GENRE: Straight Feature
DIRECTOR: Charlie Lords
STARS: Tawny Roberts, Wendy Divine, Kody Coxxx, Zoe Belmont, Vincent Vega, Evan Stone, Peter Shaft, Marty Romano, Eric Masterson
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 150 mins with bonus material
Why are the individuals who work in the adult industry called "actors"? It's not like we ever really see them emote – unless, oh course, you consider fake fucking and the noises that cum along with said circumstance actual thespianism. True, an occasional anomaly will appear. Evan Stone seems slightly askew, consistently giving a little extra wicked wink to the camera before he proceeds to the pussy. And Randy Spears really exudes self-assured cockiness, and it's not just from the groin area. Of the recent grouping of gals, Aurora Snow has an inner swagger that plays perfectly on screen. And Briana Banks can milk the dumb blonde cash cow for all its worth. But for the most part, most of these erstwhile entities can't act – at least not in the traditional sense of the word. Certainly they can pretend to enjoy having their ass reamed out by a 14-inch long power penis, but give them a few lines to read and their expressions go as blank as a newborn baby making a BM. Unfortunately, high-minded directors like Robby D and David Stanley keep sticking these statues in high-minded, big concept scripts, with the results usually as awkward as a queef during cunnilingus. Charlie Lords is also guilty of some similar miscasting. His latest offering, distributed by Vivid, is called The Agent, and features the near-inert vacuity of one Tawny Roberts. While fetching as all firmament and completely capable in her cunt/cock capabilities, this lady can barely walk and breath at the same time, let alone recite dialogue. Yet she is the star of this cinematically limp, but erotically charged story of a real estate agent with more than a title search on her mind.
There seems to be a flesh feast formula to Vivid's recent output, one that could be categorized as "minimal, yet amorous". Every scene here is light on the position performance but very erogenous. Only one couple even gets close to double-digit drill dynamics. Basically, once a sequence begins, you are guaranteed to see two or three specific couplings before the cock squirts sauce. There is both an up side and a down side to this kind of carnality. On the positive, we get more passionate performances out of the actors. They tend to meld together better, giving off the luscious illusion of total corporeal commitment. In the downward mode, ten minutes of reverse cowgirl is an awful lot, and the focus on just a few actions can lead to a sense of sluggishness. With so many hardcore titles pushing the limits of sexual logistics, mandating their participants fuck in every possible pose, such simplicity seems overtly conservative. Make no mistake about it – the vast majority of the man-to-woman wantonness is very erotic. But it is also bare bones and basic compared to other adult films.
As for a plot, The Agent's narrative is as uncomplicated as it gets. Tawny is trying to sell Eric Masterson's house. She personally deals with Evan Stone and the homeowner himself. During the course of the open house, couples Wendy and Vincent, Kody and Peter, and Zoe and Marty show up and make themselves right at randy home. That's about it, folks. People show up and pork. Roll end credits. Individually, we can see how this clothesline plot pointing tries to hold everything together while the aforementioned nominal nookie concept comes sharply into focus. We begin with:
Scene 1: Wendy Divine, Vincent Vega
Tanwy answers the door and Evan Stone is there. He wants to see the house, especially the bedroom. The couple connects and decides to screw. But before they can begin, someone else arrives. Wendy and Vincent would like to see the house as well, and Tawny drops them off in the den while she returns to her prior customer. After some kissing and fondling, Wendy sucks Vincent's dick with lots of teasing and shaft action. Almost instantly, we move into reverse cowgirl, followed by straight vaginal and doggy. After a few more minutes of bush pushing, Mr. Vega voids, unleashing his load all over Wendy's backside. One of the consistently excellent aspects of The Agent is the chimera that each pairing presented could pass for lustful lovers. Wendy and Vincent seem to find a place of mutual attraction and work that wonderstuff down to the quick. This makes the sequence here sensual, if not very adventurous. We only see three positions, and this will be par for the poon throughout the course of The Agent. Score: 7 out of 10.
