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Nine Inches

Studio: French Connection » Review by Poindexter X » Review Date: 5/12/07

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

Year of Production:

Early 1970s

Directed By:

HK Demask

The Movie:

Horny dudes who are too lazy to actually go out and find a piece of ass call the local escort service to order up men for hire.

Scene One:

John (cute with longish brown hair and cool sideburns) calls an escort service to have a rent-dude sent over. John's line readings are hilariously horrible. He strips down and heads to the shower revealing a slender/toned body, full brown pubes, and cut cock. Phil (good-looking with dark hair and tall/slender body) arrives letting himself in and heads to the bathroom to find his customer. Phil strips down while a cool cheap cocktail lounge jazz tune blares on the soundtrack. Phil gets down to business deep throating John's stiff prick all the way to his bush. John licks his way down Phil's chest taking his big cut cock down his throat sliding up and down and jacking the rigid shaft. Phil fucks John in the missionary position using long strokes as he plows that hairy bunghole. Phil shoots a thick load of jizz on John's hairy stomach. Nice load! John cums in Phil's mouth and has spunk dripping down his chin.

Scene Two:

Bill (cute with dark hair, sideburns, and tall/slender/toned build) is lookin' for a little "company" so he calls the escort service. Callboy Opie (fem dude with longish brown/blond hair, average build with man-boobs) shows up and takes Bill's big cut dick down his throat working the hard tool with his mouth and giving some good head. Opie just loves him some of that large stiff cock! Bill reaches for a jar of Vaseline and lubes his prick and Opie's bunghole. He fucks dude from behind using fast/hard humping motions making him cry out in pleasure. After pounding Opie in the missionary position, Bill squirts a large thick load on his chest and stomach. Very hot load! Opie doesn't get his nut.

Scene Three:

-- sponsored by --

Gary (nice-looking with frizzy dark hair, goatee, and slender/toned/hairy body) is lying in bed in front of a cheesy mirrored wall. He's a bossy motherfucker that simply cannot keep his mouth shut. Callboy Hank (cute dude with shaggy blond hair and slender/toned body) arrives to chow down on Gary's hard clipped dong taking the member deep down his throat. Gary's hands guide Hank's mouth all the way down to his hot bushy pubes as he barks all types of nonsense. "You fuckin' Trick! Suck that fuckin' cock! Time is money! Suck for your life!" Gary's ramblings are hilarious in an obnoxious way. For some reason, Gary wraps his leather belt around Hank's chest and then fucks him from behind fast 'n hard. "I'm cumming you son of a bitch! Get on your back!" Gary beats off shooting a thick load on Hank's tongue. Hank jacks his cut cock and shoots a little load on his full dark pubes. The viewer does not actually see Hank getting his nut. The spooge simply magically appears on his bush. Oh well.

Scene Four:

Rent-Boy Eddie (cool looking Latino dude with long black hair and goatee) is running late for his "date". Finally reaching his destination, his client turns out to be the very feminine Mark (plucked eyebrows, long brown shag haircut, slender/smooth body). Mark's already in bed and dramatically pulls back the covers revealing some type of negligee along with his slender body, full brown bush, and large cut cock. "Come over and taste this thing!" Eddie is another dude who constantly talks and seems to be coked up. Eddie straddles Mark sliding his limp uncut cock in and out of his customer's mouth while droning on and on nonstop: "Play with my balls, baby! You can have it! Take it, baby!" The scene is fucking hilarious in its bizarre tone reminding me of an early John Waters' movie. I was half excepting for Mink Stole to come charging in. "Caress my balls, baby!" "Tell me you love me!" (repeats this request at least 20 times!). Gawd! Mark beats his big dick shooting a thick load on his stomach and actually screeching/screaming (which only adds to the hilarious tone of the scene).

Eddie fingers Mark's asshole and plows him from behind fast and hard while Mark simply lays there like a dead fish. I assume Mark is simply tuning Eddie's constant stream-of-consciousness babbling out. Perhaps he took a pain killer and washed it down with some cheap booze. After more "Tell me you love me's", Eddie cuts loose with a load on Mark's back.



"Nine Inches" is shot directly on film and presented in full screen. The camera work is very basic but provides full coverage of all the action with plenty of close-ups. The thirty + year old print, the picture quality is beat up, scratched, and has plenty of wear and tear. Surprisingly, the picture quality while not great is kind of descent allowing the viewer to watch the action without too many distractions.


The sound is clear enough to hear the dudes read their lines like zombies, while others talk non-stop like speed freaks from the mid-1960s Warhol crowd. The music sounds like it's being played on a cheap record player through tin can speakers but adds to the overall trashiness of the production. There's also Mark's screeching orgasm in Scene Four.


The disc includes an interactive menu, scene selections, and plenty of cool vintage trailers for: Harley's Angels, Rugged Men, Macho Grande (with groovy organ music), Point Me Towards Tomorrow, Young Stallions, Navy Blues, In the Heat of the Knight, We'll Meet Again, Rushin', Michael Angelo and David, Nine Plus, Killing Me Softly Muscle Bound, and Pier Groups.

Final Thoughts:

Ha! "Nine Inches" is a seedy and entertaining romp back to the early 1970s! To be honest, the movie is not a turn-on...but a train wreck from which one simply cannot look away. The movie starts with at least fifteen minutes of non-sexual footage of various dudes making calls from a telephone booth. The dudes are a mixed bag with some being good-looking with longish hair and cool sideburns. A few of the other guys are very feminine with Mark in the last scene looking like he's in semi-drag. The music is wonderful cocktail lounge jazz that definitely adds to the overall trashy feel of the movie. As mentioned, at times I felt as if I were watching an early John Waters movie. The non-stop verbal ramblings in Scenes Three and Four are priceless! I strongly recommend a Rent It! Invite some friends over, break out the bong, throw back plenty of beer and enjoy.

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