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Texas Balls Massacre

Studio: Twisted Pink » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 5/29/07

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Texas Balls Massacre

Twisted X

Genre: BDSM

Director: Uncredited (Gee, I wonder why?)

Cast: None of the cast were credited and the listed production date was from over 14 years ago, making this one a tough fetish fuck flick to find information about.

Length: 109:05 minutes

Date of Production: 2/28/1993

Extra's: There were no extras at all.

Condoms: None

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Audio/Video Quality: Texas Balls Massacre was presented in the usual 1.33:1 ratio full frame color as released by Twisted X and shot by an uncredited director. Fetish movies, especially ultra low budget fetish movies from years gone by, are often notable for how poor they look and sound; many not having been ported over from VHS (with the HD & BR versions of the better titles on the horizon, this means most of them will either go to the internet or be lost for archival purposes). In any case, this movie was blurry, poorly composed, the lighting worse than average, and the colors off in numerous ways. The quality of the transfer was suspect and tracking lines would pop up from time to time tp show that no remastering was evident. Given some of the more recent, higher dollar attempts by a handful of companies to revise the technical qualities on the BDSM genre, this one shows just how bad looking such titles tended to be (though I've seen worse too). Had it looked and sounded better, I might have tried to track down the producer and figure out all the details I usually provide but not for a movie like this. The bitrate varied substantially too; sticking around the lower 3 Mbps rate a lot but also going lower too. The audio was presented in a relatively unique 2.0 LPCM with a bitrate of 1536 Kbps but the audio was hollow and I could hear background noises and hiss in the background that proved to remind me how lame even a high bitrate could sound.

Body of Review: Twisted X is a company that I admit to not knowing much about but given the weaknesses of their recent release of Texas Balls Massacre, I suspect that will change in the near future. Granted, it won't change in a good way but at least people will remember who they are after seeing this turkey. The movie dealt with a light plot showing two guys caught by a house of women and punished; the movie ending before resolution. The cover listed it as lasting 140 minutes but this was one of the few times I was glad they skimped given how badly done it was on so many levels. Here's a look at the movie but the scenes blended together and no condoms were used since no penetration took place:

Okay, the premise of the movie is that two prison escapees on the run, break into a mistress' home. They get caught by a large net coming out of nowhere and two ladies in fetish attire (black leather for the most part) teach them the nature of their crime. I have no idea of where this was shot or who the people were since there were no credits on the box, in the movie, or anywhere else but the premise has been done numerous times in the past (even in loops dating back before sound) so like the proverbial pizza delivery boy, the pool cleaner, or the hot porn reviewer roles where the guy satisfies all he encounters, the men get their just deserts. In this case, they are beaten, spanked, tortured, and abused in numerous ways that included ball torture, clamps, and face sitting just to name a few.

The unbelievably twisted nature of the scenes was such that some of you might not care that the men never get to vaginally (anally, or even orally) penetrate the ladies, even their submissive assistants. The men were given handjobs and never truly struggled when under attack, the total submission proving to be an even bigger stretch than the lame acting the gals provided. I don't want to sound too negative but even those in the field of BDSM will find this throwback to require the patience of Job to bear with and the payoff was so slight that the best thing about the movie is to show critics how bad porn could get compared to the gonzo genre that currently dominates the field.

The "by the numbers" treatment the action displayed had no chemistry, no energy, and none of the spark that so many titles seem to at least strive for these days; the partners probably bored suburban couples that made a movie in their spare time (like about the length of the movie since the editing was so bad). If you're still reading this far into the review, you probably have the intestinal fortitude needed to sit through the movie itself but I think one of the reasons people appreciate "the lifestyle" is that it adds excitement to their lives, not to bore you to tears like this one did. In that sense, you will find the limited foot fetish action, the paddling, the flogging and other tricks/toys (like ball stretching) to show no imagination. The gals weren't bad on the eyes (for an old time BDSM movie cast at least) and the mopers in male roles were bad enough to make even Lockwood look almost passable but I dozed off three times watching this movie and you all know how rare that is. Summary: Texas Balls Massacre was a massacre like no other in that it massacred good movie making (even by porn standards this was lame), none of them sounded like they were from Texas, and you'll want to massacre anyone that sells you a copy. The technical values were poor and the levels of fuck for the buck so limited that if you never hear of the Texas Balls Massacre again, you'll be a happier sort of person. I'm rating it as a Skip It simply because we have nothing lower than that to give it but if you found this appealing on any level; by all means email me and let me know what you saw in it. To sum it up in two letters; P.U.

You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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