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Art of Sex, The

Studio: Damaged Productions » Review by Colonel Mustard » Review Date: 6/7/05

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Genre: Plot driven Foreign film

Cast: Tavalia Griffin, Alba Del Monte, Sophie Evans, Chaina, Max Cortes, Nacho Vidal, Rhama Tulay, Toni Ribas, Maria Falcon, Sara Bernat, Narc Vgan Dame & Kenny

Length: One Hour 38 Minutes without Extras.

Audio/Video: The menus shots on this DVD are in crystal clear color, with vivid extras. The video footage of this film, however, was very granular, and felt as though the DVD was transferred from a VHS cassette that spent the past several years in a damp basement. The video was very low grade in comparison to new films shot in digital quality. The Audio was just as perplexing on this DVD as the video. As this film is shot in Spanish (in Barcelona), the English dubbing volume was all over the board. The music was just as interesting with some scenes going from hard guitar riffs to dead silence over the course of a singel sex scene.

Extras: This DVD is very basic from an extras point of view. There were clips of the 'money shots' from the different scenes and a photo book, along with some trailers from Damaged Productions for new releases and a screen that posts Damage's address and website. There is also a photo-book from the DVD. This looks as though it was a re-release from Europe, from the late 1990s, and the production was not taking into account 'DVD extras' when filming the movie. These looked as though they were pieced together.

Body of Review: Despite the title, this DVD centers on the plight of a young women forced into the throngs in the world of espionage. Nakita, our heroine transfers herself as a car washer at a used car lot to an assassin. This DVD rates at a 15 out of 10 on the unintentional comedy scale. This obviously dated film has some of the best (worst) porno lines ever known shown, and the fact that that they were dubbed over in English make it even more hilarious. Even on the cover the subtitle of "Cum on our faces, not on our guns" makes me want to double over in laughter. There were also six sex scenes of varying quality, featuring two on one action, two on two and one on one love.

Scene 1:Alba Del Monte, ???

-- sponsored by --

Nakita is washing a car, when a couple of women dressed as super whores enter the car wash. They are wearing huge heels and ultra sequined mini skirts, which you find a lot in used car lots. They inquire about whom they should talk to about buying a car and Nikita refers them to her boss, who's working inside a trailer. Both ladies have cute ethnic appearances to go with their ultimate in slut-wear. The boss, wearing a bright orange jumpsuit offers the woman a car, but they have to get the keys first, and drops them down his jumpsuit and instructs them that they must play with one another first. After the two sluts make-out, rub each other and perform a little labia lapping on one another, they are instructed to service the boss. After a very brief half hearted blow job attempt, the boss has his way with both of the super sluts, including some nice looking anal shots. Unfortunately, this scene moves to Nakita outside of the trailer, who's being accosted by a member of the local mafia outfit. She's forced onto the hood a car at knifepoint. The attacker drops the knife to whip out his 'other' penetration device and Nikita stabs him to death. We then cut to a double facial occurring in the trailer. This wouldn't have been a bad scene, if not for the cut in the action. The rhythm was totally off with the cutting.

Scene 2: Chaina & Maria Falcon

Nakita flees the scene and a cop is sent to investigate the homicide at the used car lot. After deciding that he needs to find Nakita to solve this case, he let's the boss know that his gun makes him very horny. I wish I were making this up. I became very afraid that his was going to slip into some male on male action. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Thankfully, the policeman takes his wrath out on a pair of hookers nearby. He gets a blowjob from one hooker in his car and asks another hooker if she would join. The blowjob in the car, wasn't that good due to the angle. The threesome moves outside and he bends one girl over the hood for some rough doggy style. He nails both doggy style and anally before spewing his little white policemen all over the two awaiting faces. He then tells them both to 'fuck off'. Not a very well shot scene and very quick.

