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Theatre Film Classics-Why The Wooden Indian Wouldn't

Studio: Athletic Model Guild » Review by Poindexter X » Review Date: 2/4/08

XCritic's Advice: Watch It Online

Years of Production: 1969,1972

Directed By: Bob Mizer

Run time: 1 Hour and 10 Minutes

Athletic Model Guild:

During the 1940s, “cheesecake” photographs of cute gals in sexy peek-a-boo poses showing off their legs and some cleavage made an explosion in pop culture. The popularity of these slightly naughty blondes, brunettes, and redheads continued into the 1950s and early 1960s with the publication of Hugh Hefner’s Playboy magazine. At the time, there weren’t comparable mainstream companions to this type of frisky fun featuring the male form. In 1945, California photographer Bob Mizer took matters into his own hands and began photographing handsome young men wearing tight swim trunks and flexing their muscular bodies. Photographs of the male form could not be mainstreamed like their female counterparts and were thus published under the guise of use for instructional health, fitness, and bodybuilding purposes.

Throughout the years, small posing straps, bare backsides, and finally full frontal nudity replaced the tight swimsuits. Mr. Mizer never had a shortage of handsome men who had no problems showing their stuff for some extra cash. Mr. Mizer had a number of run-ins with the law due to some of the models being hustlers….something he had no control over. Bob Mizer died in 1992. In 1998, all Athletic Model Guild materials were sold to Dennis Bell who is keeping these wonderful vintage photographs and short movies in the public’s eye.

The Movie:

“Remember sucking cock in a dark theater balcony, by the light of a flickering projector? There was a time when movie theaters were the center of sexual culture. Between 1969 and 1972, on the heels of multiple battles, AMG founder Bob Mizer premiered a series of semi-hardcore titles at Los Angeles’ Park Theater. These vintage “loops” are Theater Film Classics. This, the first edition, is an ode to classic male archetypes that peppered Mizer’s films. There are cowboys, Indians, sailors, and even a drag queen. Vive le Mizer!”


Eddie Scott, Phillip Morrison, Tom Egelhoff, Kurt Koenig, John Lee, Jim Lee, Robert Weaver, and Lee Randall.

“The Wooden Indian” (1969):

Horny cleaning dude Phillip Morrison (good-looking with short dark hair, toned/smooth body) is busy with his red feather duster cleaning various museum items. He happens upon a statue of a sexy American Indian (Eddie Scott—cute with short dark hair, toned/smooth body) complete with headdress and tomahawk. Phillip is immediately drawn to the appealing display and voices his attraction in a wonderfully stilted dialogue reading. “Wow! What a wonderful piece of sculpture this wooden Indian is!” “Wow! He’s built great!” “Wow! He sure is lifelike!” Lusty curiosity soon sets in with Phillip asking aloud, “I wonder if they put all the details in?” He sheepishly looks around to insure the cost is clear and then peeks under Eddie’s loincloth exposing full dark pubes, plump balls, and a cut cock. “Yeah, everything’s there!”

By some unknown magic or perhaps Phillip’s raging hormones, Eddie comes to life and orders Phillip to feel his chest and legs. Phillip removes his work suit revealing his sexy toned/smooth body, full dark bush, and big clipped cock leading Eddie to feel him up running his hands over Phillip’s bum, legs, and chest. The dudes perform a hilarious nude “rain dance” complete with loud chanting, flopping cocks, and a tambourine! Ha! The dance is accompanied by a Western player piano-style ditty! Phillip gives Eddie a quick massage and the dudes engage in some very quick dry kissing before Eddie pulls wads of cash out of a nearby display and then turns back into wood.

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“Not For Sale” (1972):

Sailor Kurt Koenig (good-looking with short blond hair, muscular/smooth body) sits on a park bench looking at a titty magazine when cocky rich dude Tom Egelhoff (good-looking with brown pompadour, toned/smooth body) walks up wearing groovy striped pants, blue silk shirt, and colorful ascot which reminds me of Freddy from “Scooby Doo”. “Hmmm. Hey Sailor! Stand up and turn around once!” Kurt complies with Tom’s orders but quickly ties of being treated like a piece of meat. “Push off, Buddy!” Tom won’t take no for an answer becomes testy. “I know what you’re here for and don’t give me some of that silly stuff like you’re here to meet some dame!” Ha!

Back at his lavishly decorated apartment complete with chandelier, blue silk sofa, red curtains, and a nude statue, Tom looks at a muscle man magazine and rubs the bulge in his pants while pouting about the uninterested Sailor. Lucky for him, Kurt simply wanted a “please” instead of following orders from some jerky moneybags and soon shows up on the doorstep and more hilariously bad acting ensues. The dudes immediately get down to some very heavy petting and dry kissing. “Oh my God! This feels so good! I can’t believe it!” The dudes strip down with Tom showing off his full pubes and hard clipped cock and Kurt his full bush, and clipped tool. The guys roll around on that posh sofa engaging in soft-core sex that really isn’t very exciting but does include plenty of pickle shots. In the end, Kurt tells Tom, “You sure can’t buy it, honey but you sure can get it for free!”

