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No, No Briana

Studio: Vivid » Review by Colonel Mustard » Review Date: 5/11/05

XCritic's Advice: Watch It Online

Genre: Feature

Director: Chuck Lords

Cast: Briana Banks, Jamie Brooks, Kelly Kline, Samantha Ryan, Naudia Nyce, Joel Lawrence, Tommy Gunn & Evan Stone.

Length: One Hour 45 minutes without extras

Audio/Video:This feature was up to Vivid's high standards of production. There were no annoyances as far as the technical portions of the sound and video were concerned.

Extras:The Extras in this film were rather in depth. The DVD starts with tons of spam for Vivid's various enterprises, such as 1900 numbers, herbal penis enhancers and designer fake vaginas. I can't imagine the target audience for fake designer vaginas. There are scene selections, a positions selection room, trailers for some of Vivid's upcoming releases, photo galleries and a twenty minute behind the scenes from the movie. The behind the scenes featurette was entertaining if you really like Briana. If you like intelligent thought, however, please skip or at least turn down the volume. There are also five bonus scenes, three of which star Briana Banks (see below).

Body of Review: The story of this DVD surrounds a large cocked European Porn Star working in the United States, played by Evan Stone. This certain Porn star is known to be very rough and disrespectful with the female talent. This film shows what happens when you're too rough with the wrong woman. If this portrayal doesn't bear striking resemblance in one's mind, to a recent incident involving Janine & Rocco, you're not paying attention. This DVD feels as though this was an attempt to take a shot at one of the most famous of European male talent, by portraying the male lead as an abusive, egotistical Neanderthal. This feud could be the start of a great trend in adult entertainment. It worked well for sales in the music industry when hip hop artists attacked one another on CD. This Latex covered, lightly-veiled attack, features very rough sex, especially by Vivid standards, along with some three on one, two on one and one on one sex.

Scene 1: Naudia Nyce and Evan Stone

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Evan Stone and his girlfriend seem to be fighting. The girl isn't a very attractive brunette and is wearing a dancer's outfit. Evan abuses with a barrage of insults, makes her dance butt naked on the bar, smacking her tits and ass in a manner that would be considered by most to be anything but playful. He pushes her around and throws her to the ground, pushes her head into an oven before forcing his cock down her throat. He finds a vibrator, gets angrier, and jams it up her ass, before having his way with her, Rocco style. This scene was a total turnoff, and generally I enjoy some rough sex, but this was too much for me, and worse off, it didn't look like his "girlfriend" liked it at all. There was some nice cowgirl and doggy anal, but the rough stuff really ruined the entire shot. The scene ended with a facial and Evan immediately leaving the room, calling her a whore.

Scene 2: Briana Banks, Jamie Brooks

Evan's day job is actually a porn star and he's on the set with a threesome staring Briana Banks. Evan is working as a consultant. The sex is nice, but occasionally the insane character played by Evan is slapping the girls asses before being pulled out of the scene by the director. There is some great double blowjob action by Briana and her raven-haired partner in crime. The safe sex is not bad, if not being interrupted by Evan coming by to choke one of the girls, totally ruining the flow of the scene. The brunette is cute, in a trashy short of way, but is obviously there to not detract from the star. Once again, not a great scene.

Scene 3: Briana Banks & Evan Stone

It's Briana's turn to take Evan's wrath on the next shot and things are progressing in a manner that gets rougher and rougher. The director pulls Even away to keep his style under control. There is something really unappealing to hear a girl say 'no' during sex, and the male performer keep pressing the envelope, even if it's on a porn set. There is a another shot at Rocco showing Evan attempting to nail Briana sans condom, a strict violation of Vivid policy. The sex then gets reasonably normal, which is a good thing, considering the alternative. Briana actually slaps Evan across the face hard, before taking nut juice on her mug. Once the rough stuff started took consensual, it was entertaining, but still hard to get over the 'no' thing.

Scene 4:Briana Banks

Evan is totally out of control after this scene, grabbing is assistant and several other staffers on the set, pulling down their pants and licking their bums while they attempt to pull away. In the mean time, Briana is hurting after her scene with Evan and takes solace is the arms of the director. I think we all know where this is heading next. There is nothing like sex to sooth the sex pains. We see some great oral attention by both actors followed by some scenic reverse cowgirl. The meat was left in the wrapper, but was removed in time to plant his seed on her chin. This is the best scene of the entire film, and more importantly, looked as though it was enjoyed by both participants.

Scene 5:Samantha Ryan

Evan gets cleaned up for his black eye administered by Briana. He then sexually assaults his assistant once again before leaving the room. So we don't think charges should be filed, the young little girl jumps on a chair and beings taking care of business personally with a little finger bang bang. Quick solo scene that can hardly be called a scene.

Scene 6:Naudia Nyce, Samantha Ryan and Kelly Kline

Evan is reviewing three models dressed in school attire to be stars in the next film. They all jump his bones before dragging him on pool table so two of the girls can hand out bjs while the third contestant sits on Evans face. In order to keep the judging impartial, the three girls rotate. There is some really hot oral action here. The girls then take advantage of Evan's giant cock and line up to get railed. They have a little vibrating fluffing device while they're waiting. One brave young girl even takes it rectally, while the other two work on finding each other's beans with their tongues. The three que up in a row to share the facial. In one of porno's great plot twists, this scene turned out to be a not very elaborate trap for the villain, as Evan is tied to the pool table and then suffocated by asses, spit on, his face sat on, and threatened to have is manhood removed surgically by Briana and his girlfriend from the frist scene. The Karmic restitution, made this scene enjoyable.

Bonus Scenes: Briana Banks, Talon, Mason Rivers, Eric Masterson, Blair, Dillion Day, Monica Mayhem & Bobby Vitale

Five Scenes, three with Briana Banks from her titles such as "The Dark Side of Briana", "Happily Never After" and "Ring me up". To be honest, these were much better than most of what you saw on the feature, if you're a Briana fan. She gets sucks and fucked like a seasoned porn vet. All the guys wore rubbers, but thankfully pulled them off before administering semen shots on her chest and face. There was also a scene from "Prisoner" with Blair, who looks a little rougher than your typical Vivid talent. The final bonus was a scene with Monica Mayham from "The Watcher 17" where Monica displays some great oral skills, takes the dick and gets a face full of liquid love as payment for a job well done.

Summary: Rent this DVD for only two reasons. One, is to witness an obvious attempt to assissinate Rocco's character. Let's hope this is the start of a nice feud between the Vivid girls and Rocco that doesn't escalate to Tupac & Notorious B.I.G. levels. The second reason is Briana Banks. She's a spirited lovely actress deserving of box covers and is featured throughout the DVD, including extras. The reasons why you should not rent this DVD is because a large portion of the scenes felt like assault, abuse and attempted date rape towards the female leads, which is about as appealing to me as slamming one's genetalia in a car door.


Colonel Mustard

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