GENRE: Celebrity Hardcore Home Movie
DIRECTOR: Sean Waltman
STARS: Joanie Laurer, Sean Waltman
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 130 mins with bonus material
Ever since Rob Lowe decided to canoodle with some underage wench in an Atlanta hotel room, the underground marketplace has been deluged with one mediocre bit of personal porn after another. Pam and Tommy, Paris and Rick, Vince and Brandy, Tonya and Jeff, R. Kelly and...well, the list goes on and on. It seems that some celebrities see it as a badge of honor to air out their dirty lewd laundry in some manner of semi-public display. Usually under the banner of "stolen by a bodyguard" or "left behind by accident", you know that the vast majority of these camcorder craptaculars are nothing more than egotistical excuses, deluding the citizenry into thinking that fame is the ultimate, self-indulgent aphrodisiac.
Now we can add ex-WWF (or WWE, whatever) wrestlers Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman to the list of videography victims. Collecting a couple of crappy scenes of their own personal pandering, and linking them together with some manner of Peking puke, this sex tape scam is about as bold as they get. Featuring flaccid fucking, substandard sucking and two physically suspect personalities, this DVD is guaranteed to make you think twice about future infamous rig friggings. Nothing about 1 Night in China will make you want to take a return trip.
Back during the better days of The Howard Stern Show, our crude dude shock jock challenged longtime whack pack member, Nicole Bass, to take a gender determination test. For years, Howard and the rest of his staff had relentlessly teased Nicole about being too "manly" to claim full feminine status. Nicole loved to laud her place as the supposed world's largest female bodybuilder (and, let's face it, the behemoth babe was a brute) but always seemed to balk when it was suggested that she was less than a lady. With the help of a doctor and a DNA test, the accusers were eventually silenced when it was determined that Ms. Bass was, indeed, a gal.
Too bad Howard doesn't get the same chance to work his scientific swiffer on Joanie Laurer a.k.a Chyna (and while he's at it, her ex-wrestling guy Sean Waltman, a.k.a X-Pac could use a testosterone test or two) before she plumed the depths of depravity to appear in and approve the
"accidental" release of her hardcore home movie, 1 Night in China.
Some better titles for this tedium would be 1 Night in Amateur Video Class, 1 Night in Some Rather Routine Sexual Activity, 1 Night in Clever Marketing and Manipulative Moviemaking 101 or 1 Night in a "If Everyone Else is Doing It and Making a Buck, Why the Fuck Can't I" Frame of Mind. Over the course of two twenty minute scenes, we get to see the kind of sizzling, professional hardcore action we'd get if we had a chance to watch our infirmed, elderly neighbors knocking boots. Like a new dad with an overly complicated video camera attached to his palm, soon to be ex-life partner Sean gives us one awkward first person POV shot after another, all in an attempt to make us feel like we are right there, getting our wang woozled by the 'roid raging square circle jerker herself.
There are several unsexy things to look out for in this rather repugnant display of faux celebrity superciliousness: (1) anyone who thinks they are in for some professional porking needs to head on over to Adult DVD Empire and load up on the practiced porn, pronto. Joanie and Sean are only in this for themselves penetration, positions or money shot be damned; (2) this is hand held humping at its most Blair Witchy. The camera can't stop stuttering as Sean tries to pump and focus pull at the same time; (3) Finally, it has to be said, and it's probably going to piss a few people off, but Mademoiselle Laurer's got a cock. Well, not really a penis, but the largest motherfucking, goddamned humongous, Earth-shatteringly large clit the Dirge has ever seen. Big enough for Sean to suck it like a sausage (and stare in wonder as it grows and grows...). Ample enough to make you doubt her genetic gender juices. So pronounced it could be a public service ad for the dangers of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs. One look at her loins and Aerosmith won't be able to sing that signature song of theirs. Dude doesn't look like a lady, since lady is sporting like a dude!
Considering that the sex is simple, the visuals are rather vile and the overall action has more soft than hardcore, one has to wonder what all the hype and hoopla is about. Some are going to focus on Joanie's near jimmie, while others will wonder why the final pop seems ported over from another altogether. There will be a few who see the opening strip tease and lament that this cabaret come-on is not included in the disc. And then they'll see Ms. Laurer on all fours, taking it up the poop chute in red lingerie and speculate on why said sex scene is not part of this package (Oh LORD, don't say it it is not being saved for the SEQUEL, is it!?!?!). Indeed, 1 Night in China will raise a lot of issues, if not a lot of log. Guys who get their glands engorged over this mighty hermaphrodite humpfest need to start perusing the tranny aisle the next time they're at their local adult retailer. They'll find better borderline boy-boy action there.
