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Homegrown Video 717

Studio: Home Grown Video » Review by Chris Knight » Review Date: 11/5/07

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

CAST: Angela, Annabelle, Ruby, Jessie

The Main Event
There's something special about watching people who aren't getting paid get their rocks off. After all, that means they actually enjoy what they're doing and (most of the time) they want you to see them do it. It's just sexier seeing someone you normally wouldn't see crammed full of cock get the shaft, which is the whole point of the attraction of the MILF or girl next door. Apparently, it's an attraction shared by many, considering this DVD is the 717th edition of the amateur hardcore showcase. Surprisingly, this is my first experience with this series, but after watching this four-scene mess, I realize I've been lucky up until this point. Consider me lucky no more.

AngelaAngela reminds me of an older Britney Spears with smaller tits, but considering she met her guy by fucking him in a day strip bar on the Fourth of July, she's got just as much class. Her partner here is your classic guido, complete with a wifebeater tank and slicked-back hair. Together, they make a pair I'd probably pass up if I saw them through an open window. Between her tattoos, nasty ear-stetching earrings and pierced pussy, it's not surprising that her fuckbuddy can't get a hard-on, despite wearing two cockrings. He manages to plump up enough though a shared session of oral to stuff his limp pole into Angela from behind, eventually switching to a very brief cowgirl ride. A bit of straight-up missionary screwing puts a cap on this underwhelming scene, before he pops in her mouth. The biggest problem here is the camera, which annoyingly goes out of focus, and ends up in too many close-ups, preventing us from enjoying the action. No great shakes here, but sadly, this is the best on this disc.

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[Angela | Fingering, Oral (M/F), Vaginal | Doggie, Cowgirl, Missionary | Condoms: No | ]

AnnabelleAnnabelle is an older, chubby chick, with short reddish hair and a set of fat titties that sport a pair of nice big areolas. She's also got that awful habit of thinking that whispering is hot, so she spouts a ton of ridiculous sexy-talk that will make your dick shrivel. After warming up with some rubbing and fingering, our girl takes on a black cock, sucking on it in one of the worst blow-jobs ever committed to video, as she barely even gets her mouth on the head. When she's done insulting the concept of oral, she gets it from a new white pal, while she manages to avoid really sucking off her darker-skinned friend. In the end, the pathetic excuse for a three-way ends with a pop-shot on her back and no release for our black knight. Though the sex is lame, what's worse is a total lack of penetration on screen. They cuold simply be faking it for all we know, as there's little heat and even less visual proof of anything happening.
[Annabelle | Masturbation, Toy Play, Oral (M/F), Vaginal, Three-Way, Rimming | Doggie | Condoms: No | ]

RubyThe amateur equivalent of "concept porn," this scene is strong competition for one of the worst porno scenes I've ever seen. It doesn't start out well, with Ruby, a trashy blond with awful tats and lovely implant scars, though she is wearing glasses, so she's obviously smart. She's in what looks like a closet that's filled with trash. In a twist, underneath all that trash is a cock that she works on with her mouth, but she's apparently not doing the trick, as she has to tie off his dick with a shoelace to manage any kind of chubby. She plays with herself as he lies beneath, uses her feet to rub his junk and then it ends. Suddenly, she's dressed, standing at a massage table, waiting for her Tommy Lee wannabe. After a few moments, she says "I'm getting impatient and very bored." That makes two of us. She gives him a massage, showing off her wonderful ass acne, before positioning herself for some 69. For all we know though, he could be asleep, as he barely can get it up. But somehow, he manages to cum from her BJ, bringing the party to an end. No sex, no joy for us.
[Ruby | Masturbation, Oral (M), Footplay | N/A | Condoms: No | ]

JessieIf Ruby has competition for the worst scene on this disc, it's from Jessie, another trashy blonde, with awful underwear, an unattractive face and saggy tits with misshapen nipples. From her hairy snatch to her terrifying nips, there's nothing sexy about this girl, and her constant joking and laughing doesn't help at all. After masturbating for a while and playing with those nightmare-inducing breasts, for some reason she gets dressed and they undresses again before assaulting herself with a vibrator. Truthfully, I was more interested in why there was so much outdated computer gear around than in the girl. In fact, that nipple may have turned me gay.
[Jessie | Masturbation, Toy Play | N/A | Condoms: N/A | ]


The full-frame video on this disc is way too good for home-video quality, as the lighting is appropriate, the image is, for the most part, rather sharp-looking (with the exception of the first scene.) The camerawork could be better, but if it's supposed to be amateur, it makes sense. The audio on the other hand is hit or miss, as the Dolby Digital 2.0 soundtrack, which has no music, can get to be rather quiet in spots, but again, it's supposed to be amateur.


The 13-minute blooper reel included here is actually hysterical, though nothing is from this disc. The only time it falters is when it turns to dialogue flubs, which are less entertaining. You also get a bonus scene from volume 648, starring Claudine, a Betty Page-era brunette with big tits and a hairy gash. Some toy play and cocksucking leads into a reverse-cowgirl ride that features good angles and an internal pop, for cream-pie fans. The rest of the extras are ads for phone sex, web sites and videos.

Concluding Words

Unless you really get off on uninspired sex, abortive attempts at sex, and mediocre-looking women, there have to be better amateur DVDs out there. The only thing worth checking out is the blooper-reel, which is hardly a reason to force the rest of the scenes on you. Look elsewhere for your voyeuristic thrills.

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