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Burning Angel.com: The Movie

Studio: Burning Angel Entertainment » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 12/15/07

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

Surprisingly, Joanna Angel is a woman I'd love to just sit down and talk with. The common declaration among porn fans I hear often is "I'd fuck her," but mainly I'd love to sit down and talk with Angel. Sure she's drop dead hot, but she's also a person I'd kill to just chat with and converse because this woman has enough brains, charm, and charisma to warrant a sit down and getting to know you. "Burning Angel.com" is sadly a miss for me mainly because Angel barely keeps up her end of the bargain leading the charge in a title named after the cash cow she created. So folks expecting Angel to be here front and center will be brutally disappointed to find nothing but bland sex scenes with Angel, and flat interviews by Angel who barely mutters any sense of a word. For lovers of the rock bands featured, porn, and alt porn, you will be disappointed at the offering here, and I sadly expected more from Angel.

Nancy Jade, Kylee & Johnny Spritz in 106.9 FFM
Looking like something out of cable access, we zone in on the threesome first in black and white, then replay, and replay, and replay, and then quickly dive into Jade and Kylee making out and kissing on Spritz. The clothes come off and the two begin sucking him off and blowing him while rock music blares to deafening proportions in the background. This is obviously just a segment meant to keep the porn audience happy because it's a pretty confusing and irritating opener. As Jade sucks Spritz off, Kylee sucks her tits and fondles her, and then switches off with her. Spritz lies along the bed and the two go to work on his cock yet again, sucking passionately. Jade goes to work on Spritz sucking, jerking him off and licking his balls, and then Kylee. Showboating for the camera, Kylee mounts Spritz who eats her pussy, all the while she gazes and poses, giving us the occasional moan and smirks as Jade goes down on Spritz yet again. Jade eats out Kylee's pussy, as Spritz fucks her from behind, and then fucks Jade while Kylee rubs her tits. Frankly it's all a very tedious and amateurish opening and not in the good sense. I wasn't turned on, I wasn't sucked in, and I hoped that this wasn't all there was.

Interview with Eighteen Visions
Oh, Joanna, I love ya gal, but you really need coaching on interviews. "Do you guys like... porn?" Eighteen Visions replies with a genuine disbelief and tedious yawn and then pretty much just admit that everyone does. Which guy doesn't like porn? Eighteen Visions seem tired and bored and they're never as enthusiastic as I wish they could be. I likened this DVD to Juliya Chernetsky's interviews from Fuse. Juliya was sexy, charismatic and surely enough she knew how to give interviews, and Joanna doesn't really hold the candle. We don't learn too much about the band, they don't seem to have any fun, and they don't have much to say about porn. The interesting thing about this interview though is that the band mates of Eighteen Visions pretty much bash over our heads that they aren't gay. They don't seem to find amusement in it (who would?), and even end up looking to the camera to mutter "We aren't gay. We aren't gay. We aren't gay." Dude, we get it, want a back rub?

Sleazy Pete & Presley Paige in She Don't Lie
Paige is absolutely hot and goddamn is she an alt porn star I'd gladly star with. But yet again we're treated to a music video disguised as a segment where rock music blares over the television, and we zoom in, zap around, and cut quickly on a naked Paige. Pete goes down on her and fingers her as she groans along a couch, and yes, looks great. Before they even get started, Paige cums hard and drips from her pussy, and Pete continues to lap it up. Though repetitive, Paige is a dynamite looker, and I couldn't help but be aroused at her pigtails and tats. Pete stands and lets Paige do some work as she sits up and sucks him off hungrily while he clutches to her hair. After endless gobbling of his cock, Pete eats out Paige's gorgeous ass, and upon her command, stands to take her in the back and pound her against the couch. He lies her down and fucks her pussy with her leg high in the air, and Paige mounts Pete riding his cock slowly, and then begins to furiously ride him.

Interview with Killswitch Engage

-- sponsored by --

KE looks bored and a bit shy to admit that they're fans of porn, but Angel improves. She's giddier, more outrageous and shows off some of the cuteness that makes her a draw. It's funny to see the drummer admit that he's a fan of midget porn and Angel displays a sense of hilarity in response. Angel's presence is better and I think she expected them to admire her and not Jenna Jameson, but that's the type of rude awakening none of us want. We learn nothing about Killswitch Engage, but it's a funny interview. I wish we'd get a glimpse at the bands backstories.

Joanna Angel & Tommy Pistol in Rooftop Access
This is what I was hoping we'd get: a genuine segment with Ms. Angel giving us what we paid for. I was fearful she'd just be a non-entity in this and we'd see some other schmuck interviewing rockers, but she gives us what we want. Another music video posing as a porn segment, Angel shows off her hot ass and gorgeous tits and makes out with Pistol clutching his cock as he licks her tits. Quickly she jerks him off and sucks him whilst acknowledging the camera, and tit fucks him. She leans over and Pistol eats her ass out while she clutches the wall moaning. Upon her comman, he mounts her and butt fucks her and goes en route to her pussy fucking her hard. Pistol lies on the floor and Angel mounts him riding him hard and long, sucks him off with a gross but funny finisher.

