I loved the title, and I have to admit that instantly I felt compelled to review this by the title alone. Upon receiving the package, it's pretty much what I hoped. The packaging looks an awful lot like those cheesy action sexploitation flick from the seventies that really have no other intent but to show naked women and a lot of cheesy kung fu fighting. And damn it, you just have to love that opening menu that also follows along the same gimmick of a cheesy grind house flick that really should be taken with a tongue in cheek attitude. "Kung Fu Nurses a Go Go!" is a porno, but man it's just so much more than that. Imagine if Troma made hardcore porn and you'd basically get one of the most hilarious pornos I've ever seen. Hot girls fight in badly staged kung fu scenes, hot girls dance horribly, and male porn stars take a real beating from these psychotic women. The proceedings about to be described are too stupid to believe, but trust me, you'll want to see it for yourself, and those with great sense of humor will enjoy what occurs here, for sure. I laughed, I rolled my eyes, and I was pleasantly surprised.
Nurse Carrera Nurse Carrera just happened upon her latest patient who is suffering from massive exhaustion and lethargy. Typical in the porn world, nurse Carrera is dressed in a black leather nursing uniform and instantly recognizes Randy Spears who is a bit embarrassed by the fact that he's a porn star. Carrera is infatuated though, and admits to masturbating to his movies. The dialogue between the two is hilarious and well played out, and for once I didn't mind the foreplay before the fucking because Spears sells the disgruntled role. The two flirt for a while and Carrera quickly looks for excuses to touch his balls in spite of Spears best efforts to deflect her molestation. Nurse Carrera strips her top off revealing her gorgeous breasts, and Spears, amused, feels her up and the two begin making out. Spears, unable to resist, leans over sucking her tits and biting on her nipples as Carrera moans and slowly undresses as Spears kneels down to strip her leather suit off and eat her pussy out as she stands over him. She leans over on the bed revealing her bulbous ass, and Randy eats her hole out. Spears lays along the table as nurse Carrera leans over to suck his dick long and hard, and jerks him off.
She crouches along the table as Spears eats her pussy out, and fucks Carrera slowly and then quickly begins pumping her as she moans taking it hard. She then leans over as Spears begins butt fucking her furiously and straddles her ass as she screams out spreading her large cheeks. Spears then lays out along the bed as Carrera rides him from behind pounding her pussy, and leads to a heavy finisher from Spears. Spears is happy and "cleansed," and Carrera goes off to clean up returning fully clothed and forced Spears to take a suppository much to his surprise. As Spears sits and endures the pain, Carrera and another nurse get into a furious argument and a la "Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein" begin wrestling with the table holding Spears as he screams horrified. The two then get it on in pure slow motion ass kicking mode going all out poorly choreographed karate fighting, taking kicks and punches and drawing utterly hysterical laughter from yours truly. Would it have hurt to hire an actual choreographer? Regardless the kung fu devolves into cat fighting as they wretle along the ground and slam each other against the walls and accidentally jab Spears in the ass with a needle. The mayhem that ensues is much funnier than can be described but suffice it to say there's nothing like a fucking, and two hot women going at it as Spears endures all the suffering only to be pushed out a high story window. You have to love it!
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Nuse Maddox, dressed in a gorgeous candy stripe uniform, has returned to her current floor to her new patient discussing her most recent battle with Nurse Carrera and expresses her sheer anger at Carrera attempting to take over her floor, much to her patient's confusion. Sick and with a temperature, Maddox forces her patient to dance in spite of his confusion and the two dance at her command as she declares "It will be like a fucking sock hop," which then results into Maddox doing the running man, the chicken walk, and giving a lot of painful body blows to her poor patient, which causes a hearty laugh from Maddox. To make up for her lunacy, Maddox tends to her patient by sucking him off anxiously. The patient is no longer in pain and face fucks Nurse Maddox with his cock and eggs her on to deep throat him. She leans back spreading wide as he begins eating her pussy out as she demands him to make his tongue dance. Maddox is not only funny but she's damn sexy and she looks great in her nurse's uniform. It doesn't matter how many movies she's in, watching Maddox doing the running man will be on my mind forever. Fingering her, Maddox fucks his index digit, and mounts the patient backward riding his cock hard and furiously. She tears her uniform off and rides his cock as he groans pounding her from below. She turns straddling him and rides him along her couch moaning smacking his chest as he slaps her ass hard. The patient then spreads Maddox out along the bed and pounts her pussy, as she eggs him on to go harder and harder. Maddox leans over along the bed as he fucks her from behind, and dominates her going deeper and harder until finally finishing off on her face.
