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Cabaret Bizarre

Studio: Evil Angel » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 10/19/05

XCritic's Advice: Recommended

Genre: Fetish Feature
Director: Tanya Hyde
Cast:: Alicia Rhodes, Donna Marie, Jane Darling, Kiera, Sandra De Marco, Sarah Nice, Filthy Phil, Ian Tate, Mick Blue, Steve Hooper, Tony Di Sergio
Length: 139 mins
Production Date: 2004

In a Nutshell - Jittery, Jumpy and Downright Dreadful
It is hard to say what Ms. Hyde was striving for in this dark, overly modulated mess of an optical presentation. The video flares and bleeds, the image is muddled and fuzzy. Presented in a NON-anamorphic letterboxed presentation, the fake widescreen (close to 1.66:1) is pretty pointless. When we get to the sex, the colors are so overcranked that we can clearly see the bright blue veins of the actors and actresses beneath their faux fleshtoned skin. Smoke occasional wipes out some contrasts, and there are a couple of occasions where this odd visual aesthetic actually works. But overall, the transfer is pretty terrible. On the audio side, there is nothing special to discuss. It is neither the worst aural presentation nor the best. We can hear grunts, groans and music and for lovers of sex, that's all that matters.

In a Nutshell - Who Wants an Anal Shower???
Talk about your odd added features. Along with some trailers, and a decent making-of (mostly music with lots of shots of setups and girls getting into costume and makeup) there is a bonus scene that will literally blow your mind - followed very closely by your lunch. A young lady sticks a huge funnel up her ass as a masked man slowly fills the opening with hot soapy water. For several minutes we see him systematically add liquid to the buttcrack conduit, and soon, the gal seems ready to do...something. What she does is remove the guide and give the entire set a sphincter sprinkler job. As a steady stream of water whooshes out of her pleasure pipe, we witness the entire spray in full screen freakiness. O-kay.

First Impressions:
Fetish can be a very tricky thing for a straight porn feature to flop around in. Most people avoid the genre specific adult entertainment because they are afraid of being insulted or offended by the visuals or vices offered. Indeed, fetish is something unusual because not ALL people are into it. It is, by definition, insular and divisive, separating people at their most basic sexual level. Thankfully, Cabaret Bizarre is more freak show than gratuity gross out. It's like The Jim Rose Circus of porn and plays like a bad day on the midway. Our hokey host introduces each act and then offers up his own human oddity abilities (he can lift weights with his nipples and pass a corkscrew through his nose). Each "performance" is accompanied by applause and cheers and each segue is another bit of shtick from our miscreant MC. There is a wonderful visual style at work here - when we can see it (the technical quality of the image is awful at best) with several scenes selling their seediness before we even get to the XXX-citement. For imagination and innovation, this is a decent title. For other attributes - like direct fetish facets - its sorely lacking.

The Sex Scenes:
Here's the caveat to all this carnality. Unlike other films which feature their performers panting and puffing away while the action is going on, we get an irritating narrator who tosses in her completely corny carnal color commentary ("look at her enjoy his stiff...hard...coooock..." Sheesh!). She yaks nonstop through most of the scenes, adding nothing to the overall sense of sexuality or erotica. Thankfully, the sequences themselves are very imaginative and evocative, and create a kind of sleazy exhilaration that makes the disc an overall arousing affair.