Scene 2: Tawny Roberts, Evan Stone
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After Wendy and Vincent are finished, we cut to a poolside cabana area where Evan and Tawny are tying one on, tool wise. There is lots of erotic foreplay and some slick cabaret by Ms. Roberts. While calming classical music plays, Evan grabs Tawny and snacks on her snatch. He even inserts a few fingers into her sugar walls to taste the saccharine sweetness. Tawny returns the favor by lunching on log, giving Evan's big ballsack a nice long slurping. Picking up his paramour, Mr. Stone provides some standing cowgirl before the pair settles back down into reverse rodeo mode. Laying on a picnic table, side-by-side, the couple straight spoon until Evan is ready to rock. He positions Ms. Roberts toes by the head of his honker and releases his joy juice all over her feet. She proceeds to stick the slick piggies in her mouth and lick off the liquid. In another case of perfect casting, Evan's beach bum bravado matches well with Tawny's clueless cutie pie. The result is one of the best scenes in the film: hot and incredibly horny with incredibly dynamic sex. Score: 8.5 out of 10
Scene 3: Kody Coxxx (a.k.a. Honey), Peter Shaft
Kody and Peter are another pair of house hunters who step into the debaucherous dwelling and immediately get into the swingers of things. Taking up residence in the kitchen, the couple kisses and fondles each other before riding off into blowjob territory. Ms. Coxxx lives up to her ludicrous last name as she slobbers all over Peter's pole. She even fucks his sword with her skin sacks to give the penis extra pleasure. Eventually, the duo begins copulating and runs through the reverse cowgirl, doggy and straight anal situations. Peter can no longer control his cock and spreads some of his "I Can't Believe It's Not Cum" all over Kody's mouth and chest. She licks on his rhythm stick to get every last drop. Kody and Peter are the least successful pairing in these proceedings and the answer as to why becomes obvious in the enclosed bonus Behind the Scenes featurette. Seems that this couple did not know each other until they shot the scene, and even maintained anonymity through the course of the shoot. Performing as perfect strangers is never the best way to sell sex on screen, as this mediocre monkey business certifies. Score: 4 out of 10.
Scene 4: Zoe Belmont, Marty Romano
Looking more like an escaped convict or beer drinking/Hell raising bad ass biker than a potential homeowner, Mary and his "old lady' – a.k.a. Zoe – scorch up the screen with their fiery fucking. Taking up a poolside location, the lovers share some oral (both parties get pussy/prick pampered) and each appears to really relish the act. Next, Marty's member starts banging at the backdoor of the doghouse as a little vaginal bow-wow is worked into the mix. Next, we see some cowgirl, and straight vaginal. Mr. Romano gets so riled up that he shoots his seed all over Ms. Belmont's body, even positioning a nice puddle under her armpit. Zoe and Marty are fantastic together, completely into their acts and always attentive to each others needs. But director Charles Lords completely fucks up this scene by using more softcore than hardcore angles in the editing. A great deal of the penetration is out of our view so that when the couple are heck-a-slammin', we barely witness the actual balling. It's too bad. With better camera control, this would have been one of the best scenes in the story. Score: 5.5 out of 10.
Scene 5: Tawny Roberts, Eric Masterson
Our final onscreen sharkfest pairs Tawny and Eric and as she proved with Evan Stone, as long as she's on the cock of the right performer, Ms. Roberts is red hot. Well, Mr. Masterson obviously has the magic touch – and tool – since they both respond with an incredibly intense scene. Tawny puff on Eric's peter for a while, absolutely enjoying the dick licking. Then she mounts her man for some reverse cowgirl. Just when it looks like the bronco bucking will last forever, they move into a canine configuration, and its there where Eric finally fulfills his needs. He pops his prick porridge all over Tawny's tight ass, and apparently, the movie is over. Everything said about Scene 2 applies here. This is XXX action at its bravest and most beautiful. Score: 8.5 out of 10
The Agent is a simple film – perhaps, too simple. Or maybe the better word choice here is 'simpleton'. With a writing credit attributed to one Yo-Yo Mama (which is actually one of the more clever things in this film) and the flimsiest of premises to hang its porn on, this so-called comedy is about as funny as Evan Stone's elongated ballsack (Sorry, had to get one last nut shot in there). As a plot point, an open house featuring a foxy, hot to trot real estate agent seems like the perfect hardcore set up. Merely let the clientele in, step back, and watch the boffing begin. But while the sex here is stupendous, the story development is stymied. Nothing much happens. A couple of people come in. They fuck like refugees from a reality show, and the narrative then dries up and blows away. Even the ending is obtuse. Eric fucks Tawny and agrees that his home is some manner of aphrodisiac. Next, we see a "SOLD" sign placed across a picture of the abode. The credits roll. Now, exactly what is that supposed to mean? Did Eric re-buy his own dwelling? Did Tawny purchase it as some manner of bawdy boudoir? Maybe it was one of the other randy realtors that escrowed the estate. Whatever the conclusion, it's as if director Charles Lords just up and forgot about the plot. He gets the necessary nookie on film, so why worry about such silly little issues like continuity, or closure. While the sex sizzles, the rest of the movie fizzles, making The Agent an excellent XXX feature, but barely passing the pud mustard as a motion picture.
