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Tease Me then Please Me

Studio: Platinum X Pictures » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 9/17/04

XCritic's Advice: Watch It Online

GENRE: Straight Compilation
DIRECTORS: Michael Stefano
STARS: Isabel Ice, Roxy, Katin, Teagan, Michelle B., Michael Stefano, John Strong
LENGTH: 150 mins with bonus material

Could somebody please explain Michael Stefano to the ole' Dirge, please? Everybody apparently loves this stud pud, and yet all throughout the running time of his latest opus to aggressive sex, Tease Me, Then Please Me, the Dirge got the stinking, sinking feeling of mass female exploitation crawling around inside his psyche. Obviously, some men respond to the notion of total repeat TOTAL domination of a woman, but when does it become too much? Throughout the nearly two-plus hour length of this simple scene compilation, Stefano slaps girls (and we're not talking love taps or playful spanking) grabs them in one-handed choke holds, spits on them and more or less explores every possible way to humiliate and humble them. Of course, while all this overly aggressive action is going on, dicks are stuffing asses and pussy is being pummeled by penis. So the dilemma that results is this: can a hardcore pornography title be too button-pushingly provocative? Can it stretch the boundaries of social acceptability outside the realm of witnessing a gaping bunghole filled with cum? Is it possible to have your carnality and add craven, sexist bullshit to it as well? The answer, sadly, seems to be "yes", and if you like your log-jamming on the near-rape side of the XXX repartee, then you'll probably pull a peter or two over Tease Me, Then Please Me. But if the sight of a girl getting gobbed on and not in the 'lube up the privates' ideal leaves you queasy instead of in engorged ecstasy, then you may need to avoid this physically confrontational title.

The DVD:
Let's begin with the basics. Enclosed in this DVD package are five sex scenes, each running nearly 30 minutes in length. Even for a two-on-one, guys to gal ratio routine, that's a lot of positions to plow through. Stefano and his buddy in balling, John Strong, are more than up to the carnal convolutions, however. An average fuck fest on Tease Me, Then Please Me will have upwards of 15 to 16 body bonking changes, multiple V/A to M, lots of casual cabaret and perhaps the busiest camera in the business. Stefano's direction is erratic, to say the least. He will hold on certain circumstances for long periods of time, and then suddenly shift into ADD mode and move the camera around like it suffers from St. Vitus Dance. This means the hardcore can and is hampered by bad angles and/or haphazard framing. Not taking the abusive nature of the interpersonal byplay into consideration, nothing really distinguishes this compilation from others on the market unless of course you are a fan of Stefano's or Strong's. Theirs are the only proffered pecker for the ladies to lunch on and lunge onto. The best way to determine whether this wanton weirdness will wax your wiener into wildness wonderment is to look at what happens in each scene, individually, to determine if there is anything here beyond the constant bitch slapping: Let's start with:

Scene 1: Isabel Ice, Michael Stefano, John Strong
Violating the first rule of facial close-ups (never let the camera in close if you've got teeth that jut out at strange, obtuse angles) Isabel starts whining for cock...and the Dirge does mean WHINING! This woman just doesn't shut up. She pouts for peter. She begs for boomstick. And when Stefano finally enters the frame, she turns on the entreating to the point of intense aggravation. Tweaking her flapjacked breasts through a tacky fishnet top, Stefano degrades and humiliates Isabel. He makes her finger herself, and then taste the tang. Then he follows suit, using his hand in her honey hole. Subsequently, the first disturbing thing happens. Stefano smacks Isabel, open hand, right in the face. She seems mildly disturbed, but doesn't break the moment. Then he forces her on her knees and spews a long, nasty loogie right in her mouth. Isabel lets it sit there as Michael steps in to kiss her (talk about sharing spit). After a little lip lock, Stefano slaps her again. Then he demands she SMELL his dick...that's SMELL, not suck or lick, ladies and genial men. As she snorts his sausage like it's human crank, Stefano turns up the potty talk. He calls Isabel every name in the misogynist's cookbook and then beats on her breasts with his palms. He then forces her head down onto a dildo placed on the floor, making her deep throat (and hold said position) as tears well up in her eyes. He coerces her into giving the toy head, then takes the ersatz tool off the ground and fucks her with it doggie style. Inserting his thumb into her ass, Stefano hands the digit over to her for a little A to M. This happens a few more times and we haven't even started the person-to-person fornication!

