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Deviant Housewives

Studio: Metro » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 11/25/05

XCritic's Advice: Watch It Online

Genre: Straight Feature
Director: Anton Slayer
Cast:: Kelly Erickson, Monica Mayhem, Liza Harper, Harley Rain, Cherokee, Van Damage, Lee Stone, Alex Saunders, Mark Davis, Tallon
Length: 135 mins
Production Date: 2005

In a Nutshell - As Professional and Perfect as Standard Straight Porn Gets - Except for the Sound
Shot on digital video in the typical overblown luxury of the standard hardcore home setting, Deviant Housewives looks incredibly good. The 1.33:1 full frame transfer is clean and free of all major DVD image defects (bleeding, pixelization, etc.). On the sound side, the voice over narration is clear and easily decipherable, but some of the sexual sonics get overwhelmed by the musical scoring. The minimal amount of dialogue is of the internal mic camcorder catastrophe type and barely registers on the eardrums.

In a Nutshell - Low on Quantity, High on Quality
By far, the best bonus feature on the DVD is a near 30 minute behind the scenes featurette which offers up a chance to hear each one of the actresses in interesting, intimate Q&As. Questions like "spit vs. swallow" and "favorite performer" mesh with actual insights into the life of a porn actress, and it makes for a very entertaining and engaging extra. Along with some phone sex ads, and a decent collection of trailers, there is the standard photo gallery. While it doesn't seem like much, the Making-of material more than compensates for the lack of additional elements.

First Impressions:
Not being a fan of Desperate Housewives, it is hard to gauge how accurate a spoof Anton Slayer and the gang are attempting here. Most of the time, this feels like the XXX version of Sex in the City. Kelly's character, who sets up the entire story, basically walks us through the recent affairs of her once married/now divorced pals. There is no other action, no real story to speak of. It's just basic character intro and then the intercourse. Anyone looking for a creatively carnal comic take on the hit ABC show best venture elsewhere for their lampoonery. The "stories" are just a basic BS clothesline from which all the fuck and suck hangs.

The Sex Scenes:
If there is one word that properly describes the hardcore action in Deviant Housewives, it would be 'mechanical'. While are performers are pros, more than capable of some spontaneous sizzle and interpersonal passion, there is really no electricity or sex sparks here. Positions go on for far too long, choreographed to the point where the edits seems to fall in the same staid cock-in-cunt patterns. By the end of each sequence we just want the XXX tenets to end. Also, there is no anal here whatsoever - even gals known for their butt brazeness (Harley) provide no pooper power. In essence this is passive pretty porn, glitzed up and glamorized by the location, and delivered with lifeless loveliness thanks to some stellar cinematic elements. Let's look at each scene separately to see where this movie misfires. We start with:

Scene 1: Monica Mayhem, Van Damage

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Acts Performed: Kissing, Fondling, Foreplay, Tit Sucking, Blow Job, Reverse Cowgirl, Doggy, Cowgirl, Spooning, Scissors, Mish, $hot in Mouth/on Face
Score: 2 out of 5
Monica and Van actually start things off with a fairly decent dicking. There is a great deal of fire between these two, and their obvious lust goes a long way toward making this sequence work. But director Slayer stumbles quite a bit here, moving the camera in too close, or in some cases, pulling it away from the action all together. Such an arty aesthetic does not help the hardcore. Instead, it hinders several of the elements that make adult entertainment so arousing. By the time we get to the session of spooning, the fucking feels forced, as if purposefully prolonged to maximize screen time. We should never be aware of the minutes ticking by (or on this case, NOT ticking by) as allegedly fervent suck and fuck unfolds.

