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Studio: Red Light District Video » Review by bobby mcgee » Review Date: 11/26/06

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand


Red Light District

Genre: Amateur home video

Condoms: Yes

Director: Dustin Diamond

Length: 52 minutes plus extras

Date Of Production: 10/8/06

Cast: Dustine Diamond and two nameless girls

Special Features: With the main feature only running 52 minutes Red Light obviously felt it was necessary to throw in a bunch of extras. The best (and most obvious) extras are the four bonus scenes starring Rebeca Linares from Cum Stained Casting Couch 6, Tia Tanaka from We Yum Yum Cum, Annette Schwarz from 1 In The Pink, 1 In The Stink 9, and Amy Reid from I've Been Sodomzied. You also get a sampler disc with trailers from dozens of other Red Light titles. While the idea of a second bonus disc sounds nice, you'll get more use from this DVD if you use it as a coaster for your coffee. Overall you get less fuck for your buck than an average Adult DVD.

Audio/Video Quality: The picture was presented in your typical full-frame (4:3) format. Shot with a basic handheld camcorder the video quality is simply awful. While there weren't many instances of pixilation or edge enhancement, the picture had a very grainy feel to it - this caused the colors to look washed-out and faded. Another major concern was the lighting. The only lights used were the couple lamps you find in any hotel room so shadows were always a concern. The audio is a basic 2.0 stereo with all of the performer's dialogue sounded clear. Granted this was intended as a "private sex tape", but with a little more work the technical quality could have been vastly improved.

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Body of Review: Much like that car accident on the side of the road, when I heard that Screech (Dustin Diamond) was releasing a sex tape I simply had to look. With a career that has tanked since his Saved By The Bell days, Screech has been trying to get his name back in the spotlight for some time. You hardcore SBTB fans might recall that Screech was selling t-shirts online in an effort to save his house. After that ploy failed miserably, Screech looks to have gotten even more desperate and gone the way of so many "B" celebrities releasing a sex tape. While some of the more famous celeb sex tapes (notably Pam and Tommy) truly make you feel like you are witnesses a couple's most private moments, Screeched just reeks of commercialism from the start. After popping the DVD in my player the first thing that stood out was the hilarious animated menus. Looking eerily similar to the opening credits on SBTB I was already laughing and looking forward to watching Screech get his freak on.

In a dimly-lit hotel hallway Screech tells the camera that he has been invited to the room of a bachlorette party. Most of the girls are gone for the night, but the bride to be (an attractive blonde) and her bridesmaid (an incredibly hot brunette) are still around. He walks into a room filled with sex toys and finds the two ladies drinking cocktails in bed. Screech spends several minutes checking them out all the toys and trying to make some cheesy jokes. Once the girls have finished their drinks they get dressed in some sexy lingerie and hop back in bed. The girls then proceed to whip out Screech's schlong (I never thought I'd say that) and give him some head. The girls were actually putting on a pretty good show but Screech's incessant banter was very annoying. Then, in what is probably the best part of the scene, the girls give each other some oral. You can tell they felt very comfortable with one another the sex was very passionate. With the foreplay over Screech says he is ready for some real action.

I will admit that I did occasionally chuckle at Screech's lame jokes, but watching the girls put a condom on him was hilarious. Whether she was already wasted or just plain dumb, the blonde had considerable trouble putting it on even painfully snapping it on his junk at one point. With his pecker finally covered Screech bangs the blonde in a couple different positions. Sadly (or should I say fortunately), he never took off his clothes so you really couldn't see too much penetration. In a wise move Screech now takes a backseat and lets the ladies go to town on each other. Using a huge blue dong, the blonde fucks the brunette up the ass. This goes on for some time before the girls take a break and hop into a relaxing bubble bath.

The girls soak in the tub for nearly twelve minutes while Screech stands there making some ridiculous conversation. This was so boring I found myself reaching for the fast-forward button, but some how I managed to watch it all. Just when you think the scene is about the end, the brunette hops out of the tub and bends over showing off her incredible ass. Quicker than a jack rabbit, Screech fingers her asshole and gives the blonde a dirty sanchez. Even though it was incredibly lame, I found myself laughing at the blonde's facial reaction. Back out in the hallway Screech gives himself a pat on the back for pulling off a dirty sanchez and a few other things before mercifully turning off the camera.

Final Thoughts: If you can't already tell, I was highly disappointed by this release. You hardly see Screech in action, no cumshot, and most of the 52 minutes is taken up by corny dialogue what kind of sex tape is that!? Please trust me when I say that no one wanted to enjoy this DVD more than me, but it just fell short in every respect. While it's definitely not worth buying, I would suggest everyone rent it just say you can say you saw Screech get it on.

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