Stefano jumps up on top of Isabel and pile drives her pussy, smashing her face into the ground. Then he moves to the butt and plugs her up. Gaping is glanced in disgusting detail (Ms. Ice has a greasy, hairy ass!) and then things revert back to some manner of normalcy. Stefano kisses Isabel as she jacks his joint, and there is some A to M with deep throating and gagging. Before we know it, the winds of wantonness again shift suddenly and we are right into the double penetration, reverse cowgirl design. After some intense fucking with complimentary cock tasting we move to a session of regular cowgirl DP. Anal spooning is next on the list and with more post-insertion log lunching, the dudes' dicks in this scene are seeing more mouth than mons time. Finally, the entire dynamic de-evolves into a free-for-all as Mike and John pop pistons all over Izzy's ugly face. For the most part, porn has to strive very hard to make the average fan feel uncomfortable. But Stefano's abusive persona, matched with Isabel's unfortunate features (not to mention the bruises covering her body EWWW!) make this a difficult scene to stomach. While some will find the fucking and sucking almost nuclear in heat production, others may be wondering why charges weren't filed. Score: 3 out of 10.

Scene 2: Roxy, Michael Stefano

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Stefano steps down the serial rapist shtick a couple of naughty notches as he has his way with the fairly attractive Roxy. There is still far too much slapping, choking, hair pulling, mouth stretching and forced fucking than one wants to see in a marital aid, but the results are at least not so repulsive as in the first sequence here. After a little cabaret, Roxy sucks Michael's cock and he repays her with most of the above list of abuses. After gagging her, he jumps down and tosses her salad. He then pushes Roxy onto her side and spoons her snatch (this is while they still have their clothes on). Sterfano samples some of the creamy cooter and Roxy licks his toes. Our maul man then proceeds to face fuck his ladylove and then pound her in reverse cowgirl style. After going back down to the dick-drilled pussy for a little light licking, Michael let's his fingers do the fondling as he pokes and prods Roxy's rectum. He then bangs her sidesaddle before trying an anal entry. He manages a meager pooper penetration and Roxy does not seem that happy about it at all. She screams that it hurts. Oh course, Mr. Sensitive Stefano just keeps cramming dong into dumper. He finally finagles some rear end pile driver and soon Roxy is purring like a well-fed house cat. There is some A to M, a few minutes of booty bronco bucking and a little standing sex before Michael milks his tool teat all over Roxy's face.

Again, Stefano is just way too aggressive for a straight scene compilation. Though the DVD case claims the disc provides "Great Tease and Hot Sex..." the question becomes who's taunting whom? Is Michael, or any of the men in this set the mocker or the mockee? And just what constitutes good clean ridicule? The strip tease? The dick licking? The constant face slapping? Part of the problem with Tease Me, Then Please Me is that there are no lines being drawn. The message is clear: women LIKE being abused. And while nothing is farther from the truth than said sadistic sentiment, Stefano would have you believe it's every gal's secret desire. Granted, the coupling here is far more erotic than the first fracas, but this very volatile degradation is way over the top. Score: 4.5 out of 10

