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Tera Tera Tera

Studio: Teravision » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 6/27/04

XCritic's Advice: Recommended

Tera Tera Tera

Vivid Entertainment

Genre: Vignette

Director: Chi Chi LaRue

Cast: Tera Patrick, Spyder Jonez, Jordan Haze, Mick Blue, Tristan Seagal, Savanna Samson, Nicole Sheridan, Ashley Long, Kimberly Kane, Voodoo, Michael Grant,

Length: 121.5 minutes

Date of Production: 2/20/2004 (box), 5/20/2004 (credits)

Extra's: This was one of those rare Vivid releases that got more than the bare bones, generic extras and I am thankful for that. I just wish they'd offer something better on a more regular basis since I think they are capable of doing so. The first extra of note was a short blowjob scene between Tera Patrick and Evan Seinfeld, her husband. I've detailed it below for those who are interested. There was also a short written biography that has drawn a lot of attention since it has been discredited all over the place. On top of two photogalleries, there was also a short solo scene of Savanna Samson masturbating on a set. I liked it and wished it lasted ten times as long but that's just the fan in me speaking. There was also 3.5 minutes of bloopers and outtakes focusing mainly on Tera Patrick goofing up. One of my favorite extras was the 15-minute long Behind the Scenes feature by Tina Tyler for the movie. If you want to dispel any fantasies you have of Tera Patrick, watch this first (I don't want to spoil it for you). There was also the usual trailers, positions room, double sided DVD cover and spam but perhaps my favorite extra were the two audio commentaries to go with the movie. One had director Chi Chi LaRue and Savanna Samson while the second one had Tera Patrick and Even Seinfeld (as his porn persona, Spyder Jonez). Each provided a lot of background information; as much but what wasn't said as by what was, if you catch my drift.

Condoms: Yes

Audio/Video Quality: The picture was presented in the usual 1.33:1 ratio full frame color as originally shot. The problems with the picture were numerous but included the usual complaints about huge levels of video noise, lots of grain, poor lighting, color over saturation and compression artifacts. The audio was presented in the usual stereo English but the music was too loud compared to the vocals and the hollowness of the audio track could've been fixed far more readily than adding a couple of audio commentaries. The up side to all this is that anyone wanting to see new Tera Patrick footage will have no choice but to see this DVD so don't fret about things Vivid can work on for the next release.

-- sponsored by --

Body of Review: Once upon a time there was a gal with a lean body and exotic look that worked for a number of companies. Her performances lacked any measure of heat and her sexual skills were weaker than a virgin on prom night. Over time, she developed a fan base of guys that saw past her lack of heat, energy, and skill to see the look she had; a look that was quite uncommon in porn at the time. The gal's name was Tera Patrick. After working with dozens of guys in a hundred or so movies, she took a contract with a little company known as Digital Playground. The terms of the contract are not generally known but it centered on Tera making some appearances, being in an occasional movie and cashing her paychecks. Things were going fine and based primarily on Tera's marketed image, Digital Playground became a powerhouse in the industry (at least for it's size). At some point a few years ago, Tera started flaking from engagements and eventually broke her contract, leaving porn for some time.

This would be the end of the story except that another powerful company, Vivid Entertainment, part of the Hustler Empire, signed Tera for a new contract and history was remade. Tera was given various things in return for getting implants and making a certain number of performances. She even signed autographs at the 2004 AEE Show for Vivid, drawing crowds almost as big as Ron Jeremy though not even approaching the lines for the famed Jenna Jameson, the true crown jewel of Vivid these days. In her first release since Island Fever 2, Tera and her husband had been given a renewed career in porn, one that probably requires her to play well with others, and the name of the movie is Tera Tera Tera. If you're a fan of Tera Patrick, this is the break you've been waiting for so other than reading the rest of my review, prepare to go get your copy of the movie, for all it's flaws:

Scene One: Reinventing Tera: Tera, finally back in porn after what seems like forever, had a scene with her real life husband, Evan/Spyder. They were in a dark room with poor lighting and her fans will immediately notice two things; one, she has new breasts and two, her husband looks like a freak with all those tattoos. Personally, I liked her lean, all-natural look far more than this but that's my taste. They did oral on one another and I'll be the first to admit that she seemed to have more energy than she had before but that's damning her with faint praise since she was always a cold fish in her scenes. They screwed after this and whatever reservations I had about him in the scene were proven in spades since this, his first scene, was pretty sad. If he's going to let his wife make porn, he should be man enough to recognize that he can't deliver the goods nearly as well as a dozen other studs (heck, he made Jeremy Steele look like a master woodsman with this scene). It ended when he jerked off onto her face.

