Cast: Didi, Lucy, Charlie, DJ, Lorna Lace, Danny, Lawrence, Jay Scarman, Leon
Length: 131 minutes
Date of Production: 5/2/2005
Extras: The only extras were a few short biographies and six trailers.
Audio/Video Quality: I Only Love Filthy Sluts was presented in the same 1.85:1 ratio anamorphic widescreen color as shot by director Ionie Luv Coxxx for Private. The camera action used to capture the scenes was handled by a Sony model that looked made for home use and wasn't exactly handled all that well. In that sense, the Pro-Am action was looking much like one would expect; poor lighting, lots of grain, lame camera angles, and all the trappings thereof. It looked better than most home movies I've watched but only by a little bit, thanks in large part to the weak lighting and poor editing. The audio was presented with all the usual choices of foreign languages and a primary track being a 2.0 Dolby Digital English track for those who care. The vocals were a decidedly mixed bunch; some being far too low while others were loud to the point of distortion and lots of background noises when outside.
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Body of Review: Private has long been known for a certain style of sex scene in their movies with super model attractive women who do almost anything asked of them in a cold, standoffish manner being standard. Their reliance on features and vignettes is well known but in recent months they've tried to experiment with something new; a Pro-Am line by a chunky brunette female called Ionie Luv Coxxx who goes around recruiting men in public places to have sex with her females. The fourth in the series is I Only Love Filthy Sluts and fans of Pro-Am might want to look at it even if the rest of us could do better. Here's a breakdown of the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used:
Scene One: Didi, a bleach blonde that looked much like the girl next door (but only if you live next to a trailer park in Great Britain), was looking substantially better on the front DVD cover than in her scene with a guy that I presume (by the closing credits) was named Danny. It began with a short interview by Ionie where Didi teased and masturbated in front of the camera with some large toys, showing her willingness and sexual ability to slam it into her ass as well as her pussy. Her male partner was albino white and about as sexually gifted as a hamster though she was a sport and tried to treat him like he was something special. In that sense, I had to give credit to her enthusiasm if nothing else, and the manner in which she aggressively tried to get him erect was truly worthy of a "filthy slut". Her oral attempts aside, he snacked on her crack too, using a vibrator and eventually boning her with every one of his meager inches until her popped a massive thimble's worth of semen while someone over his shoulder squeezed out some hand lotion (or something similar that did not come from his penis).
Scene Two: Lucy, a cute Polish gal in search of some kielbasa to play with, wore some black lingerie as she teased the camera mechanically from the bed. She wanted a big black cock and I believe the guy's name was Lawrence who got to sample her skills this time after she warmed up with a blue vibrator. He looked like a Rasta Mon, complete with dreadlocks and a worn face, as Lucy sucked him off. Despite what Ionie was saying about deepthroating, Lucy could barely fit two inches of meat into her mouth (she should have hooked up with Casper the friendly ghost in the first scene) and needed to use her hand to work him up. He ate her out fairly well and then tapped her pussy as she mostly lay like a dead fish before him. It was a vaginal only scene and ended like the first scene, weak pop shot and all.
Scene Three: Charlie, the brunette on the front DVD cover with her legs in the air, was up next as she claimed to like cock in her ass before she began masturbating and shaking her goodies for Ionie on the bed. Underneath her black fishnet stockings, she appeared to have some kind of extensive rash that also covered her arms and hands. That was enough to kill the scene for me, figuring she had measles or some other disease that I would want to catch as she masturbated, but Rasta was back (finally identifying himself as LP) and a white dude named Frank. They looked like they didn't care what she was contagious with since she sucked them off with a measure of glee, neither offering much in the way of size or erections at first. I don't know about you but if a gal starts sucking my dick and I don't get hard right away, I walk away from her since my little head is trying to tell me something. They eventually screwed her and a third man joined them but it looked more like amateur porn to me than anything else. Danny didn't look any better this time but as he put it, at least he tried.
Scene Four: DJ, a busty MILF with a body that would've been in great demand a few hundred years ago, was up next as she teased and masturbated in the soapy bathtub. Her toy was huge and fans of large gals will like her a lot, even if she didn't really appeal to me. She was joined by an older guy named "Neil" who was almost as hairy as Ron Jeremy and as inclined to join her in the tub as Ronny would be to visit a buffet. The oral was initially skipped in favor of a quick bout of vaginal, but she gave him some head afterwards to make up for it. Her strength was in the chunky nature of her act, appealing to guys that like their women built for comfort rather than speed. It was just as mechanical a scene as any of the others though and therefore had limited appeal to me.
Scene Five: Lorna Lace, the most common performer in one of Ionie's movies, was up last as she provided a school teacher look to the show, wearing a two piece outfit that disappeared in record time once she started talking about being a filthy slut. She masturbated like a seasoned professional, fingering herself silly until she pulled out a large vibrator to ravage her pussy and ass with. This being Cannes, you'd think a bit more creativity was in order though she liked her ass impaled by Ionie to begin the action. Once things were underway, she went at it rapidly before a guy I believe was called Leon joined her to snack on her crotch. He was a chunky guy too so they were suitable for one another, his tattoos looking to be much more extensive though with the tribal art on the left arm. The action included a technical DP with him in her ass and the vibrator in her pussy, and except for her "uh uh ahh" repeatedly droning on, it was an okay scene to watch once.
Summary: I Only Love Filthy Sluts might work better for some of you than it did for me. I prefer attractive women who enjoy sex and know what they're doing as recorded by folks with some measure of technical expertise. Some of you might prefer to watch the home movie approach as displayed here and to those of you so inclined, by all means ignore my rating of Skip It and pick yourselves up a copy. In all, it wasn't the worst I've seen but too many wasted opportunities left me cold and the cast seemed to be going through the motions in most cases, killing it for me. Oh well, others might like it better than I did but to them I say, get a life.
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