“My Brother, The Sister” (1972):

To gain membership into his college’s fraternity, Jim Lee (cute with short dark hair, toned/smooth body) dresses in cheap drag (complete with fake tits) and must sit for half an hour in a local park. Frankly, there is no way anyone would believe that he’s a gal. Jim slouches on the park bench with an irritable look on his face fending off a number of “weirdoes” including a religious zealot asking, “Have you been saved, young lady?” and a real gal with cool “That Girl” hairdo and stretch pants who wants Jim to become a hooker. “Hi Sister! There’s a couple of fellas and we….do you want to make some money?” (Nope. That’s not a typo. The gal stumbles over her lines! Ha!). When horny Sailor John Lee (cute with dark hair, toned/smooth body) comes on too strong, Jim has some sharp words for him. “Go eat a fish or something, duck! If I was going with a serviceman it wouldn’t be a Sailor it would be a Marine!”

Somehow John follows Jim home (groovy apartment with a red bed and aqua walls) were the dudes go on and on and on with horrible acting. John finally plops down on the bed and beings yanking off his clothes. “I’m just makin’ myself ta home. Sit down and take your clothes off. Make yourself ta home. It’s your pad.” Impatient, Jim snaps, “I know it’s my pad!” Ha! John is soon naked showing off his full dark pubes and cut cock as Jim undresses revealing his full bush and large uncut pole. “Oh come on, man. I know you’re gay. I know you’re a drag queen. Give me a little head!” The dudes roll around having soft-core sex that is more hilarious than hot with nice camera shots of those full pubes, cocks, and hairy butt cracks.

“The Cowboy and the Rancher’s Son” (1972):

Cowboy Lee Randall (good-looking with short brown hair, muscular/smooth body) catches the eye of spoiled Rancher’s Son Robert Weaver (cute with dark hair, tall/slender/smooth body). “If you treat me right, I can do a lot for you. Get you some new boots and that pony you’ve been lookin’ at.” Ha! Well, Lee doesn’t want anything to do with the spoiled young man since he’s only into gals. After the dudes go on and on and on back ‘n forth with horrible line readings, Lee finally gives in. “Just to keep you off my back, I’ll go down to the meadow with you….but just to talk.” Ha!

The “meadow” turns out to be some ugly rocks where Robert strips down showing off his full dark pubes and clipped dick and begins rubbing Lee’s back. After being threatened with getting fired (“Yeah, I like my job! It’s a good job and I do a good job at it!”), Lee allows Robert to undress him revealing full dark pubes, plump balls, and a clipped cock. Robert moves into action licking Lee’s hard nipples and then chows down giving some off screen head as Lee moans and protests the entire time and a dog barks in the background.



The “loops” featured here were shot on 16 MM and The Athletic Model Guild has cleaned up the print to look very nice. The picture is still a bit grainy but looks damn good for being so old.


The sound is clear but goes up ‘n down in volume and sounds tinny at some points. Still, it’s clean enough to easily hear the dudes’ hilarious dialogue and horrible acting.


The disc includes an interactive menu (featuring various models as they address the camera), scene selection, an extra “loop” entitled “Wayne Cossey Posing” (1976) featuring a good-looking dude with blow-dry hair, mustache, toned/smooth body, full dark pubes, and plump cut cock posing/flexing by a swimming pool (2:22), a slideshow of very cool vintage Park Theater movie posters which is wonderful for movie geeks like me. There are some interesting titles here including “The Other Kind”, Fagman and Bobbin’ ” (!), “Nude Gymnasium”, and “Found In Space” (in Astro-Color!) (2:45). Also included is an intermission clip with Kurt Koenig and Tom Egelhoff sitting naked addressing the camera, a plentiful slideshow of color photographs from each “loop”, and trailers for: “Hardcore Classics”, “Retro Sex Archive: A&E: Anal and Erotic 19 and 20”, “Amazonia: Captured”, “Amazonia: Released”, and “Gemeos”. Overall, a very nice selection of bonus materials.

Poindexter’s Roundup:

“Why the Wooden Indian wouldn’t” is an entertaining collection of soft-core “loops” from 1969 and 1972 that were originally shown at the Park Theatre in Los Angeles. These “loops” are cool with cute dudes, full frontal nudity, simplistic storylines, and hilarious dialogue/acting. Since the movies are soft-core, the vintage aspects are what interest me the most. I love seeing how apartments are decorated and how the dudes are dressed. Gaudy furnishings and groovy pants and shirts abound. I enjoyed the plot and dialogue in “My Brother, The Sister” the most since there is no way anyone could mistake Jim Lee for a real gal. The acting in “The Cowboy and the Rancher’s Son” is quite natural at some points, which leads me to believe that it could have been at least partly improvised. The dudes’ performances become stiff and uneasy once they begin reciting memorized lines.

At the end of each “loop”, the dudes hold signs with their names and address the camera introducing themselves. Some of the dudes will talk a little about their interests and what they want to achieve in life. I find these short sections to be fascinating, as I want to know more about the dudes and how did they end up in these movies? Finally, I loved the slideshow of Park Theatre movie posters! I’m a big ol’ movie geek and this neat-o bonus is right up my alley. I suggest a Rent It for those interested in vintage all-male erotica and again, this would be a fun entertainment for a party.

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