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Big Sausage Pizza #4

Studio: Spice Studios » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 8/11/05

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Genre: Straight Feature
Director: Antonio Rey, Alicia Silver
Cast:: Kara Max, Nicole Brazzle, Laura Monroe, Luccia, Heather Pink, Desiree, Seth Dickens, Brad Baldwin, Burke, Kris Slater, Matt Bixel, Tommy
Length: 153 mins
Production Date: July 1, 2005

In a Nutshell - Your Typical Poorly Lit Amateur Porn Film
Someone in the Cinema Play stable really wants us to believe that this is a 'camcorder while cruising' style title, a true life 'sex in the line of service' peek behind the scenes of life as a delivery boy. Otherwise, how can you justify the horrid visual variables here. The colors are crappy, the scenes are often too dark and the angles uncomfortably arcane. Directors Antonio Rey and Alicia Silver just don't understand the nature of nookie. You've got to let people SEE the pornography in order for it to have any effect on them. From the sonic side, there is nothing to discuss. It's basic Dolby Digital Stereo with forgettable music dropping in and out of the mix whenever the door-to-door dynamic arrives.

In a Nutshell - A Striptease and a Trailer - SNORE!!!
Nothing here worth writing home about - or spending money on a DVD for. Some gal gives us a six minute bump and grind, and we see more of the Big Sausage Pizza shenanigans in a preview of the second title in the series. How unexciting.

First Impressions:
The Dirge hates fake amateur. There is nothing more arousal removing than trying to turn obvious porn stars into clueless participants in some homemade hardcore. The truth is always evident. These supposed 'laypeople' have all the traditional adult industry moves down pat, they take gigantic cock up their ass like Belladonna on her birthday, and never once think of calling the police when some stranger shows up at the door dangling his half-stiff sausage in their face. If the ruse were polished so the acting matched the antics, we might be able to buy into the idea. But something like Big Sausage Pizza 4 doesn't even try. It uses the delivery boy fantasy - kind of - to give us six scenes of sex. Aside from the revolting sight of a dirty dick sticking out of cold, coagulated pizza pie (guaranteed to make you never want Dominoes again) the overall tone here is creepy and an insult to your intelligence. True, it's porn, but not all adult entertainment has to stoop to such low levels to offer up something exciting.

The Sex:
The first five scenes are all the same: some nimrods from the Big Sausage Pizza company show up at a house, paltry pies in hand. They invite themselves in, explain the camera away as some manner of corporate requirement to better customer service, and then begin to beg and eventually ball the clientele. The ladies seem nonplused by the notion of a pizza with a hole cut in the middle and chow down on crotch kielbasa with gross glee. Eventually, the subterfuge is sidelined so that the real porking can begin. Only Scene 6 is different. Indeed, it is probably best to look at all the sequences separately to see if there is anything at all worth enjoying. Let's begin with:

Scene 1:Kara Max, Two Dudes, The Cameraman
Acts Performed:Multiple Blow Jobs, Reverse Cowgirl, Anal Cowgirl, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, Face Fucking, Attempted DP in the Cowgirl Position, Pile Driver, $hots in Mouth and On Face and Stomach
Score: 1 out of 5

-- sponsored by --

Everything that is wrong with Big Sausage Pizza 4 is painfully obvious in this scene. First off, Kara is a hag in the most literal interpretation of the word - she appears haggard. Worse than that, she thinks that non-stop chatter during the sex act is actually entertaining (so do her mindless meat puppet co-stars, unfortunately). To make matters even more unbearable, the banter is a combination of porn and pizza, with every action, every position given an Italian foodstuff foundation. It grows annoying very quickly. But perhaps the most hideous element here is the actual fuck and suck. Uninspired, with lots of taffy and tunnel issues (Ms. Max is obviously limited in the amount of man she can handle) we get a ridiculous ersatz amateur set-up that only leads to aggravation, not arousal.

Scene 2: Nicole Brazzle, Two Dudes
Acts Performed:Multiple Blow Jobs, Reverse Cowgirl, Doggy, Mish, Ball Action, Pile Driver, Cowgirl, Standing Cowgirl, $hot on Face and Chest
Score: 1 out of 5
Even in a one on one setting, this hopeless helping of hardcore tests your patience. Nicole is supposedly a right Southern Belle, but her horrible fake accent is enough to drive you to drink - except it will be cyanide, not mint juleps, in your tall tumbler. The same limp noodle facets are apparent yet again, and Ms. Brazzle appears as committed to some of the acts as she was/is in getting that Texarkana twang down. With attention waning and our tool talent less than UP for the challenge, we find ourselves anxious for the eventual release. Unfortunately, ball broth is not any of these dudes' strong point. The minimal amount that dribbles out is matched only by the poor quality of the overall presentation.