Scene 1: Gentleman Jim the Perverted Puppeteer and his Miscreant Marionette and Donna the Dicking Dummy (2 Girls and 1 Guy)
Setting: A Theatrical Stage Setting
Acts Performed: Cabaret, Fingering, Gaping, Salad Tossing, Blow Job, Face Fucking, Ass Slapping, Mish, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, Anal Fingering, Vinyl Bear Dildo Fucking, Ball Sucking, Doggy, 69, Strap-On Action, Strap-On Cowgirl, Strap-On DP in the Cowgirl Position, $hot on Ass and in Mouth
Score: 3.5 out of 5

-- sponsored by --

Let's toss aside all the lewd Muppet jokes right here and now. There is nothing remotely realistic about this so called puppet show. Our marionette is a gal dressed up in an anime-inspired leather peek-a-boo outfit, while our ventriloquist's dummy is wearing the latest designs by the Marquis de Sade and sports a few make-up creases along her smile lines. Both girls are rather restricted in what they can and cannot do (this will be the case throughout most of Cabaret Bizarre) so its up to the man to take control of the copulation. Luckily, Gentleman Jim proves the polar opposite of his name as he takes these gals to sex school. The fuck and suck is very hot and horny and will definitely stiffen your risqué resolve. The only downside is the voice over material. It detracts from the action and is unnecessary for our erotic enjoyment.

Scene 2: Emergency Ward Kink (2 Girls and 1 Guy, plus Guy and Girl))
Setting: An Odd ER with Lots of Weird Equipment
Acts Performed: Rubber Action, Gas Mask Action, Penis Pump Play, Blow Job, Ball Action, Face Sitting, Salad Tossing, Doggy, Alternating V to M, Mish, Fingering, Anal Doggy with Toy, Toy A to M, Anal Mish with Toy, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, DP in the Cowgirl Position, $hot on Faces, $hot on Tits with Fucking and Oral Clean-up
Score: 3.5 out of 5
In one of the best scenes in the set, a guy gets manhandled by a couple of nurses wearing provocation rubber gear and crotchless rubber panties. The glisten of the slick second skin really amplifies the arousal, and the atmosphere of dread mixed with sex is really excellent. The scene gets a little out of hand sometimes, with too much focus on the falderal and not enough on the actual fucking, but we still end up with a smoking sizzler. Unfortunately, a flaw rears its ugly head during this sequence and it will come to color all the rest of the scenes as well. Director Hyde overstays her welcome, keeping with carnality and copulation long after we've gotten the gratuitous point. Close-ups are fine and so is a little ambiance, but to simply hold on a shot for a couple of minutes to mine some minor enjoyment is not good XXX filmmaking. It doesn't create passion, just passivity.

Scene 3: Madam Pudenda and Her Performing Pups (1 Girl and 3 Guys)
Setting: An Abandoned Swimming Pool Painted to Look Like a Dark Dungeon
Acts Performed: Bondage, Discipline, Riding Crop Play, Blow Job, Nut Smacking, Cunnilingus, Face Sitting, Salad Tossing, Forced Heel Sucking, Teeth Job, Hand Job, Nipple Play, Group BJ, Face Fucking, Vibrator Fucking, Multiple Dildo Action. Anal Gaping, Sex Swing Action, Multiple Anal Fingering, Mish, Anal Pile Driver, $hot from Hand Job, $hot on Ass and in Mouth
Score: 3 out of 5
This scene starts out sensational. As she walks along the edge of an abandoned pool painted all in black, Ms. P see several men in dog masks tied up and waiting for "discipline". The Madam delivers with a rigid riding crop across the nuts. She also places the device between her legs, letting the "dogs" lick up the joy juices encrusted thereon. As the scene progresses the sex starts to fire up, that age old problem that accompanies every group grope occurs. What started out as hot and heavy turns hectic and chaotic. The use of toys, the appearance of multiple cocks and the sudden submission nature of our leather-clad lass lessens the impact of the proceedings. Still, this is an electrifying bit of balling, something that Cabaret Bizarre will have a hard time following in future vignettes.

Scene 4: The Freak (1 Guy)
Setting: The Stage
Acts Performed: Rubber Action, Cabaret
Score: 0 out of 5
Guy dressed in a tux. Guy takes off tux. Guy is in a goofy body suit covered in scales. Guy has no genitalia to speak of. Shock! Horror! Bullshit.! This is just a joking insert sequence, nothing more or less - kind of like the material we will see later on when the MC does his multiple piercing thang. It does keep the aura of performance prevalent in the viewers mind, but we keep waiting for more to happen than a dickless dude getting undressed.

