of the movie.
The extras on this DVD include three photo galleries, one of production
stills from the movie, and the other two with 'artistic' poses of nude
women. None of these were remotely erotic to me.
There are interviews with the write and two main characters. These
were in French with optional English subtitles. From these interviews
you can tell that the creators were attempting to make art. But even
so, the writer decided to be interviewed wearing a mask.
They included six songs form the movie too. You can select your
favorite and it plays over a still image.
The biggest bonus is a 48 minute making of documentary. In French
with optional subtitles, this featurette was an amateur affair. The
questions posed to the cast and actors were very loud, but the answers
were very quite. The camera work was jerky and the whole thing
had the feel of a home movie.
There is also a trailer to the movie.
I really disliked this movie. Not only was the script incredibly
inane, but there was little sex, and what sex there was lasted only a few
minutes. I could handle that if the sex was hot, but it wasn't.
In the domination scenes the master was not very domineering, and the sex
scenes had little actual sex. This movie is a waste of time.