Individually, we can view each separate sex scene to see if there is anything salvageable in this squalid set. We start with:
Scene 1: Joanie and Sean in Banging in the Bedroom
In this monochrome miscarriage (more night vision green and gray than out and out black and white), Joanie comes out of the closet no, not THAT way and models a nice little lingerie outfit for Sean. Being the fashion plate that he is (we see our Jeri-curled jet setter roam around the Far East in what looks like a bad set of pajamas during some quickly cobbled together insert footage) Sean suggests Joanie change into something a little sluttier. So it's a quick cut later, and Ms. Laurer is decked out in what can best be called a derivative dominatrix outfit all black patent vinyl, tight fitting and accessorized with dozens of thin spaghetti straps. Happy to see his honey look like a transvestite from a Manhattan S&M club, Sean pops his pants and the scary sex begins.
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Naturally, it all starts with the blowjob. Joanie gets down on joint and, in all fairness, gives a rather erotic penis puffing. She takes long, luxuriant licks and snuggles Sean's cajones with her mouth. When she finally does the standard suck, you can tell she's watched her sisters in sin. There is the same old hand crank motion to her mouthing and a similar 'head' first focus. Next, Sean gets a chance to snack on Joanie's snatch. For this overly long act, he sets the camera on a tripod and manages to find the perfect angle to block any chance of us seeing his trip to Connie the linguist. As he munches on mons for what seems like hours, we get to see his middling man ass slowly fill the frame.
Finally, it's time to fuck, and as with most non-professional couples, our careless copulators just move right from pussy partaking to penetration. Sean climbs onto Joanie again, at an angle where we see nothing and for about three minutes, pounds her like cheap veal. We hear lots of skin slapping and body bouncing, but there is no up close insertion sequence or final freestyle money moment. Instead, our lunkheaded lover lets loose his lust liquid inside his personal paramour, rolls out of bed and turns off the camera.
If you wanted to experience some softcore sex shenanigans with your favorite ex-WWF/E athletes, you could do a lot worse than this rather dull diddling between Laurer and Waltman. They obviously appear to be in love, but that does not translate into sizzling hot action. Joanie spends most of the scene on her back, occasionally moaning and groaning like she's either aroused, or really hungry. Sean is a mostly silent lover, only occasionally espousing such witty bon mots as "suck my cock" and "oh yeah, that's it." With so much unseen foreplay and the shorter than stock schtuping, we learn that 50% of the homemade porn presented on this DVD is pretty pathetic. We are about to make it an even 100. Score: 2 out of 10.
Scene 2: Joanie and Sean in Balling in the Boudoir
This time, we are in living color. Ms. Laurer is lounging on the sink of some bathroom (we are supposed to believe it is a hotel in China, but we never get any clues that this is the case) and she is squirming with anticipatory delight. Sean gets the lens right up onto her cunt and...there it is, in all its mini-man meat glory. Joanie's junior johnson, a.k.a. her horse steroid engorged clitoris, and it is incredibly unnerving. Pierced at the base...yes, it is large enough to consider its particulars in such a pro-penis fashion, and sticking out of its hood like a mini mushroom, this particular personal peculiarity will be the unsettling focus of the next few minutes.
Sean sharks down on this diminutive dick and we get a long scene with camerawork by Joanie of honey head with helpful fingering. The way Mr. Waltman works that micro-wiener is a little weird, but at least we are up close on the activity. Before long, we are back to blowjob country, as Joanie enjoys lunching on actual male log. In a series of fairly shitty jump cuts, we are suddenly sampling the doggy domain. From an angle that gives us only minimal access to XXX excitement (we can vaguely make out a cock cramming into a crack, but the who, what, where, and how are kind of shaky) it is a few minutes of formless flesh flying in front of the screen. Almost as soon as it starts, we are back to the oral avenue as some implied V to M takes place. Joanie even dips Sean's stick in some red Kool-aid, takes a sip, and then sucks the sweet stuff off his stiffee.
