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Thick White Asses

Studio: Adam & Eve » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 1/5/08

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

Ladies and Gentleman, I direct your attention to studio con exhibit A, a movie that promotes itself to be four hours, and basically boasts a bevy of beautiful women with thick white asses, but what you will not know upon purchasing this is that this is merely a pastiche of repackaged segments from many different porn titles from Adam and Eve. Yes, this is a repackaged, slapped together series of segments from other titles and not its own movie. Barring any surprises, I immediately found myself disappointed, and actually felt outright insulted. Even in spite of the presence of Isabella Soprano, this is nothing more than a repackaged clip series, and one that is destined to take your money if you're not careful. At four hours the DVD purports to give you your money's worth but it is not. I take great shame on the people who packaged this recycled clip show, and when I can show great shame about a DVD to people who fuck for a living, you know you've done wrong. No more, studios. No more. Perhaps for a guy like me who doesn't see everything on the shelf, this may, just may be a good enough clip series, but for the person out there who watches porn after porn, you'd best save your money and move on.

There are altogether fourteen different twenty minute segments, many of which just fast forward through some of the good stuff and intent on moving us along for the hell of it. Thus you feel like you're watching the cheap website previews on pay for porn websites. I really couldn't list all of them since they're vast in numbers, so I'll instead run down them one by one briefly and without much haste. In the clip from "Make Love to My Ass: Flower & Jerry," Flower is standing over Jerry letting him measure her ass, lying below her and taking notes, and she giggles questioning his measuring methods, but he wants her to come a little closer. Surely enough she crouches down eye to hole, and she begins to finger herself in arousal as he writes in his notes. Soon enough he puts aside the note pad and begins eating out her ass as she rides his face moaning and writing, clutching his knees. I was genuinely fearful the guy may suffocate in her ass cheeks, which would lead to a hilarious story for the ambulance for decades to come, but alas, he came up for air, twiddling his tongue in her hole and parting her cheeks.

As for "Just Popped In!: Mia & Byron" It's hard to describe my reaction to this segment. First it was confusion, then bewilderment, then sheer disbelief, and then a roarous bout of wild laughter that erupted from me after I realized that this wasn't being played for comedy. Not in the least. Mia is a cute enough girl, but goddamn her acting or seductive monologue is hysterical. She sounds like a bored sex line operator mixed with an automated answering service, and she's as charismatic as one of the dancing Santas at the grocery store. "I'm.So.Horny.I.Want.Cock..." And then the confusion set in when Mia began feeling her crotch muttering, "Where.Is.My.Big.Cock?" To which I thought, "Great, they accidentally included a Tranny porn segment. And she's not going to stop until she finds her cock." But surely enough, partner Byron thankfully shut her up and walks over shoving his big cock in her mouth, to which I displayed a sigh of relief that something could shut her up. The exchange between the two is also rather obnoxious as they go on about the intricacies about big cocks and why he should have a big cock and why he isn't hard with her. The whole time Mia sounds like a drunk mom seducing her son's friends. Mia does have a great ass and even though she doesn't stop talking, she's hot in a sleazy kind of way, and Byron tears her ass up well.

With "New Scene: Kami, Kamen, & Rick," this was an interesting set up but surely enough I didn't get too into it mainly because Kami wasn't my cut of meat. She's a bit cross eyed, and plain and though it sounds mean, I just wasn't into her. She's a buttaface. And you know what? I didn't care about the story of how they found the production crew, and the little anecdote about getting caught having sex. Just fuck. Whatever happened to porn directors staying behind the damn camera and building an illusion. Why do they all have to be a personality who breaks the fourth wall and asks the performers dumb questions and attempting to make us laugh? I hated all the jibber jabber between the director barking like a dog and fighting with her tits. But after taking a gander of Kami's tits and ass, it's not a surprise why she's featured in this segment. That, and she's being paid. You have to appreciate Kami's convincing delivery of the fucking though as she seems to be experiencing something new and screams in slight pain. Next, she sucks on hubby as Kamen fucks her from behind and glares at the camera the entire time. The two men stand over her as she sucks them off leading to a streaming finisher that even Kamen can't really believe herself. "New Scene" is an asinign segment addition that really could have been spared the compilation treatment.

