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Barely Legal Christmas


Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 12/10/07



XCritic's Advice: Highly Recommended

Congratulate me, reader, this is officially the first Christmas themed porno I've ever seen, and you can bet your bottom dollar that with a title like "Barely Legal Christmas," I was anxious to see what Hustler had to offer. Would it be just an average barely legal porno only with the holiday theme slapped on, or would it be a genuine home run that would make me look at candy canes on a different wavelength forever? Simply put: Hustler didn't let me down, and this was a stocking stuffer I was ready to rewatch as many times as "A Christmas Story." I'm ready for Kum Filled Kwanzaa and Chanukah whores whenever you are, Hustler. "Barely Legal Christmas" IS in actuality just a barely legal porn with the Christmas theme since it's more just a compilation of scenes from other films, but the set up is so funny I loved it anyway. If you're going to do a compilation of other movie scenes, at least tell the buyer that before they invest money on this.

Ringing in the Christmas theme, director Tanner goes all out providing a hilarious and neat set up featuring skimpily clad hot female elves with their voices raised higher than the Chipmunks discussing the intricacies of Christmas and how women want dildos and not toys. You just have to love the first five minutes of this movie, it's funny, it's in good humor, and each performer puts a great deal of comedic effort in the set-up. The hook is that the elves are reading letters from young women to Santa Claus attempting to convince him that they are nice and not naughty, but Santa, who refers to Sasha Grey as a whore, is not buying it. And we enter the holiday reading list...

First Day of XXXMas: Sasha Grey
Sasha is a girl who refuses to do well on her tests and rather than study up and bone up, she'd prefer just breaking into her teacher's house to steal the answers and cheat. But things don't go as she plans, as you can imagine. Sasha Grey is absolutely stunning, and looks great in her schoolgirl outfit. She gets caught by her teacher who is lounging on the couch. The teacher, whose accent is so thick it's difficult to hear him say anything, goes easy on Sasha who is convincing and funny in her scandalous plea for innocence and instead persuades him to go easy while going hard. Sasha has a firm body and is a highlight for the movie. She bends over to entice her teacher who grabs onto her plump ass and then spreads her out to eat her on his couch. The set up is just grand and the delivery works. Sasha Grey looks like she's having a blast and the segment heats up as teacher goes to down on her pussy, while she fondles herself in arousal.

She then leans over to take all of his cock in her mouth as he forces her head down insisting on the deep throat, and she stroke him while sucking down and shooting it in and out. Kissing the shaft, she leans over and cups his balls with her lips and strokes him off, and leans over again to suck him off furiously. Next, she props herself on his knee with both feet on his thighs and takes it up her pussy while she cries out. Tanner sucks us in to the scene and provides some stellar camera angles that really add to the sexual passion. Sasha is a petite woman, but she rides the cock well and her wide scenes are great. She screams in pure euphoric bliss being pounded while stroking her own cunt, and then leans over to suck teacher off lapping at the shaft. She turns over and now takes it up the ass, both cheeks propped in the air in all its glory. Grey's ass is magnificent. She's then spread out again for teacher to pound her slowly and smoothly as she cries out barely catching her breath. Getting creative, he leans and twists her fucking her ass as her leg is spread near her neck and finally teacher just flat out pounds her ass as she screams along the couch, leading to a great photo finish.

Second Day of XXXMas: Ashley Blue
"Whore! Lying Selfish Whore!" Damn, that Santa has a potty mouth! No Macy's this year. Ashley Blue and her boyfriend are looking for a new house, and considering they're not really that old to buy one, they don't have much of a chance. But as the realtor ducks out to give them time to "think about it," Ashley has a plan to be bad. They instantly land on the couch, with Blue spreading her gorgeous legs revealing flowery panties, and they're deciding to use the time as much as they can. Blue and co. get started very quickly, in spite of the fact the letter is never quite finished as they begin. But who cares? Blue looks fantastic and her panties were an instant turn on. Blue's boy toy lays her out on the couch kissing her tits and caressing her body as she writhes and giggles from the naughty nature they're inflicting on the household. Boyfriend eats at Blue's furry pussy hungrily, licking and nibbling while Blue lays with a wide smile, enjoying the bout of privacy given. Blue even takes the fetal position as her boyfriend nibbles on her clit. She finally reciprocates giving her man a heavy passionate blow job, and revels at cupping his balls, writing on the couch. Naturally, he begins feeling up on her ass as she giggles, and Blue is shockingly a girl I'd never suspect is a porn star. She doesn't have that look to her and yet she's hot.

