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Toastee Exposed


Studio: Vivid » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 7/2/07



XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Toastee Exposed

Vivid Entertainment

Genre: Amateur, Celebrity

Director: Uncredited

Cast: Jennifer Toof, uncredited male with small penis

Length: 24:19 minutes

Date of Production: 3/31/2006

Extra's: Okay, the version of this one that I got did not have the advertised "bonus disc" so whatever content that included will not be a part of this review. Should the full version make its way to me, I'll update the review but I believe in full disclosure and don't want any readers to email me that I was unfair to the release. The main disc had less than 25 minutes of action and a larger than average price tag (nearly twice as much as usual) so many of us, myself included, expect some decent extras to make up for it. Needless to say, getting assaulted by spam at the front of the DVD was a surprise. I'm not going to call some goofy 900 phone sex line, buy some crappy toy by a disgruntled former contract star, or check out the latest nonprescription performance enhancer hawked on a porno and I'm willing to bet most of you are likeminded. Otherwise, the disc included a short photogallery and a few trailers to other Vivid titles. That's it!

Update: Well, the final version came in and it had the expected five scenes from other productions and a wealth of trailers form some of the company's best titles of late. I know that isn't a lot and none of it is unique to the main action on disc one but it still added a lot of value for me, almost to the point of elevating the rating of the DVD set.

Condoms: None

-- sponsored by --

Audio/Video Quality: Toastee Exposed was presented in the standard 1.33:1 ratio full frame color as shot by an uncredited boyfriend (whose name is not Jeffrey according to media accounts) for distribution by Vivid Entertainment. I can only imagine what this one must have cost but I'll go into that later on in the review, focusing on the technical attributes for this section alone. The lighting was pretty good here and that limited the grain and video noise quite a bit. The shaky camera was probably what caused the originally reported 40 minutes to be chopped down to the 24 minutes offered up but I've seen worse looking gonzo camera work than the uncredited boyfriend provided too. I hope Vivid passes on giving the guy a contract but in fairness, he could have done worse and I have my own homemade tapes to prove it. The fleshtones were slightly off and the POV (point of view) hummer he got did not look up to par but it proved that guys with small cocks can get head too, albeit from a gal you wouldn't waste pocket change on until she gets her medical degree. The focus was set on automatic and it bounces around at times since he kept it so tightly zoomed in on her head but he did capture her enjoyment as he jerked off during the blowjob so at least it wasn't a complete waste of time for me to watch. The worst thing many of you will care about (other than the lack of sex that is) is that a large watermark for the show was located in plain view on the lower right hand corner of the screen the entire time. The video bitrate was often in the high 7 Mbps range and the 192 Kbps, 2.0 Dolby Digital English, was about what I expected for a home shot movie so don't expect much.

Body of Review: In recent years, the advent of the celebrity sex tape has caught the eye of the public for the same basic reason people read the scandal sheets at the grocery store check out line; the lure of the unknown. Let's face it, people simply want to see celebrities falling short of their public personas and the appeal of the lurid will always have that rubbernecker effect on some. It wasn't long ago that the Kim Kardashian release had people downloading clips off the internet to see what the fuss was about but like similar efforts from "Screech" and other pseudo-celebrities of the day, it fell far short of what people were told to expect. Just as that release has been pulled off the market and you thought you were safe, along comes the next wannabe celebrity tape in the form of Toastee Exposed, using the flavorful charms of a gal named Jennifer "Toastee" Toof as the spotlight figure of the show. Jennifer has had a bit role on two small reality TV shows on the under performing VH-1 music video channel (that's the one where old folks like me get to revel in music many porn fans find tame, old, and/or worn out) and I suspect if you asked most people in the world, they'd be clueless as to whom the gal is. Here's what the back DVD cover said about the show: "She caught Flava Flav's eye in VH1's Flavor of Love. And the rest of the world's eye in VH1's hit series Charm School. And she sure caught our eye in an xxx hardcore sex romp with her boyfriend. Toastee Exposed, Vivid Celeb's newest celebrity sex scandal, shows Toastee to be a veritable sexual contortionist with an uncontrollable appetite for sex. She's hot ... she's famous ... and you'll never see her like this on Charm School."

So, a bit role actress on a very marginal cable TV show that most guys wouldn't look twice at is now given celebrity status as she prepares for medical school (maybe she'll become a gynecologist for AIM). Lest you think she was without porn credentials before this release, keep in mind that she was fired from the cable shows when her history as a prolific nude model was discovered and she made movies as "Natalia the Scissors Vixen" (if not more titles for fetish work under different names). Here is a closer look at the footage itself for those who care, noting that no condoms were used in the blowjob she gave:

Okay, I'll keep this one as short as the DVD itself since there really wasn't a lot to discuss. The short film lasted under 25 minutes long and spent most of the time with Jennifer posing in her black dress, then nude, and then allowing some goofus male to feel her up before she gave his very small cock a blowjob. The good news is that unlike the recent Kim Kardashian video, this one did not use a lot of looped footage (none at all from what I could tell). There was less sex here too, unless you think a short hummer constitutes sex, and unlike some of her fetish work as Natalia the Scissors Vixen or the multitude of nude modeling she has done to pay for her schooling, she at least smiled a lot; appearing to be having fun.

On a related note, her flexibility and closely shaved beaver were commendable so while I would have enjoyed her putting them to better use, at least the lighting allowed for more than rare glimpses into her nether regions. The down side of all this is that her celebrity status as one of over a dozen skanky gals on a little watched VH-1 reality cable show (technically, two of them) and a guest appearance on the Tyra "I hate the porn industry" Banks Show really falls short of earlier efforts in the field. I know the same could be said about Kim's release but at least Kim was a hotty, not a gal you'd turn down at a third tier strip club for a lap dance. As always, your mileage will vary considerably with regard to the stroke value of the limited material here but don't go into it expecting much and you might find something to like if you don't blink too often.

Summary: Toastee Exposed by Vivid Entertainment, was most notable as a home shot birthday blowjob given by a coed to an uncredited guy that had camera skills in line with his sexual prowess so I rated the screener version of the DVD as a Skip It. Jennifer Toof is not much of a celebrity even after this release and short of her inventing the cure for cancer in her upcoming medical career, I think it is safe to say her 15 minutes of fame are long gone. The DVD had little stroke value for those of us into porn and Jennifer showed some limited potential that went largely unrealized here but the potential for this one to be marketed as a supplemental extra on releases of her reality TV show should they make it to DVD makes me think it could appeal to the trailer trash crowd. In short, while I found little worth stroking to in Toastee Exposed, you might think this reject of Flavor Flav is more appealing than the usual ladies Vivid brings us (like Lanny Barby, Monique Alexander, Stefani Morgan, and others that men and women alike enjoy watching) so take what I wrote with the proverbial grain of salt but don't expect it to live up to the hype either.

For other, far greater choices in porn, check out: 2006's Top Porn List, 2005's Top Porn List, 2004's Top Porn List, and 2003's Top Porn List as well as the latest Blue Room Column.

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You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon



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