It's sort of depressing when you see a straight feature that doesn't really try. Blue Collar
promises to be a rude romp through some hilarious, horny home improvement. The premise is perfect for porn – a financially strapped female decides to use her snatch as a means of getting men to repair her home. Add in a group of gal pals who are more than happy to saddle up for a little DIY-based drilling and you have XXX fun meshed with some manner of mainstream moviemaking. But don't be fooled by this critic's description – Blue Collar
is a clothesline production from head to blow. The plot is just an excuse for five scenes of excellent to average sex. There is no attempt to accentuate the performers' acting skills, and most sequences offer no real narrative set up. It's just naked introductions and on with the shark. Of course, that's all a hardcore title needs to be to keep the flesh fans happy. But when you promise some semblance of story, don't be surprised when you're taken to task for dropping the tale for…tale.
The Sex Scenes:
Something strange has happened to Mercedez. No, she is still the smokin' hot honey with the outrageous olive complexion and fine-tuned knockers that just won't quit. But somewhere between the last time the Dirge saw her, and her appearance in Blue Collar, she looks squashed – literally smaller than she used to be. Where once she was a lanky lass with a devastating body, now she appears short waisted and rather thick. She's not fat, not by a long shot. Nor is she sporting some manner of surgically manipulated physicality that renders her too round. No, Mercedez appears to have been smashed in a pornographic press. It doesn't detract from the dicking – no, all the sex here is solid – but it's just an aesthetic issue worth mentioning.
Scene 1: Mercedez, Jay
Acts Performed: Ruler Fu, Kissing, Tit Sucking, Fingering, Cunnilingus, Blowjob, Spooning, Reverse Cowgirl, Mish, Doggy, $hot on Tits
Score: 3 out of 5
Looking incredibly fetching in her lacy lingerie, Jay would be a jackass to reject our leading lady's obvious advances. She really pours on the provocative, and our beefy builder has no choice but to dive right in. The action between this pair is palpable – you can really sense the chemistry between them. As they fornication, a nice sexy layer of sweat builds up, and the final money moment across Mercedez magnificent rack really adds to the arousal factor. Sadly, the score is lowered over a lack of positions and an excess of editing that often destroys the mode.
Scene 2: Lacie Heart, Ben English, Jerry
Acts Performed: Cabaret, Kissing, Blowjob, Dueling Head, Tit Play, Deep Throating, Cunnilingus, Salad Tossing, Reverse Cowgirl, Ball Action, Spooning, Doggy, $hot on Face and In Mouth X 2
Score: 2 out of 5
A guy/guy/girl scene without a lick of DP seems pointless. After all, such a ménage mannerism is meant to stuff a star with as much cock as possible. But what we soon learn about Blue Collar is that it intends to avoid the anus at all costs. There is not a single scene in this entire two hour movie that features the porking of the pooper, and those of us who enjoy a little butt play get a little tired of the salad tossing only ideal. As one guy grinds into Lacie, she takes another in her trap, and while that's all well and good, would it hurt to have the hinder play a part? Apparently, we have to put up with the oral only element when it comes to a pair of meat puppets and the object of their dong's desire.
Scene 3: Mercedez, Marcos Leon
Acts Performed: Cabaret, Toy Play, Masturbation, Blowjob, Deep Throat, V to M, Cunnilingus, Mish, Doggy, Reverse Cowgirl, Spitting, Mish with Toy, $hot to Face
Score: 2.5 out of 5
In a clear case of the star saving the day, the libido lifting Ms. M truly delivers in what would otherwise be a noxious bit of balling. Mr. Leon looks like he enjoys his food a little too much, and his paunchy persona is not helped by his lack of man meat. You'd figure that a dude this dumpy would have a rod the size of a Chevy – otherwise, why hire him? But he's merely packing a bit more than average. While Mercedez makes do, offering all kinds of sex noises, Marcos simply grunts and groans like an old man building to a bowel movement. Even with the inclusion of a tasty toy treat, looks limit this scene's appeal. Thankfully, Mercedez is so smokin' that her mediocre associate becomes a near non-issue.
Scene 4: Holly Wellin, Alberto Rey
Acts Performed: Cabaret, Cunnilingus, Salad Tossing, Fingering, Blowjob, Mish, Kissing, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, Doggy, Ass Slapping, Pile Driver, $hot on Face and In Mouth, Oral Clean-up
Score: out of 5
Though she's no looker – there's a real UK trash heap element to her image – Ms. Wellin sure screws up a storm, and with foreign fucker Alberto using his pumped up person to aid in the arousal, we've got a really good, if not great, scene. The passion is not nearly as evident as in Scene 1, and the multiple positions definitely help push the sequence along. Near the end though, our couple comes together and the sex starts to seem authentic. As a result, we begin to enjoy ourselves, and wonder why the entire performance couldn't have pressed us over into Eros territory from the very beginning.
Scene 5: Taylor Hilton, Stephen St. Croix
Acts Performed: Kissing, Cunnilingus, Fingering, Faux Fisting, Blowjob, Ball Action, 69, Spooning, Doggy, Pile Driver, Reverse Cowgirl, Mish, $hot All Over the Place
Score: 2 out of 5
Presenting a scene with one of the most accomplished actors in all of adult entertainment and not allowing him to emote is just dumb. Granted, the rest of the film is free of discernible dialogue (except for the girl get-together set-up) but St. Croix can be downright hilarious when he wants to. As a sex performer, he still packs a punch, but why waste one talent while exploiting another? Anyway, Taylor takes it long and hard from our lewd legend, and once we get past the passionless 69 (Ms. Hilton doesn't look like she's trying), the fuck and suck grows steamy. Still, the lack of couple chemistry tends to undermine the moment.
Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2.5 out of 5 (Recommended
Cohabitation Certification: Granted
As with most titles from the time honored company, Vivid's Blue Collar is professional porn laced with some cinematic stunts. The bookend bits with Mercedez hating/loving her home are interesting, but an innovative narrative they do not make. The sex is surprisingly standard, not playing overly aggressive or falsely fancy. And while the talent surrounding our star is more than capable, it is only Ms. M that gets our groins good and engorged. Therefore, Blue Collar earns an easy Recommended. There is not enough here to warrant a higher score, and the blatant professionalism keeps it from dropping into the lend/lease (or worse) department. If part of your fantasy facets includes sequences of construction workers getting their wood wiggled by willing, wanton wenches, you'll dig this on-site smut. It's not the most amazing offering of hardcore action in Vivid's fairly consistent carnal catalog, but it will definitely help you erect a stiff bit of lumber in your loins.
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