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Porn Wars


Studio: Private » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 9/27/06



XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

Genre: Straight Feature
Director: Kovi
Cast:: Nikky Rider, Victoria Swinger, Sandra Parker, Tera Bond, Mya Diamond, Liz Honey
Length: 115 mins
Production Date: 2006

Audio/Visual:
In a Nutshell - Lots of Production Pomp, But Little Cinematic Circumstance
Hoping to mimic the multimillion dollar look of your standard G. Lucas space opera, Porn Wars goes for the 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer, as well as lots of loopy desktop digital effects. The results are mixed, but memorable. Director Kovi keeps tossing in little side bits during the story – computer animated creatures crossing behind the actors, starships moving in and out of shots – and the look is all glossy and gleaming. Certainly, there are moments when we can see the set from the F/X, and there is more XXX action than CGI candy here. Still, for a movie attempting to copy the atmosphere and attitude of the six part Skywalker saga, Porn Wars almost pulls it off.

Extras:
In a Nutshell - They Say There's Bonus Features Here…
But your old pal the Dirge couldn't find them to save his skin. The back of the DVD case states very clearly that there is a Making Of documentary, a Featurette (unspecified content), some trailers, girl bios, and a pair of galleries (both movie and backstage production stills). Sadly, none of this material was on the disc. It's unfortunate. One of the more interesting aspects of Porn Wars is where and how it was made. With all the foreign accented performers and standard European fuck facets (lots of anal, equal amounts of gaping) it would be informative to find out just how fun/frustrating this production was. Without the extras, however, we never get the chance to know.

First Impressions:
When it comes to sex, science fiction would have us believe that, in the future, no one will be looking to screw. Biological functioning aside, most speculative scenarios offer up machines that can supply orgasms, partners, genetic purity and a entirely virtual reality experience. Applying this 2001 ideal to porn may be prophetic, but it's definitely not a lot of fun. No, the best kind of sci-fi slap and tickle arrives in the manner of the lampoon, the spoof, the insightful satire mocking a recognizable entity while adding its own individual silliness spice. Space Nuts is a perfect example of this humor/hardcore dynamic. Private's new epic sized production, Porn Wars, wants to be a similar styled effort. Using a certain Jedi/Sith narrative to illustrate its intergalactic battle, this slightly slapdash saga pits the passion driven Jodi Warriors (complete with their colored dildo light sabers) against the evil Seth, and their wicked wanton ways. Seems the Seth want the Jodi dead, and the spiritually guided sexperts just want to fuck. Mix in a disgruntled padwan, a copycat Cantina scene, a second act switch to "the dark side" and a finale loaded with copulation, not confrontation, and you've got a decent, if derivative effort. You'll enjoy the first 30 minutes or so of this overreaching space junk. But once you realize that it's never going to push the envelope in regards to cleverness or carnality, this yawn-inspiring yarn becomes a real XXX chore.

The Sex Scenes:

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You know you're in trouble when the set design and bitmap rendering is more impressive than the porking. Porn Wars has some of the most mediocre fuck and suck you'll ever see within a sci-fi backdrop. The actors are all mannered and machismo, barely capable of more than a couple of positions. The gals do all give it a subtle, slow burn try, but they also come across as tired instead of tempting. Even worse, when combined with their proposed partners, there is absolutely NO passion or interpersonal bond. We never once find ourselves lost in the lewdness. It's all artificial, carefully arranged and considered, and that is usually the death knell for any XXX action.

Scene 1: Sandra Parker, Antonio Ross
Acts Performed: Foreplay, Blowjob, Tit Fucking, Doggy, Anal Reverse Cowgirl with Dildo DP, Anal Pile Driver with Dildo DP, Anal Gaping, Toy Fucking, Vaginal Gaping, $hot on Vagina and Anal Gape
Score: 2.5 out of 5
The most memorable aspect of this scene? The dildo DP? The anal gapes? The attempted vaginal separation? Nope. The most unforgettable aspect of this coupling is the horribly hokey punk rock hairdo on actress Sandra Parker. Looking like a combination of a horse's mane and a rejected Wendy O. Williams wig, the crackpot coiffure is so outrageous and over the top that one can barely concentrate of the sex. Antonio is a decent meat puppet, trying to enliven what are some rather unoriginal ideas when it comes to cumming, but the generally muted mood and lack of personal chemistry makes for a very unappealing opening. Sadly, the fuck and suck only gets worse from here.

