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Teen America: Mission #3


Studio: Digital Playground » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 2/20/05



XCritic's Advice: Highly Recommended

GENRE: Straight/Gonzo Feature
DIRECTOR: Robby D
STARS: Lauren Phoenix, Sativa Rose, Rachel Rotten, Harmony, Meagan, Mark Ashley, Christian XXX, Rob Rotten, Tommy Gunn
DATES OF PRODUCTION: 2004
LENGTH: 140 mins with bonus material

Robby D must be some manner of smut savant. Equally at home in the feature film or glorified gonzo scene compilation setting, this man appears incapable of making that lamentable lame porn that fans flee. A look at his credits over the last couple of years reveals a wealth of wonderful fuck and suck: the Jack's Playground series, the Action Sports Sex films and such features as Sex in the Valley, Repo Girl, and the Hard Evidence movies. He was responsible for putting Vivid on the gonzo map (his Color Blind and Watcher films are highly regarded entries into that arena) and has often said he'd like to insert a more Mad TV meets Jackass ideal into the world of adult entertainment. Basically, he is a guy who lenses to his own different drummer, who could give a fuck about the rules, and actually hopes to redefine porn from the pussy up.

His latest creation is the Teen America movies (not to be confused with the Team America: World Police film from South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone that came out in 2004). Working in the gonzo arena again, but with a slightly softer edge, D has struck gold once more with these fabulous rig friggers. A scene compilation by any other name is totally dependent on the performers to carry it along. There is no story or scripted characterization to fall back on. Robby proves once again that he doesn't need no stinkin' saga to fuel his fun. Just give him a camera, a couple of willing wankers, and an illicit imagination like no other, and you'll get porn perfection. With this, his third Teen America mission, the series blasts off into the stratosphere. If you like your hardcore hot and sweltering, watching this DVD will be like visiting a steam room on the sun.

The DVD:
The premise of Teen Amercia: Mission #3is basically the same as the previous two installments in the series. Poor Jack (actually, the films are entitled JACK'S Teen America) has been disowned by his rich ass family. They have told him to go out and get a "fucking" job, like real people. Apparently, the profession he has chosen is as a scout for the Teen America pageant. In each film, Jack (our unseen man behind the camera) brings along a soundman and seeks out candidates to interview for the competition. After a brief Q&A, and some glamour poses and cabaret, our audio engineer takes off his headphones and his pants and pounds the horsemeat out of these beauty queen wannabes. Both the set up and execution are just that simple. Sometimes, a little storyline is tossed in to flesh out the fornication, but for the most part, these are glorified gonzo scenes given an immaculate sheen from the quality of the casting and the direction.

Indeed, the "cockumentary" concept gets tossed aside rather quickly, as does the comedy. Scene 1 is the only certifiable rib tickler, with 2 and 5 being more on the bawdy, brazen side. The Rottens themselves make sitting through Scene 3 a chaffing chore to endure, while 4 is quite fun, but without a single ounce of the silly. Anyone hoping that Jack's Teen America Mission #3 would be a lewd laugh riot from beginning to end will be very disappointed. While there is some levity injected into the situations, the interview premise is mostly a time waster until we get to the poon. But what a batch of bump and grind it is. Teen America has got to have some of the hottest cornholing this side of a Hong Kong whorehouse. The sex situations here are near nuclear in their arousal factors. It's what more or less keeps this movie from being a routine cock and cunt crapshoot. When viewed individually, we can see the premises director D employs, as well as the electricity generated by the onscreen eros. Let's being with:

Scene 1: The Plumber - Lauren Phoenix, Mark Ashley
The more and more he sees her, the more and more the Dirge is impressed with Lauren Phoenix's fucking skills. She is, without a doubt, one of the best performers in porn today, bar none. Incredibly easy on the eyes, built like a couple of skyscraping brick shithouses and possessing a true talent to take it up the tush...over and over and over again, she makes any scene she's in sizzle with a special kind of hump heat. Here, after a little fart-joke humor (since Lauren is a plumber, her ass crack is constantly showing as she works, and a supplemental shit sound is added in to make the mooning that much the merrier), she pairs up with Mark Ashley for what has to be one of the greatest sequences of red hot sex ever.

Just running through the list of acts this couple partakes in is enough to make one's dick droopingly dizzy. They start with salad tossing (him to her), then complimentary connie. Mark grabs a glass butt plug and slides it up to the hilt inside Ms. Phoenix's snatch. She accepts the crystal cock substitute and even offers some V to M when it's removed. Then our clear spear makes a beeline for the bottom, as Mark places the cork in his honey's crap crack. After a few moments of ass packing, Lauren removes the dumper dam and gives it a nice long A to M session. Mark then places his prawn deep inside Ms. P's freshly pried pooper, pile driver style, and when he's done pumping, a couple of blue plastic balls are inserted into the gaping gorge.

