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Wild on These

Studio: Legend Video » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 6/27/04

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

GENRE: Straight Compilation
STARS: Lacey, Black Diamond, Jasmine, Angel Dark, Gabriella, Sylvia Saint, Leanni Lei, Billy, Tony, Titus, Hacan, Carlos, Renato
LENGTH: 100 mins with bonus material

In the adult industry, there are many labels; shortcuts for describing smut. Sure, we have the standards (feature, compilation) and the subsets of each (straight, gay, fetish, gonzo) that help further redefine the fucking. But perhaps, with the veritable glut of material, it's time to come up with a new moniker; an abbreviation that helps explain away the plethora of mediocre monkey lovin' on the market. In this new realm of basic balling, the dynamics are different than in standard skin flicks. The X, XX and XXX exaggeration is replaced by a more effective, instructive symbol, a triptych that actually applies to the level of peter petrifying present. We will call this new category "Triple P" Porn, the three additional consonants standing for "plain, pretty and passive". Viewing PPP Porn is a lot like XXX hardcore, except with frilly doilies, cute little pink bows and a strange subtlety flooding every fuck scene. The sex is efficient, industrious, minimizing movement and position to maximize etiquette and politeness. No ass is violated without express permission and a cock is never allowed to fully explore an orifice that it is a tad too big to comfortably impale. All the women are genial, attractive and capable, all the men carry huge hogs and understand the delicacy of using them gingerly. In the world of PPP, passion is replaced with productivity and the pop shot is relegated to a mere afterthought, a random jump cut into any of the action on screen whether it makes a lick of sexual sense or not. To better illustrate the elements of this new category of cock and cunt...sorry, tallywacker and passionflower filmography we will sample Wild On These, a generic jive journey through the routine positions and calm facades of our new nude novelty.

The DVD: Wild On These is a scene compilation featuring mostly Latino gals with gloriously unaltered breasts. This means we see plenty of natural mammary motion. All the sequences feature the same few acts, accentuated by little or no spontaneity. Aside from a single pug fugly female, the rest of the cast is attractive in the most unsophisticated definition possible. No one is gorgeous or exceptional looking, and the men are so interchangeable they are barely given mention in the film's credits. Looking over the individual moments here, you'll soon understand why a PPP is a better ratings label than XXX. The hardcore is hampered by a lack of heat, strange shot selections, and highly suspect money shooting. In keeping with the upright and polite aura of this title, there will be a decent attempt to keep the descriptions frank, yet tasteful, explicit while maintaining a modicum of decorum. Let's start with:

Scene 1: Lacey and GENERIC MAN MEAT #1 (Could be someone named Billy)
While taking a nice, cleansing bath, Lacey makes the mistake of making the saints cry by touching her private parts. In comes GMM to teach her a lesson about leaving her love tunnel alone. He begins his instruction by licking and kissing her boobs. Then he moves down to her furry monkey and services it with a few sweet tongue tickles. Lacey returns the favor (being a very well-mannered young lady) by allowing GMM's 'member' to rest in her mouth for a while. Having fallen instantly in love during the few minutes they've been together, they decide to express their feelings physically, as adults are want to do. Mr. GMM takes his personal pole and places it inside Lacey's channel of chastity in a manner that recalls a playful puppy. After a few friendly strokes, Lacey decides to relieve some of the pressure on her lover man's knees and sits comfortably on his crotch, honey hole still filled with flesh flute. Indeed, this particular position recalls a nice day of horseback riding, backwards. So happy is GMM to be free of joint pain that he picks up Lacey and loves her in a standing missionary manner. So enraptured with his paramour that he can no longer contain his caring, he removes his wonder wand and releases his sacred seed all over Lacey's enamored face.

