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Caribbean Undercover

Studio: Other » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 11/27/04

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

Caribbean Undercover

Adam & Eve/Ultimate Pictures

Genre: Feature

Director: Nicholas Steele

Cast: Tera Patrick, Caroline Cage, Cheila/Sheila, Jessica Drake, Schelly/Shelly Elson, Judy, Vanda, Evan Stone, Brick Majors, Mark Davis, Anthony Crane, Mickey G

Length: 113 minutes

Date of Production: 8/1999 (box), 1/10/1999 credits)

Extra's: The sole extra I cared at all about was the 88 minute Behind the Scenes Documentary by Steven St. Croix. It was boring compared to Seymore Butts' movies and amateurish compared to the ones on Eyes Of Desire or A Witch's Tail that were made around the same time but I did like seeing some of the scenes in a different light than the movie showed them (sometimes better!) and seeing Bobbi Bliss in an extra scene was nice. There was also an 18 minute trailer section and ~40 photo's for those that care.

Condoms: Yes

Audio/Video Quality: The DVD was very mixed on both accounts. Some of the time, the music fit and wasn't too loud while other times it was intrusive; especially when the sex started. The DVD case touted that the production had 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound but it didn't register as such on my receiver and sure didn't sound like it. The video had its own problems. While the background shots were great looking; you may notice that the production crew seems to have forgotten that shooting against a bright background requires a different lighting setup. Several times, the colors were way too saturated and dark. At other times, the lighting left me to guess what's going on because the foliage (i.e.: trees and plants) covered the action or the performers were washed out. I noticed a number of digital artifacts during a number of scenes which may have been due to the transfer as well.

Body of Review: Over the years, I've come across only a handful of performers that truly inspired men from all backgrounds to come together in unison and demand "more!" One of these women has been Tera Patrick, an exotic cutie that once inspired men from far and wide to buy anything she was in, regardless of the quality of her performances. While her looks were great, her sexual skill have never been particularly interesting and take it from a guy that's watched more porn than virtually anyone on the planet; Tera is the ultimate gal in the "less filling" category. That said, when her career was still new and she hadn't progressed to the big leagues of contract gal superstardom (initially at Digital Playground before settling in at Vivid), she made a few movies that had some merit. One of these was a little title by the name of Caribbean Undercover.

-- sponsored by --

The movie was a spy spoof of sorts that had an appeal for fans of James Bond that were never satisfied with his lack of onscreen sexual exploits (even though many characters appeared to have names that'd fit right in on a porn set; including Pussy Galore). The story was convoluted and seemed to bounce around like a check from a low end production company but the idea was primarily to showcase the lush tropical scenery and the cast of attractive performers as they did their primary function in life; screw on camera. Fans of Tera will be happy to note that she even did anal here, a reported first anal at that. If this sounds like the kind of thing you're looking for, read the following brief breakdowns of scenes as I gave them several years ago:

Scene One: The first scene was between Vanda (called "Nita" in the documentary) and Evan in a jeep. They basically pulled off the road and had sex after they parked. This scene was the worst in terms of plants getting in the way. It also was shot in a slow motion kind of photography that drained the heat from the scene like it drained the blood from my crotch. I liked it for a little while but it got on my nerves after a few minutes. I suppose they were trying to shoot a couples movie and this is a standard element of those types of films but a little goes a long way and director Nicholas Steele is known for his numerous uses of such photography in almost all of his films.

Scene Two: The next scene was between Shelly, Caroline, Judy and Mark on a boat. Once again I saw the lighting problem introduced by having such a bright background and a relatively dark bunch of bodies. The women looked better than Vanda (who was attractive nonetheless) but they lacked her passion for sex. It was not a bad scene but certainly a waste of talent such a talented group of performers.

Scene Three: The scene that followed was with Tera and Mickey having a fairly warm scene for her. I can see why they put Tera on the cover of the box; she looks great, but it would've been nice if her scenes were longer and if she learned to let loose a little bit. Her fans will no doubt defend her lack of passion as part of her charm but a lame fuck is just that and no amount of ass kissing fans is going to change this fact.

Scene Four: The next scene was with Caroline and Brick on a rocky alcove while Evan and Shelly(?) screwed on the boat. The scene was edited to go back and forth between them and to be honest-I didn't like the approach. Both couples had their own merit and this style detracted from each but the scenery was fine and those who haven't watched much porn might enjoy the romp.

Scene Five: The next scene was with Sheila and Mark under a waterfall. By this time, you'll be ready to write a letter to Adam & Eve telling them to kick Nicholas in the ass for the slow motion stuff. The couple looked good but was hampered by the technical side of things. If you enjoy the tamer side of sex this type of scene gives you, more power to you but Adam & Eve has done a lot better with far less resources both before and after this movie was made.

Scene Six: Jessica and Evan (he sure got lots of screen time in this movie) were up next in and around the pool. While the lighting wasn't always the best, the scene was pretty good. The two should star in a sequel; shot by someone else of course. While I've long been a fan of hers, I wouldn't be untruthful to say that she was probably the most talented gal of the movie both in terms of her passionate sex as well as her ability to coax a load. Is it any wonder that these two were married (although have since broken up) given their work here?

Scene Seven: The last scene was between Tera and Anthony. This is the scene that everyone seems to love. We get to see Tera taking it anally. I'll admit that she's a hotty but a few of the others here were at least as good looking and all were better sexually. In any case, it was a good scene for her fans but others may want to keep a fresh pair of batteries handy; either for their remote control or their pocket rocket, depending on what they're looking to do.

Summary: This is another big budget porn movie where you wonder what went wrong. It had all the elements of what should succeed on a number of levels but fell far short of a good time in most cases. After giving it some consideration I decided that the problem was that they tried to make everyone happy. The old saying is: "You can't please everyone and if you try, you'll please no one." You may now use this movie as a perfect example of the adage. It seems obvious that the movie was designed to be edited for and sold to cable. When a porn director or producer wants to make a movie with plot and acting, they need to pick the right cast. This cast was made up mostly of people that didn't speak English (you learn this during the documentary) and most of the ones who can have no acting ability. That doesn't mean they can't be great porn stars, most of them are already acknowledged as such, it just means that you shouldn't use them in roles with more depth. Maybe if the cast spent more time reading the script and less time goofing off in the pool (we see that in the documentary too), they could have acted better than they did. The technical matters got in the way as well. Maybe the crew was too busy having a big party during the shoot but some of the mistakes would be obvious to a first year film student. To be fair, most porn is shot with little regard for technical details but with a reported budget this large, I certainly expect more than what I saw onscreen. You'll be working out the old remote control hand as much as the "other" hand here. This is a case where the ambition of the producer/director was greater than their ability. I'm going to rate it as a Rent It but fans of Tera's will be needing to see what she was like before the hype took over and propelled her into the spotlight.

This Don Houston "retro-review" was written long ago before the so-called Professor of Porn had much experience writing reviews. Since that time, he has found Adam & Eve to have a lot of good releases and seen more porn that almost anyone reviewing on the internet. Keep in mind that his comments accurately reflected his fresh viewpoint of the time he first saw the movie.

Note: You can see recent candid shots of several of these performers by visiting: My Photo's and read about their antics at 2004 AEE Show.

You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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