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After embracing and nibbling on her tits, he props Ashley along his knee and lap and fucks her as she rides the cock anxiously with her legs spread wide. She rides him had and long, pounding and hopping on his cock as he groans clutching her waist in an attempt to grab control, but Blue continues and makes this a hotter segment than it should have been. He even puts her arms behind her back but she doesn't submit. She leans back along his chest and takes the cock hard as he squeezes her tits and then turns to ride him cowboy style. Tanner grabs as many close-ups of cock pounding as possible taking two different angles repeatedly and then showing Ashley getting pounded with her ass turned to the camera. Ashley is finally dominated, her leg high in the air and right tit being squeezed as she loses balance and takes it in hard. Though her attempted acting during the fucking is weak, it's just great to see Blue fucked hard from behind, and Tanner grabs the right angle exposing Blue's great legs. She's again propped up along her boyfriend's knees to take it hard up the ass, and in spite of the weak slow motion, it works. The finisher is classic, and yes, they don't get the house. Did I spoil it?

Third Day of XXXMas: Penny Flame
Penny Flame has the best name ever, and her segment is typical, sadly. She's a hot girl trying to get past security and does it by enticing the guard who likes them young. Suffice it to say she gets in and pays the toll. Flame has a great ass with a hot tattoo along the small of her back, and the guard chomps on her plump ass with Flame bent over enjoying the rimming. The guard takes all of Flame's pussy in his mouth propping her along the top of the couch and she sticks her ass high in the air enjoying the pre-show. She then leans over to suck him off with legs wagging back and forth, and goes down deep on him as her mate feels up her ass. She works the shaft for a while and finally works her around to his lap. Zeroing in on Flame's gorgeous ass, she begins riding her cohort hard and fast, shoving it into her cunt as she screams out, clutching the couch. She again works the shaft, sucking him off and then turns with legs spread wide to ride him backward taking him in deep. He spread her out along the couch on her back and fucks her as she lifts her left leg along the couch and pounds her deep and hard. He then clutches her left tit and pounds her hard, as Penny screams out and grips the arm of the couch anxiously, paying off with another photo finisher. Flame is hot, but sadly the segment is pretty flat and repetitive.

Fourth Day of XXXMas: Nautica Thorn
Nautica is a girl that's seriously making Santa rethink children altogether, but the elves argue in her favor. Nautica, a French braided flannel donning hottie is out by the lake bored out of her brain attempting to pass the time as she goes on about her family's obsession over fishing. Stuck in a forest one day, she attempts to cross a lake and comes across a fishing stranger who happens to be watching her and is frustrated over his lack of catch for the day. And he catches her pissing in the lake, which leads to a confrontation between them. Taking advantage, the two go off on their own since Nautica doesn't seem to be too annoyed at his voyeurism and they drift back to her cabin. The set up is mighty long, so long that I assumed we were watching a low budget dramedy instead of a porno, but I'm patient. Finally, they end up in Nautica's room where the two playfully undress and begin making out. Nautica's tits are perky and gorgeous with nipples that stick out like darts. The stranger begins working her clit, eating her out as she clutches the head board, and then begins furiously fingering her as she writhes and jams his finger into her mouth.

Two fingers enter as she cries out and Nautica sucks at his fingers. Nautica looks great sucking down on the fingers, and goes to work on his cock leaning over on the bed working the shaft with her ass high in the air. Nautica looks great working on her new friend's cock, and soon he's beside her fucking her ass furiously, with her legs high in the air. Nautica then lifts herself along the bed as her new friend pounds at her pussy below, and what a shot it is. Nautica's body is a work of art, and she takes the pounding beautifully; she then crouches down to take it up the ass riding him hard, and he then kneels over to fuck Nautica's plump ass as she groans and grasps onto the bed. He then mounts her, dominating her and fucks her as she screams into the bed, and finishes off with a bang.

Fifth Day of XXXMas: Paulina James
Paulina's set up is noticeably rushed as the scene is oddly quickened in pace with the elves reading her testimonial. As usual, Paulina is a young girl who has had a box of naughty materials delivered to her neighbor's house to prevent being punished by her parent's, and comes across the house's caretaker who catches her in the act. This caretaker is of course a buff chiseled man who has the luck of coming across Paulina in the act. Refusing to let her have the box and threatening to turn her in, Paulina attempts to persuade him not to snitch, and in ways only that would happen only in the world of porn. Paulina's luck changes as soon as the caretaker's friend shows up, and they instantly begin double teaming her much to her surprise. Propping her up on the box, the two men go to work on her tits, licking and kissing her. Slipping off her short short shorts, Paulina reveals a white G-String clinging to her gorgeous tan body, and leans over to suck the caretaker off, working his shaft as the friend eats her ass out.