All flowery language aside, Scene 1 here sets up the problems we will face throughout the entire running time of Wild On These. Lacey is decent looking. GMM is a typical muscleman jock. Together, they make a nice couple. Unfortunately, they also make very libido crushing copulation. Part of the problem is the direction. Filmmaker Tom Stone loves the jump cut, using it far too often and destroying the rhythm of a scene by moving from one act to another without rhyme, reason or realism. In the first three minutes alone, we witness four sexual setups. Stone also focuses on the fetish ideal of "natural" and "unadorned" by breaking up hardcore sequences with individual holds on frames of breasts, butts and - of all things feet. Without a sense of the sentiments between the pair, the porn becomes tired and titillation free. XXX Score: 4/10, PPP Score: 8/10

Scene2: Black Diamond, GENERIC MAN MEAT #2 (could be a dude named Tony)
Our two lovebirds really enjoy each other's company and relish their long walks in the country. They like these excursions so much that they feel the need to celebrate the fun by expressing said delight physically. Most adults do find this manner of gratitude acceptable. Our GMM bathes his soul mates chest with lots of long licks and occasionally samples the perk pink protrudences residing there. He proceeds to further thank his bejeweled named sweetie by French kissing her pleasure port. He also applies digital manipulation to estimate the amount of moist amusement Ms. Diamond is experiencing. She is grateful for the attention and provides equal reciprocation on GMM's stiff sex organ. Her thanks even extend to the jubbly wubblies. In a playful bit of imitation, the local dogs provide the inspiration for an act of carnal knowledge between our two devotees. And just like a couple in June, under the moon, they spoon for a while. Finally, GMM can no longer contain his love potion and releases his essence all over Black's balking face. Unfortunately, she is not a fan of hot protein facials.

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Indeed, when Black Diamond (what an AWFUL adult entertainment name) is repulsed by the money shot here, the entire scene is totally ruined. It would seem that professional porn provocateurs would hire someone who didn't find sperm hideous, but Diamond almost ducks the dousing she gets in the end. This uninspired lass is the main reason the scene fails. While she has a nice rack and the GMM is perfectly serviceable, her low class gum chewing antics just don't gel with the tone of this fornication film. And what's with all the close-up shots of the guy's face? XXX Score: 3/10, PPP Score: 5.5/10

Scene 3: Jasmine, GENERIC MAN MEAT #3 (Could be a hunk named Titus)
It' s winter and the snowflakes are falling like the gentle wings of baby angels. The stark white setting is suddenly broken by the statuesque presence of our leading lady. Jasmine and her gent are enjoying a genial snowball fight when they feel the urge to comfort each other, carnally. A quick trip inside and both of our betrothed use their hands to explore each other's areas. Helping Jas off with her clothes, GMM places a few pecks of worship and wonder on his woman's plump pillows. Jasmine's satisfaction with said act results in her tasting her beau's manhood, spending a long time to make sure every inch is enjoyed. Knowing full well that it is better to give than to receive, GMM gently caresses Jasmine's down below butterfly with both his lips and his fingertips, making sure to touch the ruby red rosebud of her bottom in addition. Apparently, both Jasmine and her man are fans of those lovable four legged friends otherwise known as the dog since they meld together bodily just like two bow wows would. Jasmine really wants to please her partner, so she allows him access to the most sacred of all slots, and with some difficulty, GMM gets a semi-complete handle on the 'backdoor'. After a kiss for luck, implying removal from the rectum and placement in the mouth, G unleashes a shower of specialness and Jasmine graciously accepts the offering.

When GMM Titus (???) can barely fit his tool in Jasmine's tushy, we suddenly feel the lack of professionalism in this title. Like Diamond's disgust over spunk in the previous outing, Jasmine's jammed ass is not conducive to male member excitement. Also, director Stone goes overboard with the random shots here: clothed ass, feet, shoes, breasts, faces. This is supposed to be hardcore, not a human travelogue. However, this is one of the better scenes in the set. How sad. XXX Score: 4.5/10, PPP Score: 8/10