Nuse Meadows Nurse Meadows is angry that she has to pull in another shift while forced to be absent from the Go Go dance contest. Hubby isn't very sympathetic as she bitches, and Meadows insists that one thing makes her feel better. Cue a swift punch to the jaw of hubby as the two quickly begin posing and get into fisticuffs resembling Clusoe and Kato. Curiously enough hubby can't keep up as Meadows punches him with ease, jerks him by his ponytail, and launches tin plates at his face knocking him out cold. What's the point of this? Who cares? This is hysterical, and the two deliver the poor choreography with pure hilarity. You have to enjoy how hubby catches a plate in his mouth. Meadows and hubby fall into each others arms as the fighting subsides and begin making out, and Meadows spreads out to be eaten by hubby who is barely able to catch his breath but surely enough finds enough strength to eat her pussy out. Hubby then two finger fucks Meadows, as Meadows leans over on Hubby and begins slowly sucking his dick. Hubby clutches Meadows ass as she sucks him off and jerks him with both hands. Meadows then spreads out along the couch as Hubby penetrates her and quickly begins fucking her pussy with her left leg high in the air. Meadows mounts hubby and begins riding his cock as she screams out, clutching his chest, and stuffs his cock up her large ass wiggling her cheeks along the shaft and writhing in motion. She then bends over with her ass high in the air and hubby slowly fucks her from behind as she cries out in the couch and struggles to keep her balance. Hubby drills Meadows pounding her sharp and hard as she screams out and grabs the couch and moans as he dominates her ass and finishes off on Meadows.
Nikki Kane Nurse Kane is being trained by her sensei who is talking in a typical cliche kung fu movie dialect being repeatedly pummeled by her without much reaction. Frustrated at the lack of impact she's providing she finally knocks him out. After weathering the damage, sensei rebounds taking repeated kicks to the nuts squealing and dropping to the floor. Kane decides to examine his cock after the massive beating, and takes the stethescope to his bulge unable to hear much. She finally begins rubbing his member from inside his pants and kisses him as she jerks him off faster and faster. Sensei groans at her hand job and begins licking and grasping her tits leaning down to eat out her pussy, and rubs her clit as she moans loudly and weathers his finger manipulation. Kane leans over sucking his cock off as he rubs on her ass and begins eating her pussy out forming a sixty nine. Kane is laid out and Sensei sticks his big cock into her and pumps her as she screams out clutching the couch and squealing as he forces her down onto his shaft. Kane mounts Sensei from behind and slowly endures his long cock riding him with hesitation and then completely taking him hard as she cringes and screams out. Sensei fucks Kane slowly and softly since she seems unable to take it harder than she'd like and holds on as he does most of the fucking from below and pounds her mercilessly. Kane leans over while Sensei slowly penetrates her ass and pounds her from behind, and straddles her on the side rubbing her clit and fucking her deep, and finally kneels over her to finish on her chest, which results in Kane kicking him out as she prepares for a visit from her roommates.
Ryann Reynolds Reynolds arrives him to check her messages and is suddenly knocked from behind by Nurse Kane. The two prepare for fisticuffs and begin sloppily kicking at each other and throwing air punches swiping water bags at each other, dueling with dildos, no less. As they struggle with the weapons, Reynolds gets a call for the upcoming dance party and knocks Kane out running off to prepare. The bartender Mr. Thermopolis insists Reynolds is not supposed to be so early (bad acting included in his anger, by the way) and in spite of her requests insists he can't teach her how to dance, only to fight. Swiping his hands in the air like a narcoleptic bullfighter, he teaches Reynolds how to swipe her own hands around, and she is instantly turned on by his um... hand waving abilities. They begin making out in front of the bar, and Thermopolis leans her along the count sucking her tits and kissing her. He lifts her on to the counter and strips her down kneeling down to eat out her pussy. As he gives her a furious tongue lashing, he finger fucks her much to her surprise, and she screams out bracing the counter. He stands over her as she kneels down to suck his cock, and flashes the camera with her large ass. Reynolds strolls over to the bar again and spreads as Thermopolis slowly penetrates her, grasping her head and forcing her down onto his cock. He then leans Reynolds over on a bar stool and fucks her from behind slowly, and then completely ravages her ass as she screams out. Kung Fu bartender then lies along his couch as Reynolds mounts him backwards and rides him, and the fucking intensifies as she moans and he growls clutching her waist and forcing her down onto his cock, and finally leads to a heavy finisher. The fucking immediately ends and all the contestants have arrived to the dance party, as have the three main contestants who finally set off the dance contest we've been building up to.