He mounts her and begins fucking her from behind as she sucks off the caretaker, while apologizing for the "theft." What a way to punish her. In spite of her apologies, she continues sucking him off. She switches and the caretaker has a go at her, fucking her hard while she sucks off his lucky friend. Again, Paulina switches and sucks off the caretaker deep throating his cock, while dominated by his lucky friend, until she mounts him and rides his cock hard while sucking the caretaker. The motions are really rather humdrum as Paulina switches back and forth and there's not much to be done here. Paulina is hot, no doubt, but there's not too much creativity to be had. Paulina turns fucked by the caretaker up her ass, and rides him while, you guessed it, sucking off the friend, and is then spread out along the couch fucked hard and sucks off her mates, all ending with a finisher from the two lucky men and Paulina.

Sixth Day of XXXMas: Alexa Jordan, Aarielle Alexis
Santa's elves Alexa and Aarielle sit on his lap and bemoan his discipline on the young innocent girls who succumbed to their lust, and rib him about his chubbiness. Getting into the spirit of the holiday and deciding to salvage an otherwise boring letter session, Santa's elves get down and dirty and finally I sing a happy tune. Alexa and Aarielle look absolutely hot in their costumes and Tanner finishes this compilation off right. Succumbing to their own lust, they begin making out, and Alexis is undressed by Jordan who licks at her petite tits and jabs at her pussy. Alexis flings her long tongue along Jordan's pierced clit, and invites the buff Santa over to play. Santa takes out his own Christmas treat as Alexis goes down on him sucking his cock in delight, and the two suck him off deep throating him and licking up and down the shaft.

Alexis mounts hunky Santa and begins riding his cock showing off her long legs, red stockings, and mistletoe mid drift squeezed down under her hot tits, screaming and moaning as she cums. "Is Santa a good fuck?" Alexis asks while fucking herself with a green vibrator. Santa mounts Jordan's large ass and dominates her, fucking her deep and hard, while Alexis fingers herself. Alexis sucks down on Santa, and he quickly continues fucking Jordan up the ass. Both elves go to work on Santa's cock licking and chomping down on him. Jordan bends over, and Santa goes to town fucking her up the ass and pounding her as Alexis giggles and eggs him on. Santa props Jordan with her legs spread and fucks her, and she rides him while Alexis rides the dildo in the background, kissing and nibbling on her fellow elf. Santa finally has a finish on his two naughty elves and Christmas is saved! Gotsa love hot elves and their power of persuasion.

Audio/Visuals:
The visuals are perfect for this movie with a sharp and bright picture quality. Adding to the holiday theme, the colors of red and green are vibrant on screen and the costumes of the elves bounce off the screen. This remastered DVD is presented in widescreen and boasts a great quality. The sound is great never going off balance with every segment presented. The sound is most important here as I wanted to hear what the elves said to Santa and I was able to enjoy the exchanges between the performers well.

Goodies:
When I see "Behind the Scenes" listed on a DVD for a porn flick, I want a meaty behind the scenes feature damn it. At twenty minutes "Behind the Scenes" shows off the hot elves assembling toys and shows some interviews with Santa's elves including Alexis who discusses her purpose in the movie and models her hot body for the interviewer. I'm not usually a fan of interviews with porn stars as it kind of demystifies them, but the interview with Alexis is fun and her confession that her parents aren't fully aware of what she does is funny. In the end, they could have called this "Interviews" more than "Behind the Scenes," but otherwise, Alexa is an interesting woman. Even if the interviewer is utterly annoying at times. There's also a hilarious "Slideshow" featuring the two hot elves posing with Santa Claus, showing off their great bodies and making this one of the few slideshows I can sit through. Beyond them there are just nothing but the usual trailers from Hustler and VCA, as well as ads for sex hotlines, and websites. Beyond the first two extras, it's all standard drab stuff. There is also a Select a Star function on the DVD that allows you to choose your segment based on the porn star you enjoy the most.

After Thought:
As holiday treat, "Barely Legal Christmas" is great for those who haven't seen all the "Barely Legal" titles. But for those familiar with the series, this may not be worth your money. Otherwise, I had a lot of fun and a pure blast with the fun set-up and great finisher. My suggestion? "Barely Legal Christmas" should be a yearly treat like "Charlie Brown Christmas," and Egg Nog. Leave it for that time and it will always retain its fresh flavor. Happy Holidays!


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