Scene 2: Mya Diamond, Horst Baron
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Ball Action, Cunnilingus, Mish, Reverse Cowgirl, Anal Doggy, Tit Fucking, A to M, $hot on Tits
Score: 2 out of 5
Horst and Mya may know their way around an adult film set, but both are highly unappealing as porn stars. Mr. Baron looks practically pickled as his leathered, middle-aged skin sags and droops off his over the hill frame. And Ms. Diamond resembles a Real Doll crossed with a chipmunk. Again, they can really get down and dirty, and the sequence of anal doggy is some of the best back door action in the entire film, but when you can't find any fantasy fodder in the individuals onscreen, what's the point of porn? Isn't appearance and identifiably as important as seeing actual sex?

Scene 3: Liz Honey, Nikky Rider, The Drifter
Acts Performed: Tit Sucking, Foreplay, Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Face Sitting, Deep Throating, Anal Cowgirl, Salad Tossing, A to M, Alternating A to M, Reverse Cowgirl, Alternating V to M, V to M, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl, Anal Doggy, Girl on Girl Cunnilingus, $hot on Ass
Score: 2.5 out of 5
Threesomes are, by their very nature, one of the more cinematic samplings a XXX title can treat us to. With more than one possible pairing, as well as a litany of mathematical possibilities, the ménage a trios isn't one of the most popular interpersonal diddling daydreams for nothing. Luckily, Kovi keeps it relatively simple here, letting the sex dictate the shot selection, not the other way around. What we end up with then is a clear, concrete combination of skilled sexual performers who can almost make us forget how bored we are with the overall production. Almost.

Scene 4: Tera Bond, Lauro Giotto
Acts Performed: Hand Action, Cowgirl, V to M, Face Sitting, Reverse Cowgirl, Vaginal Gaping, Spoon, Scissors, Doggy, $hot on Ass
Score: 1.5 out of 5
As the Jodi leader, Tera Bond is interesting, but not very convincing. Who would have thought then that her turn as a teacher would be more believable than her stint as a suck and fuck star. While Lauro's gym-inspired shape, all muscle-bound and immobile doesn't help matters, Ms. Bond is the real reason this scene sucks – figuratively. She is all passive reactions - all mouth breather moaning and empty eyed emotion. While it's hard to argue with the motions she is going through, she is definitely not digging them. While she will redeem herself somewhat during the final orgiastic free for all, this solo scene is subpar at best.

Scene 5: Mya Diamond, Victoria Swinger
Acts Performed: Typical Girl/Girl Action, Toy Play, Toy Fucking, Dildo Grinding
Score: 1 out of 5
Two rather unappealing gals giving each other loin lunges is not the Dirge's idea of fun. It's no surprise then that both Mya and Victoria look fed up and uninspired by this tame bit of toy tooling. Like all the action on this DVD, the lack of spark really hurts the hardcore. We want to feel the performers getting off on each other – even if they really have to try hard to fake it. Here, we sense more choreography than carnality.

Scene 6: Tera Bond, Victoria Swinger, Antonio Ross, Horst Baron
Acts Performed: Standard Orgy Free For All, Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Mish, Anal Reverse Cowgirl, A to M, Spoon, Deep Throating, Doggy, DP in the Cowgirl Mode, Face Sitting, $hot on Ass, $hot in Mouth.
Score: 1 out of 5
The big issue with any orgy scene is how it is filmed. Since it is impossible to completely coordinate what four or more trained porn performers can do when placed in a single setting and told to screw, how you capture the action is crucial to the sequence's success. Unlike other moments in the movie, Kovi really drops the ball here, concentrating on shots that make no sense (people's thighs, the back of ladies' heads) and missing material that would help amplify the amount of arousal we'd feel. While it's not as boring as the babe on babe blandness before it, this finale fails to fulfill much of Porn Wars promise.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2 out of 5 (Rent It)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted
Basically, there's a right way, and a wrong way, to incorporate porn into the sci-fi genre. Space Nuts is the right way. Porn Wars gets it mostly wrong. Believe it or not, the action adventure material is, in some ways, better than the balling. Kovi's attention to detail is excellent, and the Jodi/Seth substance is handled in a manner on par with other b-movie space operas. Still, what a title like this exists for is sex, and lots of it, and in that regard, Porn Wars fails. On the Disco Dirge Peter Meter, this movie earns a flaccid rank of Rent It. Couples will not be offended by the fireless fuck and suck offered, making a Cohabitation Certification easy to award. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a cultural touchstone was created, a motion picture myth that's still as viable today as it was back in 1977. Porn Wars wants to use such identifiable iconography as the basis for its brazenness. Sadly, the symbolism is all it has going for it. The rest is just routine.





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