VOICE CAST: George St. Therd, David Lord, Kristin Taylor, Yoshi, Steve Iron, Mr. Sleazy
PRODUCTION DATE: N/A
The Main Event
Porn doesn't have to be special. It's value is not in big names or
fancy sets or special effects. It just has to feature some pretty
people and some hot sex. Yet we frequently get attempts to do something
unique or different, like a musical. Sometimes this works, resulting in
a movie like Pirates. Other times, we get Pinks.
around four street races, the movie pairs off drivers and their women
in five scenes of computer-animated sex. While regular human porn can
easily get repetitive, animated porn is much worse, thanks to the need
to render or draw every movement. Certainly, the budget and animation
talent here doesn't compare to a film like Shrek, so the scenes are
limited to a select group of actions, which are repeated again and
again, with minor variations. Even the faces maintain a somewhat
consistent look, which is odd in itself.
animation doesn't turn you off, the dialogue will, as it comes off like
a parody of bad porn speak. Lines like "If you ever bet my pussy, I'll
kill you and eat your balls," or "I love to ride big cocks," will make
you laugh instead of being sexy, while the moaning is way more
excessive than your usual porno, to make up for the shortcomings in the
-- sponsored by --
Establishing the low bar for this movie, Nick wins a bet over a street race, and as a result, he gets to fuck Kitty, his opponent's Asian girlfriend. A rooftop screw session starts with a repetitive standing face-to-face fuck, before trying out a few more positions in mind-numbingly long segments. While they bang on the roof, Jeanine, Nick's girl, is playing with herself inside. There's more bad dialogue than hot action in this one.
[Nick, Kitty, Jeanine | Oral (M), Masturbation, Vaginal | Standing, Doggie, Reverse Cowgirl | Condoms: No | ]
For losing a race, the one guy's Latin girlfriend (one of two twins) has to fuck the lady driver he lost to. The lesbionic adventure takes place first on her car and then on the ground, as she eats pussy and gets digital. The fingerbanging goes on forever, with no real payoff.
[Street Racer, Mira or Vanessa | Oral (F), Fingering | N/A | Condoms: N/A | ]
The black couple in the film, Jamal and his girl, haven't gotten in on the racing action, because she refuses to allow him to use her as currency. So instead, they go in an alley and bang. Another repetitive fuck ensues, as Jamal gives it to her against a wall and on top of a pallet before releasing one of the neatest cum shots ever.
[Jamal, His Bitch | Vaginal | Doggie, Missionary | Condoms: No | ]
In what's basically the film's climax, the lady racer lets Nick win so he gets the chance to fuck her. A more involved session of sex follows, but it's still subject to the film's limitations, keeping things strictly doggie and missionary. Boring, but better than most of the stuff on this disc.
[Street Racer, Nick | Oral (F), Vaginal | Missionary, Doggie | Condoms: No | ]
The epilogue explains where the police have been during all this street racing, as the creatively-named Officer Woody is getting blown by a blonde ho in his cruiser. A simplistic blow job ends in another silly money shot that's all over the place.
[Office Woody, Some Whore | Oral (M) | N/A | Condoms: No | ]
Now, the animators on
this film are doing way better work than I ever could, but that doesn't
mean it's good. A lack of textures, insufficient shaders and sub-par
techniques result in shiny Barbie dolls with mechanical movements and
balls with hard edges. The animation makes the sex pretty silly as
well, as breasts move in unnatural ways, vaginas either remain
completely rigid or oddly shift shapes, and the cum shots look more
piss than anything remotely resembling baby batter. That it randomly
moves around without any observance of the reality of liquids, makes it
all the more ridiculous. Once in a while, a detail will impress, like a
reflection in a car, but that you even notice it tells you all that's
wrong with the movie. Though the full-frame movie is cleanly delivered
in terms of the color and clarity, there's a substantial amount of
compression artifacts and pixilation.
The sound is a
Dolby Digital 5.1 track, but the audio sits in the center channel and
sides, and sounds pretty good, for what there is. The sound of sex,
your squishes and slaps and whatnot, are rarely present though, which
is yet another disappointment.
The extras aren't going to draw anyone in, with a photo gallery of stills from the
film, some trailers, a web link, French subtitles, and direct access to the sex in
adult movie, Pinks is quite possibly the worst porno I have ever had
the misfortune of experiencing. The problems are many, and without the
budget and capabilities of a Pixar or Dreamworks, there's little chance
of solving them, though some of the issues lay squarely on the
participants, including awful dialogue and bad acting. Avoid this at
all costs, unless curiosity gets the better of you and you need to see
what pixel-powered pumping looks like.