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As each orb enters the anus, the insertion is met with a playful cheek slap butt cheek, that is. Finally, with the spheres secure inside her, Mark fucks Lauren in the standard mish position, and then works his wang into his partner's eager mouth. Ms. Phoenix blows the Bejesus out of Mr. Ashley, deep throating his big fat boner with relish. There is a couple of minutes of 69, some vaginal doggy with the balls in place, a session of anal doggy (balls removed of course) and lots of gratuitous gaping to prove the pliability of Lauren's pucker.

And we're still not done. There's face fucking, vaginal cowgirl (with complimentary JPX action), anal reverse cowgirl, and a final money moment in the mouth, followed by oral clean up and the customary cum swallow. Indeed, this is a perfect scene: two excellent performers, several sensational sex positions and possibilities, expert direction that captures all the hardcore heaviness with passion and power and Lauren Phoenix to boot. If you're not ready to toss your trout tonic after this fiery fuck fest, there is definitely and definitively something wrong with you. Score: 10 out of 10.

Scene 2: The Pledge - Sativa Rose, Christian XXX
After the previous scene, anything would be a let down, but oddly enough, Sativa really gives it the old college try, literally and figuratively. Pretending to be a sorority pledge looking to ransack the Dean's palatial manor (apparently secondary education is paying VERY well these days), Ms. Rose takes the crew up to the administrator's bedroom, where she proceeds to paw through his B & D equipment. She tests out a ball gag, and even agrees to a little paddle play. Once Christian is ready to apply the man to the maneuvering, he immediately 'heads' to cunt country. Some fingering and salad tossing and Satty is ready to lunch on log for a while. The slow, sloppy sucking of the schlong is followed by some stunning standing 69, as Ms. R is pinned to Mr. XXX like a butterfly on a specimen board. Once the shark starts, it begins with spooning, followed by reverse cowgirl and then a little doggy. Sativa loves this prick sticking and registers her appreciation loudly and often. Girly girl is LOUD! Unable to contain his codpiece concoction any longer, Christian cums in Sativa's mouth, and she swallows the load with love.

There is only one aspect of this entire drilling diorama that keeps it from getting another perfect 10 out of 10 (and believe the Dirge, the sex is worth it). Frankly, not enough is done with the bondage gear. A paddle like the pair play around with just begs to be used on butt, even if just for a few friendly swats. The ball gag is also discarded rather quickly because, of course, how else will the talent taste tool if she's got a stopper in her craw? Had they taken a few more minutes and upped the discipline dimension, it's another palpable and passionate pie porking in director D's carnal canon. As it stands our XXX Rose-ary falls a few points short of stupendous. Score: 8.5 out of 10

Scene 3: The Cheerleader - Rachel Rotten, Rob Rotten
An obvious couple, what with their matching anti-social attitudes, unattractive piercings and prison style tats o'plenty (one senses an actress and her suitcase pimp at work here) the Rottens make a rather routine plook pairing. She is like a Goth girl's idea of heroin chic; he's a punk poser looking for a band to burn out in. When the only remotely interesting aspect of your sex scene is a few moments of fun with a riding crop, you know you're in for a strictly static XXX session. Placing his massively metaled face on Rachel equally perforated pillows, there is tit sucking and cunnilingus before we brave the blow. Our basic BJ includes a little ball sucking, but at least we get to see the tattoo trailing down Mr. R's rod (it says "poison") before our body art wearing actors are into the position parameters. They indulge in reverse cowgirl, cowgirl and mish before a mouthful of funny bone foam meets Rachel's oral reservoir. A single swallow and we're done.

Certain performers, just by the way they look, distract from the act they're committing, even if the rest of the world would find their fornication to be a grateful gonzo treat. But Mr. and Ms. Rotten live up to said last name when it comes to the bonk business. They are cheerless, robotic and not the least bit brazen about their sex. Maybe it's too much familiarity that makes their fucking so formulaic, or perhaps a tendency toward the tame derives from their mostly amateur status. Whatever the reason, they are far from fun in the dick and douche department, bringing Teen America down with it. Score: 5 out of 10

Scene 4: Sorority Girl - Harmony, Christian XXX
Proving that, just because you're as dumb as a sachet of cancelled checks doesn't mean you can't fuck like a fiend, this return to ribald form more than makes up for the previous pathetic performance. Harmony is our IQ hampered lass (sorry sweetie, but it's easy to imagine squirrel droppings outwitting you) and she can barely put two coherent SOUNDS together, let alone words. Good thing then that she's a smokin' blond with a 'come cram me' face that just screams shark. She takes on Christian (there is a little ridiculous sorority girl Greek geekness beforehand) after another session of cabaret paddle play.

Also proving he loves the lower regions just as much as the naughty Northern hemisphere's Mr. XXX takes a trip to twat and tush territory and eats the enema out of both boundaries. Harmony recapitulates with a complimentary cock sucking, and she even tosses in the ball action that she knows us guys like. After the member milking, it's tool to trim time. First up is doggy (followed by V to M), reverse cowgirl (with even more member to mouth) and standard saddle sitting. Christian applies his own personal Pledge to the paddle (pun intended) and Harmony licks it up and smears it all over her chest.