Cut again, and its a bout of straight sex. We get a much better view of the penetration this time around, and the sight of seeing Sean's wang pump and push up underneath Mr. Laurer's inflated female private part is kind of disorienting. At least our main man has some editing inspired stamina this time around. He will continue to smack thighs with Joanie for a good five minutes before moving over to anal bow-wow. Again, it's the 'right on top of it' camerawork that limits our enjoyment of this rectal reaming. Also, again thanks to the editing, Mr. Waltman is able to work his wood for even longer. Indeed, we get nearly ten minutes of pseudo-projectiling before Sean prepares to squirt his special sauce. Naturally, the cum conclusion is from another scene, another setup - Heck...another sex tape altogether. The situations do not match. Joanie is wearing different clothes, and we really only see the aftermath of the moment, not the actual erectile emission.
On the plus side, this scene contains more sex than our first foray into the Laurer/Waltman relationship. There is more insertion and more passionate plooking than in the entire opening salvo. Instead of wasting time on strip showboating or cornball cabaret, this is wham, bam bonk basics. On the negative side, Sean is a shitty cameraman. Very few people can get away with making hardcore happen while still holding onto the camcorder. Seymour Butts is an expert. So is Manuel Ferrara. But Sean Waltman cannot cop a lens cap from these capable professionals, so we are constantly looking at out of focus frames filled with funky flesh that really provides very little in the way of visual enjoyment. The importing of a money shot from some other sex scene is very amateurish (why not just make up some fake cum and toss it across Joanie's junk trunk?) and it makes the entire sequence seem cobbled together...which it most likely is/was. Score: 3 out of 10.
Curiosity factor aside, there is no reason to recommend this routine visit with a couple of human oddities. Ms. Laurer is not very attractive, has a body badly malformed thanks to numerous trips to the plastic surgeon and the personal trainer's "juice" bar, and is hung like a micro-mule. Sean is a sedate lover, never doing anything remotely adventurous (unless you consider his entire relationship with Joanie to be a test of erotic endurance), merely going through the motions and capturing them in crappy fashion on film. There is an authentic, real couple feeling to this foolishness, a sense that we are seeing two non-actors really pouring on the pork. But unless you are entranced by seeing an ex-wrestling superstar sans skivvies, or want to marvel at a gal packing some potent pussywood, there is no reason to indulge in this noxious Night. Some celebrities should know better than to photograph themselves exchanging bodily fluids. Teach Joanie and Sean a lesson avoid this asexual stupidity like the personal plague that it is.
Our first half of 1 Night in China is fuzzy, indistinct gray/green videography, with lots of grain, lots of focus foul-ups and an overall muddy and ill-defined image. Part two puts us squarely into the skintone realm, but even then, everything is oversaturated and on the verge of whiting out. The color is crappy, the lack of detail ever present and the fuck framing sucks sugar warts. The only decent part of this entire presentation is Sean's walking tour of Mainland China. If you can get past all the "ugly American" jokes (he ridicules a great deal of what he sees) and simply enjoy the views of the Forbidden City or The Great Wall, you'll actually get some decent cinematography and travelogue atmosphere out of his DVD presentation. Otherwise, the sexcapades are visually atrocious.
Gonzo filmmakers know it and don't care. Borderline professionals understand it, and simply make due. But those in the market for making their own homemade hardcore need to learn this lesson immediately the internal microphone on your Sony handheld digital camera is NOT your friend. We can barely hear the banter between our couple, the soundtrack being covered in hiss and various white noises. When the sex starts, there are long passages of irritating silence before the insensitive technical instrument picks up a groan or a grunt. Offering such a substandard soundtrack in Dolby Digital Stereo is just a joke, since there is no attempt at atmosphere or mood. If you cringed at your grandpa's Betamax ballyhoos because they were often filled with far too many aural abominations, you get the same inner ear angst from this terrible DVD.
