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Whore At My Door Vol. 1


Studio: 5th Element » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 3/14/06



XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Whore At My Door 1

Fifth Element

Genre: Pro-Am

Director: John Whoremonger

Cast: Courtney Cummz, John Whoremonger, Sandy Simmers, Dynamite, Lilly, Isis Love, Lexi Leigh

Length: 116.5 minutes

Date of Production: 11/11/2005

Extras: The only extra was a photogallery.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: Whore At My Door 1 was shot in the usual 1.33:1 ratio full frame color as shot by director John Whoremonger for Fifth Element. It was advertised as having 6 amateur whores but I didn't count on that referring to the cameraman, director, male performer, and other crew members more so than the ladies present. A few of them showed potential and I think Courtney had enough experience to qualify as having more than everyone else combined, including the crew. The lighting was generally consistent though no preparations were made for the flash photography used for the stills. There was some grain and video noise but the slightly greenish tint and poor composition of the camera work was even worse than the editing. It was as low budget as I've seen in a long time, reminding me once more how some productions claiming to have amateurs are better than others. The audio was presented with a 2.0 Dolby Digital signal per my receiver but using headphones, I found no separation between the channels and the dynamic range was a lot lower than usual. The audio levels were obviously set too low so I had to crank it up to hear what was said in some cases (causing distortion) and down in others, the living room used was not conducive to proper porn sound.

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Body of Review: One of the things that some porn lovers enjoy watching is a cast of unknown gals boning for dollars as though they walked in off the street. The use of a professional crew and male talent then lends itself to calling such shows as Pro-Am (a combination of professional and amateur). A great many series have continued for a long time using this formula, and now the latest starts off with Whore At My Door 1, a show where various gals come to the door of a small house and end up having sex with a generic guy in need of a serious waxing all over his stubbly body. Sadly, the limitations of the show were such that it was painful to watch and the lack of any significant extras was just fine with me this time, given the overall lack of production quality. Here's a breakdown of the scenes by the name of the gal and the action that took place for those still reading, noting that no condoms were used:

Scene One: Courtney Cummz, the best known gal of the movie and a cutie to boot, was up first playing a lawn service employee needing her $35 payment. As the standard motif of the movie, he offers her up a $100 bill and she doesn't have change so they work it out that she'll provide some "tree trimming" services to balance it out. Like all the scenes, the man was uncredited but I'm guessing it was director John Whoremonger since he had a small cock, hairy body, and limited sexual skills. After all, there aren't a lot of companies in porn that would hire someone like this unless he worked the crew or otherwise provided something else to the proceedings. She laughed as she sucked his cock, probably figuring it was a quick buck for a few inches, leaving streamers as she inhaled his stubby meat pipe. She gave an active ride but he looked like he came early and went through the motions afterwards. It ended with a tiny load after she appeared to "come on queue" on the couch. In most ways, this was as good as it got and it wasn't all that great if you catch my drift.

Scene Two: Sandy Simmers, the bleach blonde on the front DVD cover, played an escort with large implants willing to lower her rate for birthday boy John Whoremonger. He spanked her and she gave him head as she stood before him; bending over to show her ass as she did. She then bounced on his dick as though trying to get him off quickly, both of them showing numerous imperfections caught forever on DVD. Like the other scenes, it was a cold, mechanical fuck between the two; emulating how a great many escorts seem to work. After some vaginal action, she jerked him off into her mouth.

Scene Three: Dynamite, an older gal with red hair and a beige dress, was another escort willing to negotiate with John Whoremonger in his living room. In her favor, this MILF had an all natural body and seemed no stranger to having a stranger's cock in her mouth and pussy. Heck, I'd have dropped a couple of hundred bucks for her myself if given the chance though she wasn't in her prime by any means. The formula was the same as the other scenes in terms of the sexual acts involved and she was as mechanical as expected with him holding up as best he could. The load was as small as the cock though to her credit, she was a good cock sucker if you like them sloppy and wet.

Scene Four: Lilly, an anorexic gal with a Latina accent, was up next as she looked for her missing friend before talking to John Whoremonger. Needing to earn some bus fare but unable to provide any change, she showed her implants and the rest of her body, before doing the oral and vaginal deed with him. It was a weak scene even by the standards here though those of you into small, waifish gals might find some satisfaction even though the flash of the still photography was even worse here than elsewhere. If you're into generic scenes, this will suit you more than it did me but it seemed like a waste of her potential to me.

Scene Five: Isis Love, a skinny but cute gal, wore a white mesh top and red miniskirt as she sold cookies door to door from a plate. Using his standard ploy, he popped out the $100 bill and had her feed them to him, having her strip afterwards to provide some value to the deal. While she probably works as a striptease dancer in Florida, her sexual skills were lacking and even following the basic formula employed here, she wasn't much more than limited eye candy to me. I'm sure she could learn to be a better sexual performer, though John Whoremonger probably wouldn't get any better without paying, and the low budget nature of the show really worked against her a lot. It ended with a tiny load to an oreo cookie held in her mouth for those who care.

Scene Six: Lexi Leigh, a small gal that looked as much like the "girl next door" type as I've ever seen in a porno, worked at a sign printing shop and came to deliver some "whores needed" signs to John Whoremonger. He paid her in cash, with the same $100 bill he'd used in the other scenes (look at the serial numbers if you don't believe me) and she negotiated a way to keep the extra since she had no change. Her implants looked low cost but she was a smiling gal worthy of all the niceties so I won't carry on about the physical limitations displayed here. She knew the sexual basics well enough but the scene was just as limited as anything you'd find in an Ed Powers movie (hairy guy with small penis included). I wanted so much to like her but think a few weeks in the "Don Houston How to be a Porn Star" camp this summer would improve her skills immeasurably. Seriously though, I had much earlier figured out the setting, the guy, and the weak technical factors were mostly at fault for the lameness of the scenes. Is it any wonder that there were no credits for the crew and male performer?

Summary: Whore At My Door 1 was a case of perseverance on my part for sitting through the whole thing, earning the rating of Skip It unless you're really into ultra low budget porn. The sole presence of Courtney Cummz was why I selected it and I paid the price for my lack of checking out the rest of the show. I know Fifth Element has released some decent work in the past, I've seen some of it, but this was a failed effort all the way around for too many reasons to rehash here. Heck, the front DVD cover needs to be amended from saying "0 complaints" to "many complaints" given how this one was shot and the relative lack of fun sex. If you want to watch generic porn with an uncaring cast going through the motions, by all means pick this one up but with 13,000+ titles released a year these days, why bother.

For other, greater choices in porn, check out: 2005's Top Porn List, 2004's Top Porn List, and 2003's Top Porn List as well as the latest Blue Room Column

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You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon



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