Scene 4: Angel Dark, GENERIC MAN MEAT #4 (Possibly a participant named Hacan)
Though her name suggests a gloomy Gus gal with little or no spark, Angel is really a very pert young lady and wants to make sure her man understands this. Trying to think of ways to make him realize and appreciate her caring, she decides to provide him with corporeal closeness. GMM loves to kiss and cuddle with his one true treasure and Angel likes the same. To show her feelings, she offers GMM her breasts, something that he accepts like a gentleman. After making sure they both have received a nice session of suckling, Ms. Dark has a grand old time gratifying GMM's groin. He returns the lip lock to Angel's female nether regions and both get pleasure from the oral attention. Relying on the position considered straight by most sexual theorists, the personal bliss of each partner is increased. Angel is so overheated, she accidentally lets GMM penetrate her pooper. Half embarrassed, half excited, she decides to give in and enjoy the rear end ride. Hoping to get even closer to each other as a way to increase their emotional bond, the couple spoon while GMM remains in Angel's antechamber. When he finds he can no longer restrain his respect for his close concubine, he provides a potion of personal passion all over Angel's face and chest. Ah, young love.

Stone's penchant for isolated body part shots is still in high gear in this scene, and it really does undermine Angel and Hacan's (???) sexual chemistry. While they seem to be really enjoying the acts, we can never get a true handle on the personal dynamic between the two. Stone is too busy creating separate still lives for each instance. XXX Score: 3/10, PPP Score: 7.5/10

Scene 5: Gabriella, GENERIC MAN MEAT#5 (maybe a mook named Carlos)
Sitting by a pool, soaking up the sun, Gabriella really loves the life of leisure. In fact, she enjoys it so much she wants to find a way to express that elation. Seeing her GMM on the other side of the water, she decides to observe the moment with some bodily celebrations. GMM is kind of a brute, a Hulk-ish figure with "everything" being large, from tongue to..."personal piston". With a longing in his lips for a little nibble of Gaby's bosom, our conjugal cad enjoys his mistress's mammaries. Knowing that the quickest way to a man's heart is through his love muscle, Ms. G strokes and smokes his strangely curved summer sausage until it's nice and hard. Then GMM plants a series of very wet kisses all over Gabriella's groinal area. Needing to feel even closer to her hunky meat man, Gaby accepts her sugar baby's baton in her orchestra pit, in a manner similar to how a mongrel would pile drive his own cur cutie. Next, the pair performs an act often referred to in the slang jargon as "reverse cowgirl", which seems very funny since there is not a horse in sight. Gabriella experiences the flavor of her own savory secretions when she cleans off GMM's member in preparation for the final flow of male emotional lotion. The sticky slick substance is slathered all over Gabriella's teeth, as it is known for its whitening power.

Let's state it right up front, Gabriella is a dog! UUUUUGGGGLLEEEE!!! She fell out of the unattractive tree and hit every branch on the way down, landing face first on a series of sharp spikes. With an incredibly tight and hot little body but a face that would scare small children and various barnyard animals, this sad slag sabotages the scene with her less than pretty parameters. And let's face it, our GMM here looks like a Hispanic version of a retarded Baby Huey with a penis that's practically curved back toward his own batch. It must be very painful to perform the acts he does, and the overall impression one gets from this scene is of two typical performers just passing time until the scene concludes. Stone's shot selection again hinders the hotness with strange close-ups and awkward angles. XXX Score: 2/10, PPP Score: 5/10

Scene 6: Sylvia Saint, Leanni Lei, GENERIC MAN MEAT #6 (a guess is that it's a guy named Renato)
Sylvia and Leanni are enjoying a brisk game of tennis. As the volleys come hard and fast, both gals really give it their all in a spirited sense of athletic competition. After a hard fought point, the ladies decide to commend each other's physical prowess by sharing some sensual sentiments, on court. Our GMM walks from the stands and starts to groom Sylvia from behind, cleaning her delicate derriere, both inside and out, with his tongue. To show her gratitude, Sylvia slides down and enjoys a snack of GMM's baloney pony. Leanni continues the sit-up slobbering and even pampers Sylvia's privates. GMM makes like a mutt and takes Ms. S from behind, while she counters Leanni's attentions with a little sugar wall work as well. All those years of show jumping really aid Sylvia when it's time to saddle up her man and act like a range rider, regular style. Leanni makes herself useful by kissing Syl's supple chest. Reversing the cowgirl motif, our Saint-ly she allows for a third input variation as she straddles her Samson and generously gyrates. Leanni is always around to lend a hand. GMM expresses his thanks by blowing a bunch of nut butter into the waiting jaws of his two passionate paramours.

