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Ridden Hard and Put Away Wet

Studio: Metro » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 11/30/04

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Ridden Hard and Put Away Wet

Metro Interactive

Genre: Vignette

Director: John T. Bone (AKA: John Bowen)

Cast: Jasmine St. Claire, Nikki Starr, Candy Apples, Bobbi, Carolina, Dave Hardman, Kyle Stone, Earl Slate, Colt Steele

Length: 76 minutes

Date of Production: 6/30/97

Extra's: All that was included were 59 minutes worth of trailers (the usual Metro set-on side B) and a lame ~4 minute photo gallery.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: The picture was presented in the usual 1.33:1 ratio full frame color, as originally shot. Unlike many of John's more recent works (where the artistic effects kill the heat), the lighting was fairly decent and kept the video noise to a minimum. It had a few compression artifacts and compositional problems but otherwise it looked pretty good with accurate colors and flesh tones. The audio was in monaural English that really didn't try to do very much but I could hear the vocals reasonably well and that was a lot different than a number of John's other releases over the decades.

-- sponsored by --

Body of Review: One of my current favorite companies is Metro Interactive primarily due to their releases by contract directors Pat Myne and Skeeter Kerkove. While they have gone to extreme lengths to improve their movies in recent years, it should come as no surprise that once upon a time, they released a lot of lame DVDs by hack directors like John Bone. One of his older releases for the company was Ridden Hard and Put Away Wet, a showcase movie starring Jasmine St. Claire. The movie revolved around Jasmine and her company as they went through the motions of sexual escapades common to porn. We never get much of a clue as to what exactly she does at her company but it really didn't matter. Jasmine looked really good but she only had one sex scene. The other women looked, to be frank, tired, worn and skanky. If I had to guess, I'd say they had a casting call beside a methadone clinic and offered free fixes. The movie had straight, oral, lesbian, threesomes, a strap-on, anal, and fingering in terms of sex acts but little passion or heat to make the proceedings worthwhile. While it's available cheap these days, the adage that you get what you pay for comes to mind as I write this review. If you're a fan of the cast here, read on as I describe, however briefly, the four scenes:

Scene One: The first scene was a male and female in the office. It had zero heat due to zero chemistry. The names of the performers will go unpublished to protect them from themselves. Actually, as in most of the movie, the cast was mostly anonymous; the credits don't tell us who's who, Metro's website doesn't mention it, nor does the box. Perhaps this is a good thing since you won't be seeking out any of their other work anytime soon.

Scene Two: The next scene was a threesome with two guys and a gal. The acting was particularly bad during this scenes setup. The acting was not the worst part of it as you will see if you watch the sex scene. The only thing of note is that the woman took both guys up the ass; at least that's what it looks like, at once. If you have even an ounce of homophobia in your system, skip this scene.

Scene Three: The next scene was the lesbian scene with two women. I know one of them was Candy; she had her name tattooed across her chest. They had the fakest orgasms in the movie and were just as bad actresses as anyone else here. You'll notice that they had the most ass zits as well which was not a small feat here considering the multitude of those blemishes on the fleshy mounds of joy the women had to offer. They were loud and lame and that's their claim to fame.

Scene Four: The last scene was between Jasmine (finally!) and two guys. She took it in every hole and was at least passingly okay in the scene. If not for Jasmine, the movie would've completely sucked, and not in a good way if you catch my drift. While she was never as hot an anal queen as some of today's top picks, she had a look (see the front cover) that lent itself to the concept of masturbation compared to many of her peers.

Summary: I wondered why Metro threw this one together and decided that the reason to surround Jasmine with a bunch of third stringers (the women at least) was an attempt to make her look better. In a sense, they succeeded; she looked great by comparison. Had the movie included more sex with her and less with the others, it may have been better but even that marginal difference wouldn't have saved the DVD from the scrap heap.

The plot and acting reminded me why most people want porn to avoid having either in a movie. Delicately put, the "talent" rarely had any acting talent or at least enough to make a plot work. Good porn doesn't need either; although a decent plot, with decent acting can make a good movie better. I consider it gravy when done right but the meat and potatoes still have to be present for the fun to merit a better rating.

I think that the totality of the DVD lent itself to a rating of Skip It unless you're a fan of the cast, which would elevate the rating at least a little bit for you. Jasmine and the others have undoubtedly been in better releases, even if none come to mind, so don't drop your dough on a movie this bad.

Note to Metro: This is the kind of movie I had long associated with your company. I've recently seen a lot better from you and figured that perhaps the trend was towards more high end (read: quality) releases. Also remember that surrounding a babe (Jasmine) with skanky looking women doesn't elevate the babe by comparison; it only lowers her desirability somewhat.

This Don Houston "retro-review" was written long ago before the so-called Professor of Porn had much experience writing reviews. Since that time, he has found Metro to have a lot of good releases and seen more porn than almost anyone reviewing on the internet. Keep in mind that his comments accurately reflected his fresh viewpoint of the time he first saw the movie.

Note: You can see recent candid shots of many more recent performers by visiting: My Photo's and read about their antics at 2004 AEE Show.

You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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