Scene 3: Michelle B, Michael Stefano, John Strong
Another double team, another free-for-all of anarchic sex acts. Michelle has the standard pre-Millennial boob job, meaning her mounds are rock hard and round as a bald man's pate. While taking a shower she shows off, given some mediocre cabaret before Stefano appears. He teases her through the glass walls of the shower (surprisingly, he does NOT put her head through them) and she responds in drunken stupor style, big ole man hands fondling her unflappable chest. Michael gets the initial BJ treatment as Michelle gives his tool a tasting. But before you know it, John has arrived and Micky has two tree stumps to slurp on. She trades off, paying attention to each engorged member until the cowgirl DP begins. Organs fill orifice as the boys ball their babe with fiery efficiency, even throwing in a little ass spanking, A to M and pile driving for good measure. Reverse range riding is explored and every time the dudes switch off, Michelle is there to sample some ass shaft. Eventually, both men are ready to rock and after a little gaping and some standing shuttlecocking (upright DP is rather odd looking) our men melt their pud plaster all over Michelle's face. Overall, there is not a lot of eroticism in this sequence. Michelle appears to be going through the motions, rendering the hardcore hackneyed and forced. Even the guys seem to be off their "A" game. They both have trouble trouncing Michelle's crevices in the dual bradawling pattern. Score: 3 out of 10

Scene 4: Teagan, Michael Stefano
Apparently, Ms. Tea is the next big thing in adult entertainment, but quite frankly, the Dirge doesn't see it. What about this waif is so appealing? Her tiny tits? Her high school girl looks (don't answer that)? Sure, she packs a powerful peter porking wallop when she wails, and her scene here is very aggressive and very loud. But there is nothing that really makes her standout from dozens of other petite divas. Sexually, her scene with Stefano is fairly decent. It begins with some stripping (AAAAAAH, so HERE'S the teasing...) and a little posing for the camera. She then masturbates for a while, using her fingers to explore her moistening love canal. Michael moves into frame, prick quivering in the breeze and Teagan tops him off with a little head. Enjoying the oral johnson gyrations so much that he must kiss and cuddle his concubine, Stefano then provides his own cunt craving CPR. The couple engages in straight sex (with plenty of V to M), some doggie and reverse cowgirl. Once schlong meets shitter, things start to turn ugly. While in the spoon position, Stefano starts choking Teagan (BOO!). The heat is turned up again and he pile drivers her fudge factory. There is some gaping kootmahl and then Michael unloads his love liquid onto Ms. T's anxious lips. She proceeds to swallow the stiffee swill.

Perhaps the best scene in the collection because of its limited assault and battery, this pairing still showcases some of the inherent problems with Tease Me, Then Please Me. Stefano's direction is far too unfocused (even though he is in front of, not behind, the camera). His substitute lensman misses some of the sharking and the extreme close-ups don't add very much passion to the proceedings. Maybe the reason why Teagan is porn's superstar in-the-making comes directly from this sequence. If her reputation can survive this film, she's destined for XXX stardom. Score: 5 out of 10

Scene 5: Katin, Michael Stefano, John Strong
Our final fuck festival on the Tease Me, Then Please Me DVD is yet another adventure in two cock craziness. About the only added attraction here is the rampant thumb and toe sucking going on, as well as some weird underwear sniffing (F to M, that is). After blowing Michael's fingers and feet, Katin sucks his shaft until he wants some bearded clam juice. After his visit to Connie the Linguist - which is finger sticking and licking good, by the way - the couple does the dirty dog as Mr. Strong waits for his cum cue. After some V to M (with ball action) and anal reverse cowgirl, Johnny gets his prompt and the DP swings into high gear. As various permutations of the possible twosome penetration positions are explored, cocks constantly find an oral oasis in between trips into dark moist nether regions. There is more feet suckling, and some unwelcome gapping, followed by a few more machinations (cowgirl DP, anal with blowjob) before our dudes drip testicle treats into Katin's mushy mouth. She swallows every drop with dis-gusto!

The foot fetish foolishness here, along with a couple of other queer concepts, help to make this trio an almost arousing finale to Tease Me, Then Please Me. Katin seems more game than other DP participants and the lack of Twister-style circumstances lets us follow the flow of the sex. While by no means a perfect send-off, this sequence helps remove some but not ALL of the bad taste we have in our psyche from the rest of the repugnance presented. Score: 4 out of 5.