One of the best parts of The Agent is its image. Beautifully photographed, the 1.33:1 full screen transfer is colorful and clear. Contrasts are good, meaning that details are readily apparent and pleasant throughout. Lords still looses it a little, giving us more softcore than hardcore shot combinations, and he does mess up a few times and present his scenes out of order - we sometimes see people plooking who haven't even arrived yet. But the overall look of the film is professional and polished.
Like the visuals, the sonic circumstances in The Agent are also excellent. Lords knows how to employ music to enhance his moods and the Dolby Digital Stereo recreates it all brilliantly. From a purely technically standpoint, The Agent is a dynamite digital presentation.
Vivid is notorious for larding on the extras in the DVD offerings and The Agent is no exception. First up, every scene has an alternate angle option. Whenever the icon appears onscreen, you activate your remote control to witness fucking, sucking and cumming in different visual variations. Tawny gets her own gallery, as does the film. There are trailers galore and the usual ads for everything from phone sex to penis enlargement. There is an interesting 10-minute Behind the Scenes featurette that showcases bloopers, outtakes and candid conversations with the cast. It is here that we learn about Kody and Peter's vow of personal ignorance, Tawny's terrible memorization skills and the overall dictatorial nature of director Lords. Part of the time, this is an eye-opening expose. The rest of the run is just flubs and foul ups.
And of course, there are the bonus scenes. Tawny Roberts is featured in three lesbian workouts, with other performers rounding out Scenes 4 and 5. Each sequence is special in its own right, so let's look at them separately. We begin with:
Bonus Scene 1: Tawny Roberts, Stephanie Swift
From: Faraway (2004)
Director: David Stanley
Acts Engaged In: Foreplay, Toe Sucking, Cunnilingus, Toy Play
The Dirge has nothing against lesbianism, either as a lifestyle choice or a same sex scene scenario. But it seems like most Sappho circumstances in adult films are either boring or basic. This scene is a little of both, and as a result, doesn't generate much heat. Score: 3 out of 10.
Bonus Scene 2: Tawny Roberts, Jessica Jaymes
From: The Most Beautiful Girl in the World (2004)
Director: David Stanley
Acts Engaged In: Tit Sucking, Cunnilingus, Toy Play
Tawny and Jessica match up well together, bringing a lot of heat and passion to their pussy plucking. As with all lipstick lesbian workouts, some of the stuff here is sizzling. Other times, it's as tepid as an unwanted tube steak. Score: 5 out of 10
Bonus Scene 3: Tawny Roberts, Holly Hollywood
From: Unlovable (2004)
Director: David Stanley
Acts Engaged In: Foreplay, Fingering, Cunnilingus, Toy Play and Fucking
Okay, here we have yet ANOTHER gal/pal workout and everything said before pretty much applies here. There is a great deal more posing and preening here than in other offerings, but the combination of bawdy and boredom still weakens the wildness. Score: 4 out of 10
Bonus Scene 4: Zana, Dale Dabone
From: Eyes Wide Open (2004)
Director: Robby D
Acts Engaged In: Foreplay, Masturbation, Blow Job, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, Anal Doggy, Straight Anal, #hot in Mouth, Swallowing
Finally, some guy on gal action and boy is it blazing. Zana and Dale fuck and suck at a fever pitch throughout the majority of this scene, and the sex is incredibly erotic. This clip is perhaps the best of the bonus material. Score: 7 out of 10
Bonus Scene 5: Meriesa, Pat Myne
From: The Watcher 17 (2004)
Director: Robby D
Acts Engaged In: Cunnilingus, Blow Job, Hand Job, Doggy, Straight Vaginal, Anal Doggy, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, $hot in mouth
This is a calm, competent scene between two pork pros and the results are excellent. While it would have been nice to see some more machinations between the couple, the moan and groan moments we do share with them are very steamy. Score: 6 out of 10
Maybe it's unfair to lambaste a porn performer for not being much of an actor. After all, they are really required to do little more than sell sex onscreen, and if they are at least halfway successful in that calling, then their performance can be considered presentable. There are lots of method mistakes in The Agent, times when talent seems as distant as the road to mainstream success. But this is a terrific XXX title with exciting, if somewhat simple, hardcore happenings. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, The Agent scores a 7.5 out of 10 and is recommended. There is nothing here to scare away the ladies (or the lads) and so a Cohabitation Certification is awarded for all those couples out there. Perhaps one day the world of smut will produce its own miscreant Meryl Streep or penis pounding Pacino. But until that time arrives, we must muddle through the less than stellar dramatizations of the average adult film star. There will always be a few who do more than "rise" to the occasion. Sadly, for the vast majority, it's a season in substandard summer shark that will never seem to end. And it's the audience that pays the ultimate unrealistic price.