Scene 3: Laura Monroe, Two Dudes
Acts Performed:Multiple Blow Jobs, Doggy, Mish, Spooning, Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl, Pile Driver, $hot on Floor and Face
Score: 1 out of 5
At this point, everything in Big Sausage Pizza 4 grows tedious. The porking is non-involving and forced, the gals look like hand-me-downs from a sexual Salvation Army and the entire 'pizza' premise is as old and tired as the actual pies being used (talk about unappetizing). Proving yet again that professional performers make the best adult entertainment, the participants in this pathetic display just go about the dimwitted domination, bending and twisting Ms. Monroe in all manner of unappealing ways. This is a flaccid male fantasyland, a place where gals take whatever you got, no matter how limp or haplessly hamfisted.

Scene 4: Luccia, Two Dudes, The Cameraman
Acts Performed:Cabaret, Multiple Blow Jobs, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, V to M, Doggy, Mish, Face Fucking, Hand Job, Butter Churning, $hots on Face
Score: 2 out of 5
If anyone needed proof that it's the performers that control the carnality of pornography they need look no further than Luccia. There is really nothing different about this scene than any other in the set. The pathetic pizza premise is still present, the guys are like wet parchment in the penis department, and the action is chaotic, crude and about as exciting as an inflamed hemorrhoid. And yet thanks to Luccia's willingness to 'enjoy' what is going on, to pretend like this sex actually excites her, we get some of the sensation of Eros this DVD promised. Though she NEVER shuts up (she even talks with a dick in her mouth AND up her snatch) she still sells us on the sexuality. And since few of the females do that in Big Sausage Pizza 4 , it makes this sequence a standout - and that's not saying much.

Scene 5: Heather Pink, One Dude
Acts Performed: Blow Job, Cunnilingus, Fingering, Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl, Anal Fingering, Anal Doggy, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, Anal Scissors, $hot on Face
Score: 2 out of 5
Heather is a rather unattractive girl with a very bad boob job and some features that would fracture the space/time continuum. Still, she takes on her delivery dork with a great deal of relish. There is lots of anal here, which is a good thing. There is also a lot of crappy camera work, which is a bad thing. The couple doesn't converse too much during the deed, which is a good thing. The close-ups and lack of chemistry make the sex seem sterile, which is a bad thing. Eventually, the negatives outweigh the positives in such a way that we don't care if we ever see a pop. We just want the entire DVD to hurry up and end.

Scene 6: Desiree, Tommy
Acts Performed: Blow Job, Cunnilingus, Fingering, V to M, Tit Fucking, Mish, Doggy, Scissors, Butter Churning, Cowgirl, Tit Fucking $hot on Chest
Score: 2.5 out of 5
Coming as it does at the end of the title, you'd think the final sequence here would be too much of the same old thing. But like a moment lifted out of another movie (the entire set-up is completely different) we are treated to an actual scene, something that feels scripted and shot to maximize the erotic, not the erratic. Our dude is still delivering pizza, but there is none of the "big sausage/ camera for training video" nonsense that goes along with it. Desiree sees dick and digs right in. The passion between the performers is palpable, and the final few minutes find Tommy banging Ms. D mercilessly. If this entire title had been handled in the same manner, we'd have a real winner on our hands. Instead, this is a highlight on an otherwise humdrum offering.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 1.5 out of 5 (Skip It/Rent It)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted
If you are a fan of the series, or like titles that 'pretend' to be 'caught in the act' amateur experiences, you'll probably enjoy Big Sausage Pizza 4 . The women aren't the most attractive, and the men are only marginally better, but the 'let's make a movie' mentality may actually do something for you. On the other hand, this is a pretty pathetic presentation. Couples won't care, since there's nothing offensive here - at least from a position standpoint. The guys will grate on your nerves, the ladies are lousy lays, and the overall atmosphere is one of humiliation and joylessness. As far as the Dirge is concerned, you should never order anything from these putzes. Based on the product they put out, all Big Sausage Pizza probably sucks - and not in the proper adult entertainment manner.

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