Growing less degrading and more decent as the scenes go by, Tease Me, Then Please Me must have some sub-atomic demographic in its marketing sites. Obviously pandering to people with a proclivity toward domination and rough treatment in the sack, Mr. Stefano creates a rather consistent, if corrupt, concept of "straight" XXX material. This does not excuse the director/star and his stylistic choices, however. Something is wrong with this guy, period. Slapping gals in the face is not sexy. Grabbing their throats and restricting vital female airflow does not make penises perk up and palpitate and if it does, heaven help us all. Sure, this is all "fantasy", and these are "performers" making with the angry, abusive antics. But to try and sell this as "teasing" is toxic. It sends the wrong message to men and excludes the ladies from enjoyment of the Eros. A few times in Tease Me, Then Please Me, the hardcore hums along with titillation and temptation. But leave it to our "hands on" lothario to go and ruin it all with a little hair-pulling or forced gagging. While it may sound like an old school porn fan frowning on the new breed for trying to tie in some outsider elements to the new, modern millennium of adult material, the incredibly coarse canoodling here is just not conducive to tantalized tool time. While it's just one man's open-minded opinion, there is really nothing rigidity rendering about this twisted title.

The Video:
With a decidedly homemade feel and camcorder foul-ups a'plenty, Tease Me, Then Please Me is not a great looking adult title. While the colors, including the all important skin tones, are regulated and radiant, the focus pulling is occasionally sloppy and the framing misses many moments of enticement. As standard full screen 1.33:1 transfers go, this DVD is pedestrian. If you don't mind a more gratuitous gonzo approach to video vice, then this digital presentation will easily satisfy your salaciousness. Those looking for more professional results will not be pleased.

The Audio:
You've got to give Stefano credit: where other titles tend to turn down the grunt and groan, Michael amps the monkey noises, under the mistaken believe that louder is lewder. Sorry to say it, Mr. S, but more voluminous is just that, a decibel pushing pain in the eardrum. You will have to reach for your remote several times a scene during Tease Me, Then Please Me as actors overreact in yelps and whelps. The Dolby Digital Stereo savors each and every sonic booming moment, rendering the aural portion of this DVD a divergent mess.

The Extras:
Simon Wolfe, distributor of this title, fleshes out the festivities with a nice collection of bonus material. Along with the standard trailers, a very self-aggrandizing puff piece passing itself off as Michael Stefano's BIO (Italian STUD indeed) and website/phone sex ads, we are treated to a Behind the Scenes featurette and some extra footage. Sadly, the supplementary sex stuff is just cutting room floor fucking - deleted angles and extra bits edited out of the scenes already included on this disc. The featurette is a much better bit of context. In what is rapidly becoming the standard for such items on adult DVDs, we are treated to mini-interviews with each actress, quirky Q&A's that deal with issues like the love of anal, hygiene, erectile dysfunction and industry trade secrets. One of the more interesting moments occurs when Teagan complains of a peeling tan. Grabbing a bottle of body glitter and an airbrush, the makeup gal spray paints away Tea's telltale sun damage and provides her person with a nice, shimmering glow. Anyone who wonders why girls look so good or BAD in the performance of XXX activities can learn a great deal from these backstage sagas.

Final Thoughts:
Perhaps the Dirge is being too prudish about the slime and punishment variations of Tease Me, Then Please Me. Maybe borderline torture is the wave of the future in adult entertainment. Maybe we are working ourselves to the point where porn will encompass all manner of miscreant behavior, Videodrome style, to allow us to tap into our most perverted desires. While it is unfair to compare Michael Stefano's scene compilation with snuff films or shit eating, something about the borderline abuse here taints this old fart's fetlocks something fierce. So you be the judge. If anything about this review gave you pause, if any of the aggressive attributes have you wondering if this is what you want in a hardcore happening, then a rental is the only way for you to approach this awkward artifact. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, Tease Me, Then Please Me receives a 4 out of 10, and thanks to its anti-female facets, fails to earn a couple-friendly Cohabitation Certification. Sure there is an audience for this manner of movie. And it is quite possible that this critic missed the broad interpretation boat when it came to this title. But there is nothing teasing, and just a minor amount of pleasing on this DVD. The rest of the ridiculousness feels like a wounded ego trip for its faux-violent auteur.

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