April Aubrey, Jayne Langford, Kissy Kapri The individual dance contestants are absolutely hysterical and everyone gets their turn. The male porn stars pole dance awful, and there's barely any hint of a grimace in the bunch as the performers obviously struggle to keep their giggles down. Next is Nikki Kane who dances to the cheers of her audience, and then Reynolds who is almost as bad a dancer as Maddox is. It just goes to show you that beauty doesn't always equal grace, and you have to love the way Thermopolis convulses--erm, dances in the corner. The pink ladies then take their turn dancing in unison and individually slap at the bartender while dancing around the stripping pole. Enter "him" who happens to be the primary contestant but also an excrutiatingly awful dancer, but you have to love how he's praised as "amazing" by the pink ladies. Surely enough, "him" wins and stays to collect the rewards which includes the three pink ladies who fall at his feet. But they're not there for him, they're there for each other and the girl on girl ensues. The girls begin eating each other out and clutching their tits hard and going all out chaotic lesbian threesome mayhem fucking each other with a dildo and eating their pussy. It's a great finisher to an otherwise great porno.
Audio/Visuals: "Kung Fu Nurses..." is purposely filmed in a yellowish tint to help along the gimmick of the grindhouse sleaze feel that the director follows through with, so the visuals work well even in this yellow lens. The video is great and sharp and filmed in a wide screen format. The audio is perfect, and that counts for a lot with the movie because you have to be able to hear all the dialogue in order to really appreciate the comedic effect that they're striving for, and surely enough the soundtrack along with the body sounds are always crystal clear and perfect.
Goodies: Aside from the trailer to the movie in the opening menu, there's the thirty nine minute Behind the Scenes special for "Kung Fu Nurses a Go Go!" that features the making of the segment between Carrera and Spears exploring their strategy for Spears' shooting in her face and not her eye. As well, we get to see much more dancing from Maddox who is absolutely hysterical screaming "Dancing! Dancing! Do the swim! Agua! Agua!" Maddox obviously has a hard time staying in character the whole time as she dances and laughs hysterically. Maddox is a real character and her interaction with the director makes for the best moments of the special. One of the most grotesque moments involves Meadows leaning over to be fucked and performs a medley of "Smoke on the Water"... through farting! She farts in the fucking camera with ease and excitedly recollects the farting contests with her brother. It's not often a girl farts with ease and still ends up being incredibly bangable. Ryanna Reynolds has a great interview segment with the director. She's very unpretentious for a hot porn star as she's giggly, bubbly, and incredibly outrageous when talking. She yells alot, she giggles, and she looks like a fun person to be around, especially for a porn star who doesn't mind letting it all hang out. After watching her interview, I'm sad we didn't see more of her on the extras. She's very approachable. The Behind the Scenes feature is a great hour to spend after the movie, and on the various materials there is an extra segment, a demo reel, and trailers for other Wicked Pictures productions.
After Thought: For the fact that it's a really hot hardcore porn AND an action comedy of idiotic proportions, "Kung Fu Nurses a Go Go!" is worth the purchase for any and all porn and Troma fans and is probably one of the best pornos I've ever seen. I laughed my ass off at the poorly staged fight scenes, and impromptu dance sequences, and the cast looks like they're having a blast just kicking each other's asses. This is too great and original a porno to pass up, and I suggest checking it out when you can. Though a few bloopers wouldn't have hurt on the extras section.