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Speaking of anti-climaxes, "Naked Hollywood #5: Nina and John" features a very briefly seen but hot Nina Hartley who I absolutely dig in porn. I think she's one of the hottest legendary porn stars who ever lived and really hasn't lost her looks over the years. There's also the benefit that Nina is stacked from the floor up, and I was pleased that this segment included to add a bit of credibility otherwise painfully lacking. It's a shame there's not more of Nina in this segment and she doesn't get too creative, but then I guess that's the point. I almost expected to see: "Check out "Naked Hollywood 5" for the full segment," appear in the bottom of the screen. On the other hand, "Poundcakes: Sara & Jack" is another great segment that has me hooked from the first second. Sara Jay is absolutely hot and stacked and she looks damn good standing around in her black dress flirting with Officer Buffman, and you have to love the tattoos on her back. Sara can't help but admire Buffman's piece between his pants, and begins making out with him as he rubs her tits. Sara towers over him, but that doesn't stop him as he licks her tits. Sara Jay is a great addition here, and her humongous ass paired with her gorgeous tits make her a mountain any man would love to climb.

Naomi's ass (Your Ass is Mine #2: Naomi & Jerry) is a prize peach, bulging and glistening in the lights and she looks damn good in her bikini dress first modelling for the camera. The director grabs her ass in as many angles as possible from close-ups to slow pans, and though it's a bit overkill, she's fun to look at, nonetheless. She crouches down showing off her plump behind, and lies along the couch with her ass high in the air. Jerry appears from behind the couch like a mad stalker with twice the stupidity and instantly ruins the sexual atmosphere popping up very slowly with a goofy gaping expression, and you had to wonder about the reasoning here. What was the concept to this? Regardless she doesn't mind him ogling her and he leans over to caress and kiss her amazing rump, parting her cheeks, kissing her hole, and spanking her hard. He unclothes and mounts her from behind, clutching her tits and kissing her ass and lies down under her, eating her hole out as she moans and smirks with every hard spank she takes to the ass. He fully dives under her and sucks her ass out while she presses down along his face riding his mouth and reaches into his pants grabbing his cock and stroking him off. She unpants him and sucks his cock while Jerry licks at  her ass hungrily and they sixty nine each other with Naomi working his shaft and deep throating. Finally, Naomi leans down over the couch as Jerry slowly penetrates her rump, and thrusts calmly as she writhes screaming out, barely able to contain herself.

Amazon Jezebelle (Land of the Amazons: Jezebelle & Jerry) captures Jerry and pounces on him, unclothing and sitting on his face; he doesn't fight her and begins eating out her pussy while she groans and watches from above, much to her delight. This is one of the few segments that may inspire me to pick up the actual movie, mainly because any time I hear the words Amazon Woman, I get a hard on that nearly pops from my waist. Jezebelle looks hot and she dominates Jerry, tearing off her clothes after experiencing his tongue lashing and then taking his pants off, first kissing him, and then sliding down to engulf his cock in her mouth, sucking him off and licking his shaft. You have to love Amazons that can hunt and still have tattoos, make up and permed hair, don't you? That's a modern hunter.

Dr. Seuss couldn't have written a better title with "Black Poles for White Holes" if he tried, and it was only a matter of time before we got an interracial porn segment. That's not particularly a bad thing, but surely it seems kind of obligatory, in the end since black women are pretty much not the basis for the booty bash. Trinity and Sledge jiggle closely against each other, and Sledge clutches her big ass kissing her fondling her. She giggles as he undresses her, and slips off her short shorts kissing her tits folding her body along the arm of the couch. Her legs in the back of her head, Sledge leans over to eat her pussy out, and fingers her a bit. Sledge stands by the couch while Trinity sucks his cock, working the shaft all over and licking his head with a smirk. I'm not a big fan of the women who suck on a guy's cock and draw the spit wad from his head lingering on it. I find it absolutely disgusting, no matter who it is, and Trinity does it for a good long while. She finally mounts Sledge's rather ginormous dick almost unable to get it in all the way, but Sledge prevails, pushing it deep in to her pussy and pounding her hard and fast as she screams and flashes the camera with her gorgeous ass. After taking the pounding with a sheer wave of screams, she turns to ride his cock backward with the cock slamming her ass. You can even see her pussy red from the force of Sledge's cock, which is irritated from the looks of it. Sledge has at it, regardless, finally finishing off much to Trinity's mild relief.

