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Squirt Queens 3

Studio: Other » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 12/6/05

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

Genre: Scene Compilation
Director: Mario Cassini
Cast:: Cherry Poppins, Desire Moore, Dimond Jewelz, Kayla Marie, Victoria Lan, Valarie Vasquez, Nyomi Marcela, Mika Tan
Length: 138 mins
Production Date: 2005

In a Nutshell - Flat and Lifeless, Just Like the Performances
This is natural lighting, camcorder creativity at its most boring and mundane. The fleshtones are flat and the lack of contrasts considerable. Frequently, especially during the ample close-ups favored by our filmmaker, we see occlusions, blemishes and other reality check chinks in these actresses' attractiveness armor. Washed AND worn out, these gals could use a good makeup tech - and an ample supply of wax (both body and mortician's).

In a Nutshell - Basically Bare Bones
Sadly, all we get here are two trailers and a less than interesting photo gallery. Talk about your lack of supplemental sexual fun. Shame on you White Ghetto!

First Impressions:
Squirt porn is incredibly sexy when done right, highly problematic when attempted by the untrained. Not every gal can give up the gush, and a less than liquid performance can dry up even the most pert of peters. Squirt Queens 3 suffers from a pair of problems that no amount of snatch spraying can correct. First, we are not dealing with the most attractive girls in the lewd lexicon. A couple of our featured femmes have some interesting features, but many are hairy, homely skaggs. Long distance truckers desperate for trim wouldn't pick these patches to plow through, and any attempt at arousal is quashed by pimples, meat moles and hirsute honey holes. Second, this is a mostly Sappho outing, with more same sex shenanigans than anything else. Since the Dirge is on the record as more or less loathing the lame lesbianism of hardcore smut, this grating girl on girl gimmickry turns this title into something of a struggle.

The Sex Scenes:
Monotonous, robotic and unimaginative. Heck, the same glass dildo shows up in three of the five scenes - and the gals still don't know quite what to do with it. Aside from some erotic kissing, nothing here will stimulate your XXX tenets. Let's view the damage individually, starting with:

Scene 1: Cherry Poppens, Desire Moore and Unseen Man
Acts Performed: Kissing, Touching, Tit Sucking, Fingering, Cunnilingus, Vibrator Action, V to M, Dildoing, Shred V to M, Blow Job, Alternating Head, Nut Action, $hot in Mouth, Snowballing
Squirt Score: Cherry - NONE!, Desire - Just Droplets
Score: 1.5 out of 5

-- sponsored by --

Ms. Poppens, and her pal, the waif like Desire, do their darnedest to start off this flesh flick with an ultra-passionate pairing. They attack each other with obvious relish and really amplify their hand to toy trouncing. But once we get to the moment of mush, when Ms. Moore is supposed to serve up the slit sauce, all we get is a few failed drops and pseudo-satisfied grins across the ladies' lips. Cherry's got hygiene issue to boot, including a hairy asshole and a veldt-like henna bush. The last minute inclusion of cock is odd, but does deliver us from same sex inertia. Sadly, this is one of the better scenes in the set, even if director Cassini's camerawork is all nook and cranny nastiness.

Scene 2: Dimond Jewelz
Acts Performed: Touching, Fingering, Glass Dildo Masturbating, Butter Churning, V to M, Tit Play
Squirt Score: A Gusher and a Queef
Score: .5 out of 5
That sound you hear the minute Ms. Jewelz takes center stage is the ever-present 'dogz' that rappers are on about - and these bow-wows aren't begging to be let out. Instead, they're hoping you'll lock them up for good - anything to avoid being touched by this ogre in porn star's clothing. Dimond is HIGHLY unattractive, used and contused like well worn shoe leather. As she plays with her paltry personal pillows, underdeveloped flapjacks that starving orphans would find unappealing, we too become a wee bit squeamish at the thought of this dame dousing us with her reverse douche draining. Dimond can sure squirt (and she even gives us a pussy poot to boot); too bad the rest of her act is the very definition of repulsive.

Scene 3: Kayla Maria
Acts Performed: Fingering, Glass Dildo Masturbating, Cabaret, Rough Jousting
Squirt Score: Kayla Maria: A Gusher and a Dribbler
Score: 1 out of 5
Moving from ox to lox, Kayla is a skinny string bean blond with a voice so annoying you hope she is the silent type of orgasm girl. Unfortunately, she's as talkative as she is talentless. Her scene is sunk by a faked phone sex sequence, along with Ms. Maria's lack of factorable feminine attributes. Still, she does deliver in the womb waterworks region, freely flowing the first time, and pushing out a passable dribble near the end. Too bad she's as visually stunning as a plank of balsa wood.

Scene 4: Valarie Vasquez, Victoria Lan
Acts Performed: Touching, Cabaret, Kissing, Tonguing, Cunnilingus, Fingering, Glass Dildo Fucking, Tongue Fucking, V to M, Salad Tossing
Squirt Score: Valarie Vasquez: A Splashing Spigot - Victoria Lan: None
Score: 2 out of 5
Promising some sizzling Latina heat, and almost delivering on said spicy set-up, Valarie and Victoria really try to treat us to an intense, erotic same sex scene. They fail on both counts - not completely, but enough to keep our personal proclivities safely in check. While Ms. Vasquez takes the notion of skeletal to pre-pubescent extremes, Ms. Lan is one big-assed lumpy mother humper. When they get all snuggly, you can start to sense some heat. But the lack of anything remotely inventive - it's the same old shuck and fuck and jive we've seen in three previous sequences - really grates on one's gonads. This makes something potentially powerful into a limp dick disappointment.

Scene 5: Nyomi Marcela, Mika Tan
Acts Performed: Dildo Fucking, V to M, Cunnilingus, Thumb Diddly, Tit Sucking, Kissing, Fondling, V to M, Double Headed Dildo Action
Squirt Score: Nyomi Marcela: A Splashing Spigot and a Dribbler - Mika Tan: None
Score: 2 out of 5
Nyomi and Mika are the best looking babes on this DVD, their Asian allure more than making up for their lack of body fat. There is an abandon to their performance, a sense of pleasing each other, and not director Cassini's uninteresting camera that really sells the sex. Once we get past the Sappho pleasantries and onto the lubing, the scene really sparks, especially with Mika looking to lap up any stray spray. Had it been more ingenious and engaging, this would have been the best scene in the set. As it stands, it's a decent second place presentation.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2 out of 5 (Rent It)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted
Look, for some adult film fans out there, natural looking ladies that aren't plastic surgery-ed up like manipulated mannequins are the height of hand to ham horniness. Equally, ladies who can void from the vagina and soak some sheets are a real man meat treat. Too bad Squirt Queens 3 delivers less than acceptable levels of both. The most retail consideration this title should be given is as a Rental since it has no real staying power once these female fountains go off. Couples may enjoy a few of the less artificial moments here, but overall, this is very uninteresting Eros.

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