Hoping to save the salability of this stupidity, Red Light District has piled on the bonus scenery to make sure fuck fans have something to hang their hump on. Indeed, the quartet of quackenbush added in almost makes up for the Joanie/Sean debacle enclosed. Individually, we get the following helpings of hardcore:
Bonus Scene 1: Jasmine, Mike John
From: P.O.V. Pervert 4 (2004)
Directed by: Mike John
Acts Engaged In: Cabaret, Masturbation, Fingering, Blowjob, Cowgirl, V to M, Anal Doggy, Gaping, Straight Anal, Implied A to M, $hot on Face, Swallowing
The premise of POV Pervert is a first person, quasi-interactive experience between director John and his latest wannabe adult film star, in this case, the fetching Jasmine. Giving a very convincing performance, our lovely lass really ratchets up the heat as she humps the Hell out of John for the cockeyed camera. While the POV perspective can get a little annoying, and John should really work on his sex talk before chatting up the ingιnues, this is 1000 times better than anything Joanie or Sean get up to. Scenes like this one, and the remaining bonus material, single-handedly salvage this DVD from being a total disaster. Score: 7.5 out of 10
Bonus Scene 2: Sandra De Marco, Tiffany Hopkins, Manuel Ferrara
From: Anal Expedition 4 (2004)
Directed by: Manuel Ferrara
Acts Engaged In: Cabaret, Salad Tossing, Gape Tonguing, Anal Doggy, Gaping, Tit Slapping, A to M, Girl on Girl Oral, Anal Pile Driver, Kissing, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, A to M with Opposite Gal, Ball Action, Face Fucking, Jousting, Ass to Ass Penetration, Female Salad Tossing, Female Gape Tonguing, Standing Anal Reverse Cowgirl, $hot on Kissing Girls
As he proved with Double or Nothing, Manuel Ferrara is not only a great porn star, but an excellent adult director as well. His scene here with Sandra is incredibly aggressive and highly erotic. Once Tiffany gets into the mix, the heat is stifling. This is, without a doubt, the best scene on the DVD...and it's almost 100% anal, too. Yahoo! Score: 9.5 out of 10
Bonus Scene 3: Sammie Rhodes, Brett Rockman
From: Student Sluts for Facials (2004)
Directed by: David Luger
Acts Engaged In: Cabaret, Masturbation, Blowjob, Ball Action, Spooning, Doggy, V to M, Tit Fucking, $hot in Mouth
After the sizzle of Bonus Scene #2, anything would be a letdown. Well, welcome to anything, as Sammie and Brett barely bring on the ball in this derivative diddle. While both performers are attractive and match up well, there is just too much going through the motions here. Sammie seems disengaged and Brett appears to be working double overtime to keep her carnally connected. This means that instead of passion, we sense stasis, not the best element to sell hardcore sex. Score: 4 out of 10
Bonus Scene 4: Ellen Saint, Dillion Day, Erik Everhard, Steve Holmes, Franco Roccaforte, Robert Rosenberg
From: Cum Filled Asshole Overload (2004)
Directed by: Erik Everhard
Acts Engaged In: Oral, Dueling Head, Multiple Dick Sucking, Cunnilingus, Straight Sex, Cowgirl, Anal Fingering, Double Penetration from the Cowgirl Position, Jousting, Standing Double Penetration, Standing Anal, A to M, Anal Doggy, Gaping, Anal Pile Driver, $hots in Gape, Sperm Shitting, Cum Eating and Swallowing
There are two ways to approach a gangbang. One is an aggressive fuck fest where the lady seems less than lucky to be involved with so much man meat. The other is to have a willing participant, waging war with the wangs with wanton desire. Ellen is such an active contributor, never once letting on that there is any aspect of this cock-a-thon that she does not enjoy. She takes on every guy, his particular proclivity and the constant cramming of her coot and crack with equal aplomb. While the free for all nature of such scenes can be confusing, director Everhard understands how to keep the perversion flowing, and the result is a really good scene - one that borders on the abusive, but never quite crosses the line. Score: 7 out of 10.
Supposedly, this title features a second DVD of trailers (the packaging proclaims 1 Night in China is a "Two Disc Collector's Edition". Since the Dirge only had access to the screener copy of the title, he cannot comment on any other supposed added content.
If you think watching Paris Hilton plunder some pathetic stud muffin stooge is the height of hardcore happiness, you may actually enjoy 1 Night in China. If you've always wanted to know what Joanie Laurer looked like in a series of semi-compromising positions, than this DVD will be well worth your time. If you were always interested in the emerging trend in transsexual porn, and needed a nominal place to partake of your budding boy interest, perhaps looking at Ms. Laurer's massive vaginal votive will help heighten/hinder your newfound folly. Whatever the case, the inquisitiveness aspect alone should steer some people toward this title. And the bonus scenes do make this a near definite rental. But if you are looking for scorching celebrity sex, you best be peeping elsewhere. 1 Night in China rates a rather repugnant 4 out of 10 on the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, and is a lend/lease-only recommendation. If you take the Joanie/Sean circumstance separately, the rating plummets to a 2 out of 10 and the SKIP IT couldn't be loud or long enough. Couples won't care one way or another about this body-to-body boredom, so while a Cohabitation Certification is awarded, it really doesn't mean very much. Anyone hoping for some gratuitous grappling with a great deal of powerful pile driving will be sadly disappointed. Instead, 1 Night in China is more like a snooze-inducing sleeper hold.