GENRE: Anal/ Fetish
DIRECTOR: The Johnson Brothers
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 105 mins with bonus material
Life is all about second chances. From the most craven criminal to the cruelly collapsed celebrity, we the people love to forgive, forget and forge ahead. Usually, the rationale is as simple as building someone or something back up to eagerly and excitedly, bring them down hard once again. But there are those times when we truly want to give decried decisions another opportunity to prove themselves, if only for our own aesthetic confirmation. We require reassurance that the initial response to said stench was the right one, that issues like bias, sleep-deprivation or the rampant intake of intoxicants were not what clouded our razor-sharp judgment. A few months ago, an adult DVD title called Toss My Salad 3: The Last Crusade came across old Disco Dirge's desk, and after absorbing its anus eating antics for an hour and a half, it was declared a XXX dude. There was no fornication. What little hardcore action that existed was based solely on the blowjob and the pucker plucking. And to add insult to inequity, foodstuffs like salsa, mustard and zesty Italian dressing were drizzled over hairy man asshole and sampled with semi-sickening result. Once the butt buffet was finished, Dirge decided to never again let a Pure Filth Productions fetish disc drop into his DVD player. That was February of 2004.
Well, it's August of the same year and your faithful critic is giving the rectal repast another go. Toss My Salad 5: Revelations has changed very few of the red eye requirements that make these micro-managed movies so proclivity specific. They have dropped the condiment angle (perhaps because of the carb conscious approach everything is taking nowadays – sphincter must be Atkins approved) and expanded the roster of colon queens. So, with the passage of time and the elimination of groin gravy from the mix, is another DVD of salad tossing any better? Surprisingly, the answer is yes...and NO!!!
For those of you who are still virgins to the whole salad tossing experience, the term is supposedly derived from a prison practice that contains much more foulness and feces than you want to read about in a porn review. In the simplest terms, the act consists of a partner kneeling behind your spread butt cheeks and tonguing your bum hole until you cry "Charmin". The Hershey highway gourmet then usually provides the metaphysical version of a reach around by grabbing on your dick and doing a diver down. So in essence, a Toss My Salad DVD is all buttlicking and cock blowing, nothing else. You wanna see pussy eating? Tool to twat tangling? Any semblance of passion or passable pulchritude? Better step out and rent something featuring fucking then, since this title is all about its fetish. Now, there is nothing wrong with that, but after watching two of these DVDs, it's clear that they are made for ONLY those people who can't get enough tushy tasting. But the funny thing is, many of the scenes here feature very little colon cuisine. After a brief few moments, it's almost exclusively oral action. So if you dig aggressive, extreme close-up head, you may actually enjoy a Toss My Salad entry.
Many of the same actors from #3 are here (Juan Cuba, Rod Fontana) so we don't see new guys getting their hinders hurled. Most of the gals are new...and you can tell. They REALLYM don't want to be chowing down on beefy man butt. Individually, the scenes contain the following freak showing:
Scene 1: Cheery Poppens, Juan Cuba
2 minutes of salad tossing, 6 ½ minutes of oral
Cherry places tongue to toochis and shifts Juan's shitter. She also pulls on his balls with her mouth. After lots of ass tongue to mouth on Mr. Cuba's part, the BJ begins. Cherry sucks, shucks, deep throats, and lets Juan face fuck her. There are several rest periods while our Latino lothario tastes the essence of his Havana hard-on all over Ms. Poppen's lips. After still more wiener waxing and taint teasing, the Caribbean Casanova downloads a drop shot on Cherry's open mouth. As with any scene featuring the King of Foreskin (Cuba's dick is completely covered by excess flesh, with only a tiny window of available airspace at the end) ladies loathe snacking on his sit-upon and tend to take his penis with passive aplomb. Without music to set the mood or any kind of directorial flare (this is pure point and shoot, people), it's just ass crack and burro boner. There is very little passion between the participants, but Pure Filth is not really going for the ersatz fantasy angle. They want to showcase men getting their mud factories frenched, followed by a bout of basic load launching. On such a substandard level, the scene is ok. For anyone higher up on the porn proclivity food chain, it's dull. Score: 2.5/10