Scene 5: Cocky the Clown and His Pony Girls (2 Girls and 3 Men)
Setting: A Sort of Circus
Acts Performed: Lesbianism, Gal on Gal Groping, Clown Cunnilingus, Caged Girls, Blow Jobs, Double Ended Dildo Action, Doggy with Oral and Heel Sucking, Anal Bead Toy, Mish in Harness, Doggy, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, $hot in Mouth and on Ass
Score: 2.5 out of 5
Clowns are just plain evil - and even if you don't believe that, there is a distinct level of creepiness to be found when a harlequin goes hardcore. Thankfully, Cocky does minimal XXX tricks while dressed in his erotic Emmett Kelly costume, but there is still a couple of seconds of jester sex that is really weird. The dildo on a stick concept works well, as does the use of several distinct toys (the bead bit and the double ended dong do fine work here). Overall, the scene is good, but a little basic. There seems to be lots of cabaret and purposeful playfulness, but once we get to the actual action, the positions are direct and indistinct. Toward the end we feel like we've sat through a real live circus act, one where the promise of a performance of a lifetime ends up being a little bit of an over hyped letdown.

Scene 6: Penny the Pole Dancer and Her Perfect Pussy (1 Girl and 1 Guy)
Setting: Pole in a Strip Club
Acts Performed: Stripping, Gemstone Butt Plug Action, Blow Job, Anal Doggy Pile Driver, A to M, Mish, Anal Mish (No Pop)
Score: 2 out of 5
It's interesting how anticlimactic a scene between one girl and one guy can be on a DVD like this. Penny is not the prettiest looking gal, and her partner is only interested in looking cool in his leather chaps (does that make him a REAL cowboy???) and hat. The stripper stuff is interesting (Penny seems real comfortable on that pole) and the gemstone butt plug is a nice touch. But the visuals let us down again as a very grainy and blurry bit of cinematography captures the carnality. And without a pop, the scene seems rather pointless. It isn't until we see the Marlboro Man back for Scene 7 that we understand he is saving up the guy goo for a real money moment extravaganza.

Scene 7: Mistress Pink and Orgasmo, The Fucking Machine (1 Girl and 2 Guys)
Setting: A Couch in Front of a Large Machine
Acts Performed: Robotic Fucking with Machine and Dildo, Robotic Mish, Robotic Anal Doggy, Blow Job, Mish, Reverse Cowgirl, $hot in Mouth - Switch Back to Scene 6 Setup - DP in the Cowgirl Position, $hot on Ass
Score: 2 out of 5
Seeing a pornstar literally fucked by a machine is really hilarious. Mistress Pink puts up with it for longer than we even think she would or could. You can just tell she is thinking about the number of robotic men who could have filled the meat puppet shoes - and her stretched out poon - in a lot more personal approach. Still, when the guys arrive (including our lone cowhand from the Rio Grande) the scene does pick up significantly. The DP is interesting, if not very engaging and the overall feeling is less fetish and more flaccid. It appears that by this time in the show, instead of a creative climax, we get a limp dick bit of drowsiness.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2.5 out of 5 (Recommended)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted
While the movie goes from wild to underwhelming in the span of its 2 hour plus running time, there is still much that can be enjoyed during this visit to the corporeal Cabaret. Hyde has a nice style - when we can see and appreciate it - and a few of the scenes understand how to push the envelope of acceptability without crossing over into crassness. Still, the MC/freak aspects are awkward, and the technical failures really kill the erotica. While some may wonder what all the fetish foolishness is about, others will throw off their inhibitions and dive right in. They will be rewarded with a nice bit of nookie. The rest of us will have to wonder what this film would have looked like if recorded and remastered properly. What's here is interesting. Too bad the presentation is so pathetic.

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