In "Your Ass is Mine # 2: Luscious & Seth," Luscious's ass pops through the green fish net dress as she bends over and crouches down for the camera by the exercise equipment. She has a large ass and the director makes a note of showing us that by providing a close up to immense you can see the pores on her skin. And who can blame him? She's hot. She slowly undresses, first slipping off her g-string and flinging it at the camera, and fingers her hole for a long while for the camera. She turns sucking on a green dildo and inserts it into her bumb slowly and pleasantly, gasping and then smiling with pleasure. She eventually drifts over to the bed room playing ass aerobics for the camera, and Seth enters spanking her ass and biting her cheeks as she squeals with surprise moaning at the spanking received. He forces his fingers into her hol and leans her over eating her ass out as she squeals laughing. She wiggles her cheeks as he smothers his face in between her assy goodness, and she slips off her G-String while he jiggles his face, kisses, and spanks her large behind. Luscious screams and howls and growls at Seth's fucking and grabs on to his leg taking it with ferocity and begging for more. He spreads her out pounding her harder and harder with every challenging plea and scream, and finishes off on Luscious's luscious ass. Be sure to turn down your volume when watching it, because Luscious gets vicious.

Watching Isabella Soprano, I could only be reminded of Terry Crews in "White Chicks" who mutters probably the only funny line in the film: "She don't know it yet, but that's wifey right there." I love Isabella Soprano, she's just beyond a porn star, and yes the only reason I chose "Thick White Asses." Don't get me wrong, I love thick white female assess, but it's Isabella Soprano, I wrote a blog entry about her and I'm willing to battle a thousand wars for her. She's a definite cure for impotence and homosexuality. Oh yeah, I went there. Pool boy Kurt, in an attempt to get some notice, walks into Isabella's house and accidentally catches her on the couch fucking herself with a vibrator. Amused and turned on, he continues watching and giggles a bit and volunteers to fix her problem with her pussy which leads to a furious suck and fuck from lonely Isabella. It's a shame this segment was noticeably cut short because there seemed to be so much more to it in the end. Isabella looks great as always, and her segment is my favorite of the bunch, but I wanted more from this and it didn't pay off thanks to the noticeable truncation. There's a really hot moment where the two seem to get really into the scene and fuck just outright furiously which leads to a great finisher.

I wish that I could have enjoyed "Thick White Asses" much more, but in the end it's really just an almost endless pastiche of segments from probably better movies. The 243 minute run time does not compensate for a basically lazy and deceitful title that promises thick white asses and really just gives us recycled scenes from other films. Consumers would be advised to take heed of this title, and just rent it if you are anxious to see what is in here. But really, you'd be better off buying an actual porno that's not recycled material.

The audio and visuals vary from segment to segment so it was really hard to give a score to the quality, let alone really comment on it. For what it is, "Thick White Asses" is nothing short of typically brilliant quality. The sound is very clear and booming, and the video is sharp and always crisp and bright for viewing pleasure. There's not many kinks involved in the DVD beyond the changing audio levels for each segment.

Within the Extras there's really nothing of real note, but then what can you expect from a clip show? There's a "Bonus Scene" which is really just a left over segment from another film touted as an extra. There's also a photo gallery from the different movies that's pretty listless, and of course trailers, and URLs to the studio's websites. I can't believe they actually list "Dolby Digital Sound" as an extra.

After Thought:
What you have to ask yourself is: Is it worth your money to buy a four hour movie that's only a compilation of truncated scenes from other titles from Adam and Eve? If so, be aware that the compilation is a series of hits and misses with some segments that are dumb as all hell, and others that are really hot. In the end though it's really nothing but a con job meant to take your money and nothing more. Though I wasn't bored, I felt cheated and I don't like to be played for a fool. Rent this bitch if you have nothing better to do.

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