Scene 2: Liza Harper, Lee Stone
Acts Performed: Kissing, Fondling, Foreplay, Tit Sucking, Cunnilingus, Salad Tossing, Blow Job, Fingering, Cowgirl, Spanking, Mish, Spooning, Reverse Cowgirl, V to M, Standing Cowgirl, $hot in Mouth/on Face
Score: 2 out of 5
Lee Stone has a big cock, and for most of the scene, Liza seems more than happy to handle it. But around the standing cowgirl position (which then switches back to a final foundation of Mish), our actress appears uncomfortable, and unable to continue with such a powerful poling. Her face registers pain, anxiousness and aggravation. The last time the Dirge checked, those were not classic examples of fiery fuck faces. As Stone continues to pound away, lost in a pre-pop haze, the home audience is stuck seeing some chick suffer under one big boner's titanic tutelage. If it weren't for the obvious displeasure registered across Ms. Harper's face, this would be a great scene. But the knowledge that one of the performers is none too pleased means we can't enjoy the Eros - and therefore, the entire scene falls flat.

Scene 3: Kelly Erickson, Harley Rain, Alex Saunders
Acts Performed: Stripping, Blow Job, Ball Action, Dueling Head, Foreplay, Fingering, Cunnilingus, Reverse Cowgirl, V to M, Lesbian Antics, Face Sitting, Doggy, Mish, Toe Sucking, $hot to Chest w/Oral Clean-up
Score: 1.5 out of 5
In Killing Courtney Luv, Harley Rain proved she can hold her own with a man who really wants to wear her out. But matched up with Kelly for a little gal on gal gratuity, we get one of the worst examples of same sex stasis in recent memory. There is no Sappho steam between these ladies, no lesbian longings bubbling up to the salacious surface. Instead, the same sex material acts like a kind of corporeal space saver, the girls getting frisky in the strictly female fashion as they wait for Alex to ante up the penis. When required to eat pussy as part of the three-way wantonness, these freaked out femmes prove that their carpet licking days are long gone (if they were ever there to begin with). Indeed, this really isn't your standard guy/girl/girl ensemble. Instead, it is a one-on-one bit of balling with an additional person in the room for perceived fantasy fodder. It doesn't provide an iota of interest or intensity, however.

Scene 4: Cherokee, Mark Davis
Acts Performed: Kissing, Fondling, Foreplay, Tit Sucking,, Cunnilingus, Blow Job, Spitting, Fingering, Reverse Cowgirl, V to M, Cowgirl, Doggy, Pile Driver, Mish, $hot in Mouth
Score: 2.5 out of 5
Man! Mark Davis LOVES to eat pussy. Cherokee's nether regions get a real tantalizing tongue bath at the hands of this hefty, horny Brit and the session of oral seems to take up the vast majority of this otherwise just-average scene. Beyond the bush basting, the same old robotic positions appear, Davis and his dish trying their best to enliven them with emotion and energy. It almost works. Indeed, we feel so much possible passion between this crazed couple that we almost forgive some of the filming flaws from director Slayer's lewdless lens.

Scene 5: Kelly Erickson, Tallon
Acts Performed: Kissing, Fondling, Blow Job, Hand Job, Cunnilingus, Fingering, V to M, Mish, Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl, Doggy, Pile Driver, $hot in Mouth
Score: 2 out of 5
As talented as Tallon is (supposedly) he does not make a convincing real estate mogul. We barely believe him as Kelly's ex-boyfriend, let alone husband. Soft-spoken, barely able to register emotion onscreen, TT Boy's bro is one mannered, mousy meat puppet when not using his penis to perform. He fucks with a ferocity that leads to a nice amount of sweat, but otherwise there is very little sizzle during this scene. Kelly tries to increase the stimulation by responding with recognizable concentration, but the couple still fails to fulfill their porn promise. By the end, we are simply waiting for Talon to spill his man gravy and get it over with. Of course, the movie ends directly afterward, indicating that Deviant Housewives really wasn't interested in telling a complete story to begin with.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2 out of 5 (Rent It)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted
Unless the names listed above automatically lift your loins, if the thought of flavorless, bland banging doesn't make your mouth water with marital aid desire, if you can live another day without seeing the lamest lesbian scene ever conceived, then there is no reason to run out and buy Deviant Housewives. Instead, a rental would be a realistic first step in discovering whether you'll eventually want to own this remarkably ordinary title. Couples will clearly enjoy it as there is nothing here that is shocking or overly aggressive. This is just the industry standard for modern XXX sex films, complete with a clever take-off on a famous TV series name. Otherwise, there is much hotter, and harder, product out on the market.

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