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Lady Of The Rings

Studio: Private » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 11/16/05

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Lady of the Rings (Private Movies #21)


Genre: Feature

Director: Frank Thring

Cast: Tia, Christin, Ricardo Bell, Clark, Alex, Johanna, Lara Stevens, Lauro De Giotto, Saana, Kevin Solo, George Uhl, Chuck Lords, Liliane Tiger, Valentina Velasquez, Jay Lassiter, Sylvia Saint, Simony Diamond, Gina B.
Non-sex roles by Frank Thring, Hoyni, Andie, Peter, others uncredited

Length: 100.5 minutes

Date of Production: 2/15/2005

Extra's: The best extra was the 13.5 minute long Behind the Scenes look at the making of the movie. Director Frank Thring started it off by offering the movie as an homage to the mainstream hit with a "completely different slant on the whole thing". There were a number of trailers, limited profiles of the gals, 2 photogalleries, some limited production notes, and a double sided DVD cover.

Condoms: None

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Audio/Video Quality: Lady of the Rings was presented in the same 1.33:1 ratio full frame color it was shot in by director Frank Thring for distribution by Private. The lighting was a cut above his usual work and that meant lower levels of grain and video noise. The composition of the shots was not always favorable to the gals but several of them could be captured in burlap sacks on a dark night with no lighting and still look great. The audio was presented in 2.0 Dolby Digital with English as the default language but several other choices available as dubbed tracks. That English wasn't the language of choice for the cast in most cases was evident early on, with the exception of Frank Thring and maybe one other. The music was pleasing and fitting for the show with the vocals showing no discernable separation or significant dynamic range.

Body of Review: Porn parodies or takeoffs of major hits have been made since the very beginning of the industry's awareness that even a terrible movie sporting a similar name would sell far beyond the usual titles on the shelves. A brief look at the history of porn supports this contention and that's why Private's recent release of Lady of the Rings was a cute glimpse into a low budget porno based on the Lord of the Rings trilogy so financially successful across the globe. The names were (slightly) changed and the focus of the ring was somewhat different but the main objective was to cash in on the trilogy with a cast having generic sex. Here's a few random observations of the movie I made when I watched it last night:

Okay, picture the mainstream movie trilogy of The Lord of the Rings done on a shoestring budget by junior high school students except instead of special effects and computer generated visuals, there'd be sexual frolicking. That'd pretty much sum up the movie at hand. The sexual encounters were generic as ever with the listed cast doing the standard acts including oral, vaginal and anal sex with the occasional DP. Depending on your point of view, there were between five and seven sex scenes along with ten or fifteen minutes of story to tie them together. English was obviously not the first language of the cast and this added to my desire of picking up the remote control and speed through the dialogue parts. As a general rule of thumb, I don't do that since there might actually be something funny or enlightening said and I'd hate to miss the rare chance to hear it.

The sex was also self conscious with the gals routinely looking directly at the camera as they mechanically worked over the men's meat pipes. The most extreme the sex got was with the standard DP (double penetration) and I sensed no chemistry between any of the performers. They were there for a paycheck and while that's nothing that should surprise anyone, I kind of like it when they at least put on a front that they're having fun. I'm surprised that Private didn't make more use of Silvia Saint in the advertising since she was the biggest name of the cast but I applaud them on this since she only had a lesbian scene (and a short one at that) at the end of the show.

Saana was one of the highlights for me as she seemed to at least recognize that fans appreciate the occasional smile from the gals though Liliane Tiger (with her out of place tattoo) appeared to understand this too. Frank's direction was about as well planned out as his acting was believable (what a ham!) and the production suffered as a result. Had this been one of Private's extravaganza releases like Robinson Crusoe on Sex Island, Millionaire, or Private Gladiator, I'm sure that better planning would've been used, better casting, and even better writing for the language-challenged cast.

I'm not going to play guessing games with the cast identities or go through the paces of outlining the formulaic sex they had since that seems counter intuitive to me (even Frank didn't know who was who except for a few of the bigger names) but suffice it to say; if you like the type of sex and minimal story that Private can provide in their lower budget flicks, this will be the one for you to check out over their many compilations. Just keep in mind that the story elements amounted to fast forward fodder and anytime the cast opened their mouths to do anything but suck a cock, lick a nipple or otherwise engage in sex; the fun ground to a screeching halt.

Summary: Lady of the Rings was worth a rating of Skip It to me even though I really liked some of the cast. Otherwise, despite the generally superior technical qualities of the picture, the movie was lame when there was no sex taking place and even the sex was well below par for the illustrious Private; a company known for high end porn features. If you are a slavering fanboy of the cast (Saana comes to mind for me, as does Silvia Saint), you might want to rent it to see exactly what I'm getting at but the pacing was bad and I found little enjoyment from the movie. Frank Thring has offered up some cute movies in the past but he dropped the ball here which struck me as weird since the Behind the Scenes feature was the best thing about the DVD for me.

You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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