It's so nice to be back in professional pole and pussy ville, a place where the actors understand that the sex is more about the audience, and not about their clever carcass accessories. Harmony and Christian are a wonderful match, with lots of chemistry and commonality. When he is balling the brains out of his honey (which doesn't take a whole lot, remember?) she really enjoys the jousting, and the passion is apparent onscreen. This scene probably plays the best of all the entries here, since Ms. H really looks the part of a slutty sorority chick. Score: 8 out of 10

Scene 5: The R.N. - Meagan, Tommy Gunn
Catching Meagan as she leaves her job, Jack and Tommy ask for a little parked car cabaret before heading to the R.N.'s residence. Meagan agrees, and she drops trou and blou in the backseat of her vehicle as the camera rolls. Once they get to her home, Tommy is ready with his love lizard. SURPRISE! Meagan is decked out in a ball gag, manacles, and a leash. Tommy leads her around the room and up onto a chair. He proceeds to wrap the chains around Meagan's smallish tits and there is some taunting and teasing. He sucks her breasts, removes her panties and, in a very pleasingly perverted thing to do, he sniffs her shorts with glee. He then gets another snootful of her ass before moving on to dick sucking city. After his helping of head, Tommy tries out his lady's love canal. He obviously finds it to his liking as he licks it with powerful persuasion.

Corralling his cock into Meagan's mons, we witness doggy and reverse cowgirl. Mr. Gunn's groin is ready to gird, and he drops dong dumplings into Ms. M's moaning mouth. A quick trip down the game gullet and it's all over. Again, there is only one aspect to this scene that keeps it from a much higher score. We only get two positions here TWO and with someone as beefy as Tommy in control and as petite as Meagan on the receiving end, you'd expect a little more domination. What we get here is choice, some of the best balling in the entire set. But compared to the rest of the ribaldry, this sequence feels a little limited. Meagan is very open faced and legged. She seems capable of handling an additional drilling or two. Score: 8 out of 10

Once more, all props go to Robby D for remembering why we watch hardcore pornography in the first place. Sure, elegant sets and perfect performers are a plus, and no one will deny the fresh-faced facets of a good old-fashioned gonzo grind. But Jack's Teen America Mission #3 manages the near miraculous. It avoids all the terrible trappings of other first person POV fuck films to rival the work of Seymore Butts and others who champion a homemade movie ideal. Some could argue this is a straight feature director playing at a smut peddler level, but when the results are this ripping, who really gives a moldy monkey turd. For Lauren Phoenix's scene alone, this set is worth checking out. Belladonna may have the haunted ass, but Lauren's dumper is DY-NO-MITE! Almost matching her blow for blow is Sativa and Harmony, with Meagan pulling up very quickly behind them. Sadly, the Rottens wreck what could have been a flawless five for five. Some may find their Marilyn Manson mannerisms appealing, but the Dirge has long since grown out of his Alice Cooper phase for fornication. However, they barely cause this bonanza to stumble. Robby is such a refreshing director that he knows how to keep his hardcore hopping. This really is a terrific, tantalizing title.

The Video:
In a word: Excellent! The movie looks marvelous in a crisp, clean 1.66:1 anamorphic widescreen format. Robby understands the value of proper visual vitality to sell a sex film and even with a mostly handheld camcorder conceit, he makes sure that every angle is well lit, and even the most moody moments are filled with expertly framed figures. This direct to digital transfer is free from flaring and halos and everyone looks natural. You can occasionally see some shakiness in the camera work, but overall, this is a wonderful visual treat.

The Audio:
Again, Robby does something different, mixing in the sounds of sex with interesting, suggestive music to make his movie's mood work well. Sometimes, we miss the wall-to-wall ball busting noises, but our auteur understands when to leave in a good set of butt smacks. But again, he is experimenting with the medium, trying to test its limits. And the Dolby Digital 5.1 Stereo Surround, while not complex or channel challenging, is superb. It gives us occasional moments of immersion, but mostly, it handles the dialogue and the score admirably.

The Extras:
Another sad situation hampering higher consideration for this title is the complete lack of any tangible bonus features. Oh sure, there is a huge selection of trailers and a gallery that can either be paged through or seen as a slide show. Still, some behind the scenes material or some additional footage (outtakes, bloopers, bonus scene) would have been nice. While it may not be proper to imply it, porn purchasers like lots of merchandising bang for the well-spent buck. Digital Playground and the Jack's Teen America series needs to step up the supplemental material, pronto.

Final Thoughts:
Why not repeat for a third of fourth time what we already know Jack's Teen America Mission #3 is marvelous, a truly tantalizing slice of skin and sin. On that most daunting of determining indicators, the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, this amazing movie earns a whopping 8 out of 10 and is very highly HIGHLY recommended. Indeed, thanks to the muddled middle moment, and a lack of viable extras, Jack's latest offering just misses the highly vaunted DVD Talk Collector's Series. Couples will find plenty to polish up their own home histrionics, therefore a Cohabitation Certification is easily and gladly awarded. As long as Robby D is making adult titles, there will always be some pretty powerful porn for consumer consumption. Jack's Teen America Mission #3 is one of the best XXX offerings of 2005!





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