Interview with My Chemical Romance
Ah, finally a band I recognize. Angel is a weird interviewer, because she looks like she's bored, nervous, and shy all at the same time and I don't know how that's possible. She interviews like she's at a wedding and My Chemical Romance are huddled together gazing blankly at the camera, and when Angel fishes for funny stories on the road, they admit that there's nothing to tell, and talk about their love for video games and action figures. Worse yet, they ramble on and on about Dungeons & Dragons to Angel whose own mic distorts her own voice. She asks about their love for porn and almost blatantly fishes for compliments from them when asking about their favorite porn websites, and favorite pornstars until finally blurting, "Do you like Burningangel.com or anything?" And they evade the question. Angel seems to have fun, though, and the interview is better.

Jezebelle Bond & Damian in Rock 'N Hole
Bond and Damian make out near a window, and Damian kneels down to suck on her tits as she giggles and moans. Bond is gorgeous, and is yet another in the compilation that really aroused me. Damian leans Bond over smacking her ass, and grabs her tits kissing her. He leans her over again smacking her with his cock, and she turns to blow him, first teasing him, and then letting him spread her out and fondle her. He eats her pussy out and fingers her, and she leans over to suck his cock, lapping his head and licking up and down the shaft. She leans over sucking him, and Damian takes advantage probing her hole, and spanking her large ass angrily. She finally strips and rides him backwards, revealing her glorious pierced clit, and leans over as Damian mounts her and slowly butt fucks her. She crawls up Damian and mounts his body as he cradles her wide spread body in his arms and pounds her standing up and they fall to the couch with Bond continuing her fucking leading to a soaked finisher.

Interview with Shadows Fall
I've decided that Angel looks shy and nervous, yes, I thought about it. Standing between the two band mates, Angel mugs for the camera with a slight anxious smirk and fishes for more compliments but has a charming rapport with the two, discussing the glory of Traci Lords, and giggling. But then the guitarist admits the he shouldn't have been interviewed because he simply doesn't watch porn and things get a little awkward. But Angel saves it by continuing the fun interplay with vocalist Ben who actually tries to talk about the band and what they do.

Joanna Angel & Pressley Paige in 9021HO
This segment starts off with a refreshing change of pace. Angel interrupts the interview standing at a doorway explaining that she heard about Paige and thought she'd see what a dildo fucking with her would be like. Not only is it a great set up, with girl on girl with the two hottest players in the flick, but Angel is very blase about it which is hotter. Paige and Angel immediately begin making out and stroll to the bed with Paige dominating, showing off her gorgeous ass and mounting Angel. Angel slips off Paige's bra and sucks her tits smiling for the camera, and the two giggle as they make out and fondle one another. Stripping down, they embrace kissing and rolling around. Paige rubs up and down on Angel and kisses her tits. The slide over to the pillows and continue making out as Paige fondles Angel and slides down to eat her pussy out. They wrestle for a big and Angel takes control stripping Paige down much to her amusement, and Angel eats her out furiously, ass raised in the air. Angel pulls out a large glass dildo from the drawer and they fondle it, licking the shaft up and down. Paige penetrates Angel slowly as she moans, mouth agape, and then turns it on Paige. Angel leans against the wall as Paige fucks her with it, and kisses her up and down her back, finishing off with a make out session and assorted giggles.

The Dillinger Escape Plan
To close out the proceedings, here's yet another weird and awkward interview as Yorn and Ben really don't speak too often. They look bored as well and really smile wide as Angel struggles to keep the interview afloat. Surprisingly, it picks up as they explain their band and some of the funnier tour stories involving dildos. Angel fishes for more plugs for her website and Yorn admits to not having seen it and explains where their bassist is. It's compelling, I know. I just expected Angel to have more of a personality and louder presence in these interviews, and she sadly doesn't deliver. She mumbles, she hides behind the camera, and never really seems to know the bands she's talking to, not to mention the porn questions serve only two purposes: To keep this all porn oriented, and plug her website. There's nothing wrong with either per se, but a little more subtlety goes a long way.

The interviews just look worse than the segments. The picture is too bright, the lights blare into the screen, and when we revert to the segments, they're edited too hastily to watch and or enjoy. The details are too distorted behind the fuzzy camera work and Angel is never close enough to ogle, beyond her two sex scenes. As for the segments they're too incoherent to enjoy. The audio varies. The music and voices for the segments sound great, but once we get into the interviews, it's difficult to understand Angel who talks so close to the mic she's hard to understand, and she waves the mic around so much we sometimes don't hear the band mates too well.

Just when I think that we're in for a great change of pace and will get something entertaining, the "Behind the Scenes" shows some genuinely great peaks at the making of the segments and some hilarious outtakes... at only two minutes! Shit, not even this can really pay off. This is a fun "Behind the Scenes" feature, but it's barely enough to entertain because it's so damn fleeting. Furthermore, there are the "Production Stills" which are really nothing more than stills from the movie and some set pictures and clock in at nearly six minutes, which makes no sense considering the actual "Behind the Scenes" was only under two minutes. Something's off there. "Girl Galleries" is a little better as it lets you look at stills of the performers here, including Joanna. That Presley Paige is heavenly. There are also clips to movies you can only see at BurningAngel.com.

After Thought:
It's frankly about as boring as "Suicide Girls: The First Tour," and really doesn't live up to the potential it has. Joanna Angel phones in her interviews, the rockers look bored, the sex scenes are hit or miss. I still love Joanna Angel, and this isn't the one I was expecting. Did she get left at FOX News or something?

Follow Crimson Clown: https://twitter.com/DeltonProuse

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