Scene 6 is fairly decent, since Leanni's spirit of helping really increases the sensual nature of the action. Renato, if that's who it is, makes sure to satisfy his women and the balance between same sex sequences and straight ahead man/woman wonders is nicely maintained. There are a couple of strange shots, a split second instance where a man and two women, just laying in bed and watching TV, are shown, but Stone's desire to add ancillary material into the scene is kept to a minimum here, making our tennis session the best sequence in the film. XXX Score: 5/10, PPP Score: 9/10

Wild On These feels like film school porn, the kind of basic example of adult entertainment you'd get out of a classroom assignment in some enlightened multi-media college. This is Dick and Jane of the hardcore realm with most of the man meat removed for further feminization. The intended audience for this movie is a mystery. Men who like women without surgical switches will find the femmes fetching, but they appear to be pretty lousy lays. If you're looking for a subservient set of sex partners, the lovely but laconic ladies of Wild On These will fit the bill perfectly. And since they are woman of color, there is an exotic quality that may entice a certain subsection of flesh fans. But the men are just meat puppets, differentiated only by their odd personas (Scene #5's big dopey sexual savant) or penis size. Tom Stone should be required to watch a few hundred hours of Michael Ninn, Robbie D and Veronica Hart's heroic humping works to see how pornography can be raised to the level of legitimate moviemaking without resorting to lewd or gonzo gratuitousness. It seems all Stone is interested in is maintaining dignity for the sake of passion. And Wild On These becomes PPP porn because of it.

The Video:
There is not a bad shot or sequence in Wild On These. Yes, there are weird ones, montage moments that don't make sense and distract from the action, but the image work here is very well done. The transfer is clear and clean and a real atmosphere of simple solitude is maintained. Though there is nothing artistically outstanding to really push this presentation over the top, at least the 1.33:1 transfer looks first rate.

The Audio:
Using some sultry and sexy music to back up its body business, the Dolby Digital Stereo of Wild On These is very evocative. The soundtrack's bass and bongo beat really comes alive in the ambient aural offering and makes this DVD as sonically sure as the imaging. Don't expect to hear dialogue or talking, though. As this is a foreign film (or at least is FEELS like one), the conversation has been kept to a no-subtitles minimum to avoid translation traumas.

The Extras:
Another of this title's mediocre elements is the lack of actual extras. Sure, there is a menu item entitled "bonus action", but it turns out to be a couple of oral scenes (the pop shots, mostly) advertising phone sex. The sole trailer is for a South American series entitled Latin Nights and it looks rather dull. The photo gallery is a still shot repeat of the scenes on the disc and the "pop shot button" promised on the back of the DVD box turns out to be a menu selection choice on the separate scene screen. A behind the scenes featurette would have been nice, or a complete cast list explaining who everyone, including the men, were would have rounded out the package perfectly. All we have here instead is basic, bare bones, content.

Final Thoughts:
In truth, there is nothing really wrong with pretty porn. Shooting for a romantic dynamic in your marital aides is nothing to be ashamed of. And while other companies kowtow to oddballs who like to see anuses flushing fluid and gals gulping gallons of spunk, the careful creator will know that he has not offended, or befouled, anyone in pursuit of his prurient interests. But this doesn't mean that a demographic waiting on defilement wants to witness something soft and subtle. Therefore, on the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, Wild On These rates a middling 4.5 out of 10 and is a rental for those longing for lovely Latina honeys. On the PPP Scale, however, the movie rates a randy 7.5 out of 10 and can easily be recommended. Couples could also find this courteous copulation stimulating and satisfying, therefore, a Cohabitation Certification is gladly awarded. But with a title suggesting all out adult anarchy and a carnal caught in the act atmosphere, you'd expect Wild On These to be...well...wild. Instead, it is the perfect illustration of the new PPP rating system for smut. If you like your f-ing and s-ing nice and non-descript, you'll also go Wild On These. But if you want something that fits the bill as hardcore or extremely sexy, you'll need to pass by this flaccid fornication.

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