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Czechs Are Cumming, The


Studio: Combat Zone » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 6/24/07



XCritic's Advice: Skip It

The Czechs Are Cumming

Combat Zone

Genre: Gonzo

Director: Joachim Kessef

Cast: Katie, Maya, Joachim Kessef, Julia, Oda, Oksana; Oliver Strelly, Timor, Richard Langin

Length: 140:57 minutes

Dates of Production: 2/8/2006, 12/14/2006, 12/16/2006

Extra's: The only extras were a photogallery, a cumshot recap, and a protective cardboard sleeve over the DVD case; the advertised BTS absent.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: The Czechs Are Cumming was presented in the usual 1.33:1 ratio full frame color it was shot in by director Joachim Kessef for release by Combat Zone. Having watched a few of his previous releases for Combat Zone (like Sperm Drippers and Domination Zone), I was concerned that this one would look like those did; hopefully leaning towards his latter effort. The good news again was that whomever he got assistance from seemed to help keep the show looking pretty solid (for low budget porn) once more. The lighting was pretty good and that eliminated most of the grain and video noise. The composition of the camera angles was mixed as some of the time he'd catch a gal looking pretty rough and no one caught it in editing. Still, it was a step up from what he did before. The audio was presented in 2.0 Dolby Digital (using a 192 Kbps bitrate) but so little was said that it didn't matter that it was an English language soundtrack. The vocals were limited and the moans & groans were plain enough but it lacked any separation or substantial dynamic range to comment on extensively.

-- sponsored by --

Body of Review: Joachim Kessef has been a black meat puppet for years now, trying his hand at directing for Combat Zone. I haven't been exactly kind in my assessment of his skills at the helm of his projects to date but as I am fond of saying, they have to earn it since there are no free rides. His latest to make it my way was The Czechs Are Cumming; sounding pretty good as a title given my affection for a few ladies from the Czech Republic, especially Jana Cova. Unfortunately, the ladies were not even close to being in Jana's league for looks and whatever the starlet may lose in points for only doing women, she gains in terms of passion, unlike these gals. There were five scenes and I'm not going to mince words here, each of the gals was weak at performing on camera, even if a couple of them knew their way around a dick. Here's a quick look at the scenes by cast and action, noting no condoms were used and the men were not identified at all:

Scene One: Katie, a skinny brunette in pigtails sporting an all natural body, was up first as she stripped and felt herself at the direction of someone off camera (it sounded like Joachim). Aside from a few moles and the traffic sounds coming through the walls (it sounded like they were filming at a studio in downtown during rush hour), there wasn't much to distract me (cough). She had a foreign version of the girl next door look to her and the mope she was stuck working with (the unnamed guy was third or fourth tier quality) seemed to think she was fine by the way he jammed his cock into her mouth for sucking. This led to some generic boning where her pussy accommodated him far too easily. They did it on the staircase and the denim couch, both showing the emotional range of two professionals that just met up. Her repetitive "oh yeah" was as convincing as a low end hooker trying to get a tip at the last moment, the vaginal creampie seeming authentic as it ran down her leg at the end for her to taste.

Scene Two: Maya, an older blonde with the look of a crocodile about her face (like she was fixing to take your wallet when your head was turned), was up next on the couch in her peach & black underwear. She stripped it off as though experienced in the quick version of a seductive act, her body reminding me of those mail order places where you hook up with someone from a foreign country that'll treat you like gold. While she looked older than most of the others, Joachim Kessef walked in at the end of the strip tease show with his erection and a smile, giving her something to aggressively work on. She was clearly no stranger to a cock in her mouth, applying a handjob in corkscrew fashion to enhance his pleasure. Blemishes aside, I liked her body (especially her ass) and her experienced dynamic made the scene better for me as she blew him, took his cock vaginally in aggressive fashion, and then did anal (though a lot slower). Fans of hair will enjoy her (as well as Katie) since it looked like she was given a quick once over with barber shears before the scene but the anal creampie looked very fake (coming from his half erect cock).

Scene Three: Julia, the lean but cute brunette from the front DVD cover in red, started off the next scene in the shower getting all cleaned up. She actually looked far better in person than on the cover, her muscular body appearing as fit as her face was fetching while she played with herself in the glass stall. She fingered her ass and tasted it several times before another unnamed loser entered the picture to go down on her. His fingering and oral elicited a response but it was terribly fake sounding and he performed on her with about the same level of skill as a back alley dentist, Julia continually getting her cues from behind the camera. The oral and screwing (both vaginal and anal) were okay but only if you were the guy since as a spectator, the mechanical acts were boring as often as not. Her ass looked best when it was bent over, particularly on the stool but I was close to turning off the sound after listening to her over the top moaning. The worst part was when he jerked off to the floor for her to play vacuum cleaner; licking it off the floor as though it meant something to her.

Scene Four: Oda, a plain looking brunette with a patch of pubic hair, was up next as she climbed onto the bed with a glass anal toy and started plundering her pucker very easily. Seeing the expansive toy slide in so easily reduced the level of appeal to me even more than her looks, though I'm sure I'd have been willing to wrap it twice and do her for ten bucks American if she included maid service in the morning. The up side for her was that she got to work with Joachim Kessef, not exactly top talent but the best male of the show by a wide margin and the limited hummer led to anal where she mechanically bobbed up and down on his cock with ease. They did do some vaginal but it was rare and she ended it by licking his cock as he rubbed out the wad into her mouth.

Scene Five: Oksana, another gal of questionable merit physically, at least had the distinction of pretty eyes as she diddled herself on the staircase with her pink top on. She motioned for the third generic moper to come over (all the guys except for the director looked so similar that they could have been brothers) and go down on her. The cars honking in the background of the flat were louder than she was (a nice change of pace over some of the other ladies) and he disrobed to get his blowjob. She always watched the camera and the effect was telling on the lack of chemistry for me but she proved to be another mechanical piece of meat in the scene, providing a pussy for him to stuff after that. It ended after several positions where she showed some energy at times, the vaginal creampie coming out of her looking as fake as the earlier one discussed.

Summary: The Czechs Are Cumming by director Joachim Kessef for release by Combat Zone was one of those titles that I should have known was going to suck when I saw his name on the cover. I have noticed some improvements by the guy on some of his previous movies but he still manages to appear ultra low budget compared to other directors at the company, serving the purpose of making them look better if nothing else can be said for him. The editing was sloppy, the creampies looked faked, and the advertised Behind the Scenes feature was MIA so I really had little to like about the DVD. In short, The Czechs Are Cumming was a Skip It to me for numerous reasons though if you want to see what a porno would be like applying moderately decent technical values with a cast of professional sex workers from the Czech Republic, by all means go get a copy.

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You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon



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