Scene 2: Lena Ramon, Rod Fontana
3 minutes of salad tossing, 7 minutes of oral
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There was a while there, when the Dirge lamented the elongated nutsack of Evan Stone, taking any opportunity to make fun of his dangling ball bandana with ridiculous relish. Recently, there has been a change of heart regarding Mr. Stone's substantial sling and no more crass or crude comments about it have or will be forthcoming. This does not apply to Rod "Pig Pouch" Fontana, however. This man's scrotum is so large that it flops about like a just caught carp whenever he moves the merest millimeter. With a groin resembling a rare pink rhinoceros with a pronounced dewlap, Fontana's mutant batch will either stimulate or ameliorate your guy/gal gonzo goodwill. As for the effect is has on this scene, one lives in constant fear that Rod's ball bag is going to hit Lena in the face and knock her flat (the very definition of cold cocked). Lena licks ass for a while, then blows Rod. Then goes back to the butt. Then returns to the tool. This goes on for the entire scene. During the head, there is deep throating and the most amazing of mouth antics ever – Lena swallows Rod's entire enormous sack!!! Mr. Fontana is even so frisky that he lays spread eagle on a couch and let's Ms. Ramon munch on his goofy gooch. The pop shot is in hand as Rod jacks himself into semen submission. Lena seems more into the pooper pleasantries, and Fontana expresses similar satisfaction. If it wasn't for the weird wood and stretched gonads, this would be a decent, if decidedly one note scene. Score 2.5/10
Scene 3: Ashley Haze, Dwayne Cumminz
3:30 minutes of salad tossing, 6:30 minutes of oral
In a far more balanced approach to derriere and dick dynamics, Dwayne and Ashley enjoy a little tit play with their ass eating and dick blowing. The scene is directed so badly, however, that most of the XXX action happens out of frame. As with most of the salad tossing in this title, we never get in close enough to see real rectal reaming. This makes many of these moments in a TMS DVD suspect. Still, the couple coalesces nicely together and after shooting his syrup all over Ashley's mouth and chest, we have another successful intestinal rejoinder. Score 2/10
Scene 4: Summer Lynn, Juan Cuba
2:45 minutes of salad tossing, 5:45 minutes of oral
Trying to spice up the basic rim/rod sequences, Summer slides up to Mr. Cuba's crack and proceeds to thrust her breasts into his ass. Other than this tantalizing bit of tit, the rest of the scene is a repeat from Scene 1. There is ball sucking, cock knocking, gratuitous lovelacing, face fucking, tit fucking and plenty of Juan kissing Summer's spicy post-sex mouth. Shooting his seed from that tiny hole in the end of his sausage casing, Mr. Cuba can only offer a few teaspoons of response. Summer seems to enjoy Juan's chocolate channel better than Cherry, which is strange, since she is new to the Toss My Salad family. Score: 2.5 /10
Scene 5: Gen Padova, Rod Fontana
2 minutes of salad tossing, 5 minutes of oral
Long Balls Silver is back and he's got TMS favorite Gen Padova to dig his dirty dung hole. While Gen loves lunching on hairy man monocle, the actual lips to log lounge is way too short in this scene – only about 2 minutes. The rest of the time is spent in the service of Mr. Fontana's famous phallus and there is all the same old suck and fuck shit going on – throating, tainting, spread eagle and sack sucking. After a rather long facet of facial fornication, Rod releases all over Gen's cheeks. Enormous testicle container aside, this is one of the better scenes in the set. Gen and Rod are professionals and they put on a decent display. Since this is gonzo, we aren't supposed to feel anything other than erection projections and it almost works here. Score: 4/10
Scene 6: Antonette, Juan Cuba
3:30 minutes of salad tossing, 5 minutes of oral
There is a better balance of XXX basics, though none of it deviates from the other scenes. We are supposed to get off on seeing Juan with yet another wanton wench, but until they share a couple of very spit-filled kisses – actually hocking loogies into each other's mouth – or Cube's cutting back and spreading like a national symbol, this is just routine. Antonette is another novice to the anal antics and she doesn't seem to cotton to them very well. Score: 1.5/10
Scene 7: Nicole Parks, Dino Bravo
2:30 minutes of salad tossing, 4:30 minutes of oral
Another by the book example of what makes a Toss My Salad title so tiring. Dino and Nicole look good together, but all we get is the same butt/boner lunching. Nothing new or even noticeably different. While some might believe that tepid, empty hardcore is better than no hardcore, these derivative XXX tantrums will test that theory. Score: 1/10
Scene 8: Roxy Blaze, Rod Fontana
