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Getting It Up With The Kardassians

Studio: Juicy Entertainment » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 3/11/08

XCritic's Advice: Recommended

Kendra Secrets and Derrick Pierce

Getting It Up With The KardASSians

Venom Multimedia/Exquisite


Genre: Vignette

Director: Jordan Septo

Audrey Bitoni and Jack Venice

Cast: Kendra Secrets, Derrick Pierce, Mikayla, Talon, Audrey Bitoni, Jack Venice, Starla Sterling, Van Damage, Eva Angelina, Nikki Benz

Length: 128:58 minutes

Starla Sterling looking at a mighty nasty cock (note the discoloration).

Date of Production: 11/27/2007

Eva Angelina about to tap Nikki Benz and Audrey Bitoni!

Extra's: The best extra, as always, was the 13:06 minute long Behind the Scenes feature. It was mostly some additional tease footage, added solo work, and posing for the photogallery but it still added some value. I wished it was as long as some of Jordan's previous BTS features but it did manage to offer some fun material. There was also a photogallery, slipcase, and pop shot compilation from the scenes but the BTS was easily the best extra by far.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: Getting It Up With The KardASSians was presented in the usual 1.33:1 ratio full frame color as originally shot by director Jordan Septo for release by Venom Multimedia. The lighting was solid in most cases and that led to limited amounts of grain and video noise compared to similar movies by other directors. The composition of the shots was virtually always favorable to the ladies, focusing on their strengths rather than minor flaws in most cases, and that added some measure of fun to the scenes here. The DVD was mastered well enough and I thought the visual elements worked very nicely generally speaking. The bitrate hovered around the 4.5 Mbps mark, typically just shy of it, for most of the movie and I saw no compression artifacts as a result. The 2.0 Dolby Digital English audio was slightly hollow in the limited setting of the couch in the living room in most cases. I could not always hear the vocals well enough for my tastes so they were sometimes a bit mixed in terms of quality but once the sex started, everything sounded fine. The audio had the standard bitrate of 192 Kbps and was about average in most ways.

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Body of Review: Jordan Septo has been directing for years, some sources even comparing his work to that of an early Stagliano or Collins (leaders of the industry back in the early 1990's) as released by Venom Multimedia. His style has been evolving in recent months to attempt vignette styled scenarios that add acting to the formerly straight forward gonzo titles he has mustered up in the past, the latest one being Getting It Up With The KardASSians, poking fun at the socialite more effectively than her sex tape release ever could have. The back cover said it like this: "America's favorite 'celebutante' is bringing you home to meet her family and friends. Once you spend time with her cheating parents, slutty sister, and her attention grabbing friends, you'll be glad you stopped by. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure does get these socialites a good time." While Jordan is still new to this approach, his all star cast should satisfy even the most jaded of you out there as he builds his resume even further than before. That said, here's a brief glimpse into the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used:

Scene One: Kendra Secrets, a fetching brunette with a lean body and winning smile, played a protective MILF as head of the household while inviting studly Derrick Pierce into her den of iniquity. Her pink slip half open, it attracted his attention as her breasts heaved to and fro, leading to a kiss and some titty play. He pawed her crotch as well, warming her up to the point where she wanted to wrap her lips around his raging hard on. He assisted her in driving the shaft deeply into her mouth, the gal jerking him off to work him up to the point where he couldn't wait to sink his rod into her cookie. She actively rode the cock and the way her ass cheeks rippled was sweet! This continued on the couch until he also took her ass, Kendra slowing down but showing some chemistry with the guy as he hammered away at her back door. That helped him launch a load of population pudding on her face, the gal sucking him clean before the next scene took place.

Scene Two: Mikayla, a major brunette hotty with an inviting attitude all her own, was up next with physical fitness trainer Talon; the pair unable to keep their hands off one another. He revved her engine by feeling her up and she dropped to her knees to aggressively suck start his rod, practically attacking the cock with her mouth and hand as she made occasional eye contact with him to elevate the smoking chemistry shown. The camera might have been too frequently involved in showing close ups this time but it illustrated Jordan's willingness to explore her curvy body as well as provide some superior footage of her face during the knob slobbing fun. This led to her world class ass pumping on his lap, her dripping wet pussy pounding on his cock with my only complaint being the contrast of the closed window behind her during the medium shot (which would probably work if shown on a high definition format like blu-ray). Mikayla's moans and dirty talk were sweet, adding replay value to the scene, with her PTM showing a lot of love for her own juices. The attention her perfect ass got from the camera, especially during the standing oral work, was appreciated and the only other thing I would have wanted was a lengthier session of tease. The scene ended when he busted a nut on her face, Mikayla doing some post coital head to make it even better. Yum!

Scene Three: Audrey Bitoni, the curvy gal on the front cover, was up next as she made out on the couch with Jack Venice. He tripped her trigger and she responded well enough, purring in delight even before she took his dick in her mouth to active suck like a candy cane (much like Mikayla). Playing the lead slut of the day (thanks to a passing resemblance to the starlet herself), she was less held back then she normally is when shot by Robby D., Jordan bringing out the nastier side of the young performer very nicely indeed. Jack fingered her as she attacked his meat, Audrey unable to get enough of his stuff, with the pair moving to a heated vaginal plowing afterwards. Jack did most of the work initially but she contributed as time went on, really pumping herself when situated on top of his lap. This was probably the most aggressive I have ever seen her in a scene and it suited her really well. The intermittent oral she provided was hot and the fact that they both had to take a break from boning to catch their breath spoke volumes as to the quality of the scene. The resulting nut he rubbed out on her face showed that he was really holding off too, glazing her face even when missing her with much of it. Yowza!

Scene Four: Starla Sterling, a blond built for comfort over speed in her blue jean shorts and tiny bikini top, was up next and looking for a massage. She was stuck working with Van Damage this time, his penis really showing his state of health (the skin discoloration at the top really grossing me out more than usual), but showed the kind of enthusiasm that few could muster for a guy like this (still not much though); earning a nod for acting ability. Starla was no stranger to blowjobs and provided him with a decent one, using her hand a lot as she took him orally and then vaginally, albeit with less appeal than her usual scenes would show. If you like BBW types, even Van's presence shouldn't put you off seeing this one but she wasn't at her most active either. He tightness milked him early too, the semen landing on her right titty, the camera shot too willing to display her implant scars for my tastes.

Scene Five: Eva Angelina, Nikki Benz, and Audrey Bitoni, were up last in a lesbian scene on the bed. Each gal had their own appeal going for them; from Nikki's curves to Audrey's sultry desire to Eva's playfulness at wielding the strap on dildo. They licked and fingered each other a bit but the screwing portion was better by half as far as I was concerned, Eva at the helm of the toy while the others squealed in delight feeling each other up. More toys came out and the receiving duo ganged up on Eva to give her some vibrational work, applying a large vibrator on her clitoris that got her off a few times. I would best characterize the scenes as short but sweet, all three ladies offering up some warmth.

Summary: Getting It Up With The KardASSians by director Jordan Septo for Venom Multimedia might not have quite caught the spirit of the vignette that works best but his learning curve is such that any time now he will be the cock of the walk in that regard, having to accept that four out of five scenes worked nicely as stroke fodder. The rough edges aside, his selection of cast members was pretty solid except for one guy that needs to stick with condoms given his disfigured cock and the movie earned a rating of Recommended for the amount of fuck for the buck strokability and replay. In short, Getting It Up With The KardASSians offered up a nice assortment of fun sex as brought to the world by Jordan Septo, establishing once again that he can do more than just gonzo porn.


You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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