Scene Two: Tera's Fantasy: Threesome: Jordan, a busty blonde with a curvy body, took care of Tristan and Mick in a smoky room. Initially, they serviced her orally, licking her crotch and sucking on her implants but it wasn't long before they were jamming their fingers in her pussy and cocks down her throat. She was very vocal in the scene as she slobbed their knobs and jerked them off but she really started to shine when screwed. I might not like her implants but I'm sure she earns every penny guys give her to take care of their needs. The energy level high, the scene was better than the first scene in several ways and ended with major loads on her face and chest.

Scene Three: Tera & Savanna: Tera, wanting to expand the boundaries she had set for every prior company she worked for, decided to do a lesbian scene with the lovely Savanna. They had a stylish stage and pink outfits with a whole lot of makeup in which to get busy with. After some interview time that came off as fake (at least Tera's part), the two gals had the actual sex in front of a fireplace by some large couches. Tera rimmed Savanna, something a lot of guys would like to do, and then her blonde friend's pussy. Savanna, an expert at all kinds of sexual practices, started off by sucking Tera's foot and worked her way up to Tera's pussy. The toys come into play after that and each gal gets some time with chrome vibrators. Savanna took a technical DP but Tera shied away from getting too outlandish and went the more sedate route. There was some pussy to mouth (PTM) action but not as much as some of you were probably hoping for.

Scene Four: Tera Solo: Tera. While describing her fantasy of seeing an orgy, masturbated while on a staircase. It was fairly limited in terms of heat and length but fans have had a drought for so long that they'll probably like this scene beyond all reason.

Scene Five: Tera's Fantasy: Seven Bodies: The orgy Tera was fantasizing about had some well-known performers in it. From Nicole and Voodoo, to Kimberly and Mick, to Ashley and Michael, and Kim, the cast was an interesting mix of new and established performers. They had a scene in an industrial setting with the guys wearing torn clothing and the gals their stripper-wear best. Nicole and Ashley shined as the stars here but the others didn't slack off by any means. The music came and went so fans of hearing the vocals over the music just need to be patient and you'll be okay. The sex was primarily oral and straight but there was also a bit of anal with a DP by long-legged Ashley who has taken on the largest men in porn so these guys were a breeze. It was easily the best scene of the movie and probably designed to allow Vivid to advertise anal sex in the Tera movie.

Scene Six: Tera Shares A Cock: Tera, in her last scene of the movie, shares Savanna with Spyder. In a sense, it was more about the lesbian angle than anything else since Spyder wasn't allowed to bone Tera's new pal, Savanna. The good news is that Savanna brought a lot more heat to the scene than the couple would've had by themselves (as evidenced in the previous scene). Savanna spanked Tera and helped her blow him but also spent some time licking her new gal-pal. Savanna also did some PTM (more technically, PTOGM) and offered her crotch for munching time. That said, the intercourse between Tera and Spyder was as good as she's done before so the scene was pretty good if you're a slavering fanboy of Tera's.

Bonus Scene: This was the scene where Tera and her real life husband, Spyder Jonez (Evan Seinfeld, no relation to Jerry), had a 6 minute romp in a grainy, darkened room on a table. They kissed, he went down on her and she gave him a blowjob. The vocals were almost completely covered by the loud, lame, music and he was about as appealing to watch as a mosquito in your room at night. In the end, he gave her a facial but it was perhaps the most soulless blowjob I've seen (and I've seen a lot of them).

Summary: If you've read the review to this point, you can probably tell that I thought it was a lot of hype, much like a really lame celebrity video being marketed by a gonzo company. If you're a fan of Tera Patrick though, there's only one rating you'll accept at her return from her lengthy sabbatical, DVD Talk Collector Series (though the movies qualities fall far short of that for most of you and a recommended makes more sense). While it looked weak and the sex wasn't more than you could get from a second stringer at a second rate company, fans know what they like. Oh, and the company that held her previous contract? They fared pretty well when they replaced Tera with a lovely blonde bombshell known as Jesse Jane. In the ever-changing world of porn, you have to understand that it all works out in the end and each company has come up a winner with the events that took place over Tera. In that sense, I wish them all well since both gals have large followings but only one seems to have earned it based on her performances.

You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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