3 minutes of salad tossing, 7 minutes of oral
In his third appearance (tying Mr. Cuba for most salad tossed in a single sex film) Rod unleashes his lethal prick pocket and gives Ms. Blaze a good ball breaking. Roxy is reluctant to lunch on the loaf pincher for too long – she'd much rather polish Fonty's rocket. Add in the patented tit and face fucking and you suddenly feel like you're in a 'k' a-hole thanks to the Mobius mannerisms of Toss My Salad 5: Revelations. At this point in the rectal proceedings, we've spent too much time watching women eat rump. Score 1.5/10
OK, Toss My Salad got a second chance. It had the ability to speak for itself yet again and make a porno plea for acceptance and understanding. And removed from the food-based fiasco of installment number three, we can eliminate our taste buds from the ass assessment and make a value judgment. And frankly, Toss My Salad #5 is tolerable. It is by no great shakes a decent hardcore DVD experience. It is much too involved in its own fetish (and marketed proclivity product) to care if the rest of the audience "gets it". If you are someone out there who longs to see women service men from the back door, then this disc will offer up enough interesting variations on said theme to keep your cock in command mode for a while. But just like a title featuring nothing but cum shots, or women peeing for our pleasure (a contradiction in sex terms if ever there was one...ick!) a little salad shooting can go a VERY, VERY, VERY, long way. But as long as there is a market for this mindless mining of the rancid rosebud, we can expect more Toss My Salad titles. Hopefully, the filmmakers will realize that a broader audience can be achieved by mixing in just a small amount of XXX exercises into the very static single concept of ass eating. While tongue to taint and tush is a very pleasurable experience, it should be part of a balanced, not an irregular hardcore diet.
Filmed in an apartment setting with LOTS of extreme close-ups (actually, the 1.33:1 full framing is really nothing BUTT close-ups), the video transfer of Toss My Salad 5: Revelations is professional and acceptable. No attempt is made at artistic composition or human interaction. When it's time to lick sphincter, the camera is right there with the participants. While there is no flaring or bleeding, there is also no imagination or invention to the shooting style. Just get as close as possible, point and click.
Once the "Toss My Salad" mandate is uttered by the male actor, all we then hear is occasional moans, chokes and giggles. The Dolby Digital stereo is not overly loud and is almost always clear. But the filmmakers are obviously not using a separate sound kit for the recording, but are merely utilizing the digital camera's internal mic.
Perhaps the single most interesting aspect of this DVD is the 15-minute Behind the Scenes featurette that consists of interviews with some of the performers before and after a tossing session. No one seems particularly overjoyed with the concept of ass eating, but there is still a light and happy atmosphere to the proceedings. There is lots of joking – especially about Rod Fontana's burrito induced anal issues – but for the most part, it is just idle chitchat between man cheek mouthfuls. There is also a still gallery that seems pointless on a DVD, as well as the standard issue phone sex/web ads.
Sometimes, second chances yield first results. No matter how you doctor it up or try to slap several coats of carnality to it, boring anal fetish rim job porn is REALLY boring anal fetish rim job porn. Toss My Salad can add any manner of subtitled retardation to its moniker (The Last Crusade? Revelations? Huh? What? Snuh?) and it will still be a collection of ten minute scenes featuring women eating out the asshole of a man before blowing him to orgasm. If that description tantalizes your tendencies, by all mean, check out Toss My Salad 5: Revelations. If, however, you like to see fucking, sucking, cunt eating, doggie dynamics, reverse cowgirl or any number of penis to pussy combinations, seek out some other masturbation manufacturer. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, Toss My Salad 5 rates a rather tepid 2.5 out of 10 and is not recommended. However, if you want to see what all of the hinder hubbub is about, a one-time rental may be in order. Couples will NOT find this fun, since the ladies get very little lewd luxury here, so a Cohabitation Certification is denied. During the course of the behind the scenes material, one of the Johnson Brothers, directors of these fine feasts of gluteus gluttony proclaim that they are the "originators" of this brand of gonzo fetish material. Frankly, they can have it. Toss My Salad is hardcore at its more halting. What's so XXX appetizing about this type of action is completely baffling.