Scene 3: Tavalia Griffin

The policeman goes out to a rock club to blow off some steam, and runs into Nakita and hauls her off to jail. While in custody, she's given the opportunity of a lifetime. If she completes four tasks for the government, she will be set free. She agrees and goes on an in depth training session with two other women. I was shocked that this didn't turn out to be a hardcore veggie fest. Nakita's first mission is to kill a gun dealer, who's using a music store as a front for his operation. She claims to be in the market for a musical instrument to play. Unfortunately, she didn't say she was interested in playing the 'skin flute'. She did end up blowing the gun dealer and showing off her beautiful body. After very quick oral by both, they moved into doggy style and reverse cowgirl including anal. After spraying Nakita with his organ cleaner all over her chest, he went to the other room. This gave Nakita her chance to inspect his inventory, and finds a gun. She's discovered and confronted with a gun. Nakita asks for a kiss, instead, jams a pistol into his agape mouth and blows off the back of his head. This was an entertaining scene, sexually, but the music was very bizarre. As mentioned before it went from loud rock music to no additional sound whatsoever. I have to say that I was a bit shocked to see the blood spatter against the wall. Hot girl, scene could have been much better.

Scene 4: Maria Falcon

Nakita's next target is a sex addict computer hacker who has valuable information. She chases him down on his motorcycle in her Porsche 911, before he runs into an office. She catches him in the elevator. After recovering the information, Nakita informs him that he's to be killed. His last request is to get laid by Nakita's "partner' in the operation. The partner is a skinny dark haired woman with a tight body. She gobbles on his manhood and gets railed, including some fun spoon style anal action. The computer geek throws his man-bytes all over the professional's face. The programmer gets dressed, leaving his 'cock' out of his pants. Nakita, being a woman of her word, says that he bet on his dick and lost. She then fires a shot into his dick. Literally, his (fake) member blows up. If that doesn't remove the blood from one's woody, I don't know what will. The scene itself wasn't very entertaining, and I have to admit I was a bit shocked once again to watch a man's penis take a bullet.

Scene 5: Tavalia Griffin

Nakita and the Policeman who busted her on collaborate on the next sting operation. Nakita is offered up to the mark by the cop as a gift. After some great tease action, Nakita starts blowing the mark and gets railed missionary style on the couch. The cop needs a taste, and whips out his billy club to participate in the fray. The threesome moves to the floor where Nakita takes a double penetration from the two gentlemen. In the middle of the scene, the cop gets a phone call, and is forced to leave, being the gracious hostess that she is, she blows the police man until he fires gooey warning shots all over her mug. Forced into sloppy second, a few minutes and less than 10 pumps later in missionary the mark fires his man mayo over Nakita's stomach and tits. She then grabs a pillow and fires a shot through the pillow fulfilling task number three. This is the best scene, but still not that great at all.

Scene 6: Sophia Evans & Sara Bernat

The mayor's daughter has been kidnapped by a perverse group of individuals how are hiding out in a junkyard. Nakita leads a team to retrieve the mayor's daughter. In the mean time, we cut to see the mayor's blond and young looking daughter in schoolgirl attire brought in before the felons, consisting of two men and a woman. She claims she's a virgin. One of the members of the gang says there is only one way to be certain. I guess the way you test this is to eat out her ass. I never knew that before. After the analingus, the foursome starts with every piece of genitilia getting fucked or sucked like the law was coming. If the mayor's daughter were a virgin, this would be a hell of a way to have your first encounter. In fact, the law is coming, and we see a gun battle ensuing in the junkyard, including a graphic shot of Nakita slitting the throat of an evil henchman. Back to the sex, the scene includes the female felon taking it in the tailpipe and both girls receive facials before Nakita bursts in, shooting the two males and arresting the female captors. One of the male's final words were "Thar she blows" before spewing his seed. The scene was reasonable, but the captor wasn't even slightly attractive, and once again left a lot to be desired.

Summary: This DVD should be purchased for comedy purposes only. This is a dated adult DVD from the mid 1990s from the other side of the pond. The video and audio look to be a half assed restoration attempt on a movie that wasn't very good in the first place. Nakita is a stunning model and the rest of the actor and actresses are reasonable, but this DVD doesn't measure up today's standards at all. Skip this DVD for sex, Rent for unintentional comedy.


Colonel Mustard

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