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Almost Illegal

Studio: Other » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 3/14/08

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

"Almost Illegal" was a real hit or miss affair with me. On one hand it was bold enough to include some interesting sex devices like licking the men's butt holes, and featuring Angela Stone's famous cum fountain, but on the other hand, it's pretty damn disgusting at times with the typical spitting I think there was some phlegm too. There's also some of the most atrocious sound I've ever heard in a porno. I couldn't understand a damn thing anyone said here, and while sound is never top priority during a porno, it would be nice to hear the set up, however poor they were. And did I mention the crappy direction? I will.

The sound is so absolutely terrible here that I couldn't understand what these two were going on about, but I'm assuming since I heard the word England, one of them are from Europe and this has something to do with their sexuality or something. Either way, they immediately go to work as Holly pulls her top down to have her lovely tits sucked by her mate. She leans back to undress and her mate appears seconds later magically without clothes and gets sucked off by her. He sits down and she leans over to suck him off grossly spitting on his cock and sucks him while he clutches her hair and groans. He spreads and she leans down to go to work on his hole, licking his balls and then sticking her tongue up his cake hole anxiously. She goes to work on his cock again, phlegm and all, cue nausea, and she stands to get fondled by him finally mounting him taking his cock up her ass. and pounds it in, speeding up and then slowing down while getting spanked hard. She sucks him off and then turns to get her pussy pounded, as he sits licking her tits. Holly looks absolutely fantastic and she has some great legs, it's just a shame the fucking director often jiggles the camera around making it a dizzying affair. She leans down again to suck him off after a hefty pounding and jiggles his cock around her pussy to ride him again. She leans over with her ass in the air and takes it up the ass hard, until finally leaning down to suck his cock. After another heavy fucking session, she takes it in the face much to her delight.

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The sound for this segment is much better, as the dialogue is much more audible and in spite of the stupid dialogue, I really did find this exchange believable. And let's not forget Bobbi who isn't just sexy but awfully adorable, to boot. Brace face boyfriend gets his wish for fucking as Bobbi leans over to make out with him and he gets to work rubbing her legs and tits while she clutches his cock softly. She unzips his pants pulling out his cock and jerks him off while he slips off her shirt and then her top. He leans over to suck his tits, and, for a guy begging to be fucked, he takes his tim leaning her over dropping her shorts and fondling her ass while she kisses him. He stands to get his cock sucked by Bobbi who deep throats him and jerks him off. He goes to work on her pussy, sucking and licking her clit, and begins to fuck her slowly as she fingers herself. He bends her over to pound her ass softly and then hard, while she leans down to take the beating, screaming like a motorized vaccum. Her boyfriend revels in the slow light fucking, and Bobbi groans rubbing her ass. After dominating her, she turns to suck his cock, and is bent over again to take a fucking. After sucking him off while fingering herself, she's spread on her back to be fucked by him slowly as she does most of the work fingering herself. After being banged from the back, she leans down to suck him off taking a squirting in the face.

Kissy looks great lying down on the carpet reading the porn mag, and you have to love that tattoo that stretches down her right leg. The sound here is almost as sucky as Holly's with their dialogue mostly audible. I wish someone knew how to work a boom mic in this movie. Either way, whatever conversation they engage in triggers them to make out, as Kissy is spread apart to be eaten by hubby who fingers and eats her clit simultaneously. She leans down and gets rapidly face fucked by him, and stands to strip slowly, clutching her petite tits, and dances for him. She mounts him riding his cock quickly and straddles him furiously, screaming and tonguing, and he spreads her on her back to pound her as she rubs her clit and screams out. She turns to ride him again and leans over rubbing her tits while getting fucked up her ass. She rubs her pussy screaming out while he pounds her from behind, and sits up to take his cum in her face, swallowing and sucking him off.

Angela sits by the pool soaking her legs and enjoying the sun as her boyfriend comes over and attempts to persuade her to go inside the house to engage in sex with her, but Angela refuses, insisting she just wants to relax and sit by the pool. This segment would be boring if she just did nothing but sit in the pool soaking her legs for twenty minutes, so of course, he eventually persuades her. He volunteers to take her shirt off when she complains of the heat and is instantly turned on by her green top. While Angela is a cute girl, she's much too skinny to really get turned on by her for my taste. She has no curves and no really interesting features, which distracts from the actual segment, sadly. After nipping at her tits, and rubbing her clit, she bends down to suck him off, and he lifts her leg to fuck her quickly and hard. Displaying that spraying power we've seen from her in the past, Angela cums spraying out along the patio chair, and screaming as he smacks her pussy with his cock. He fucks her again triggering her cum spraying right into the pool with immense force, and he bends her over to slowly fuck her ass and dominates her. He diverts back to her pussy, and we all know what's coming up, Angela spraying. He pounds her for a bit and smacks his cock against her pussy which triggers her spraying all over him and lays down to eat her, then pounds her again this time with him squirting on her.

Aariella is getting a deep massage on her ass and is noticeably getting aroused as he brings down her towel to rub her ass long and deep. She smirks groaning and biting into the towel, and raises her ass to take to the rubbing. He begins fingering her hole and massaging her clit as she moans, and finger fucks her ass fiercely. She turns on her back to take the rubbing on her tits, and slowly down to her clit, prompting him to go down on her. He eats her pussy and then inserts both fingers into her pussy jabbing them in and out as she spreads wide. He then spreads her wide to fuck her as she screams out, and leans her over to fuck her bubble butt as she smirks and watches him. She slides onto her back to get fucked by him again, and then takes another pounding in the ass before leaning over to take a squirt in the mouth, finishing off with a brief blow job.

The audio is absolutely dreadful from beginning to end. One segment has sound so low even turning my television all the way up, I couldn't understand a damn thing they were saying, while another segment featured mediocre sound with the dialogue coming in well enough but still very difficult to comprehend. Either the sound department screwed the pooch, or director Lee hired a monkey to operate the boom mic. I actually think a monkey would have done a better job with the sound, in the end. Director Bud Lee is rather terrible with camera angles that are difficult to enjoy, he constantly shifts the scenes shaking the camera like a voyeur rathe than simply cutting to another angle, and then doesn't add any flair to the proceedings. It's full screen, and the colors are often very dull adding that sheer sense of doldrum to the movie. This needed energy and the photography failed to inject it.

There are sadly only three special features. There's an eight minute Behind the Scenes featurette which is about as lethargic as the entire film and DVD. See the director set up a shot for Kissy, see the director taking pictures of Kissy, see the result of Kissy fucking. Angela takes pictures by the pool, Angela poses, and my head hurts from smashing into my desk unconscious in boredom. Mercifully it's only eight minutes, and they make a wise decision of talking to Bobbi who is at least fun to watch joke around and goof with the director. Bobbi's a doll. There's also the Photo Gallery which is the exact same series of photos we saw being taken in the behind the scenes feature.

After Thought:
I wish I had better things to say about "Almost Illegal," but it's sad when the opening montage is much better than the whole film put together. The entire production from Bud Lee is lethargic and redundant, the photography and camera work sucks, the sound is irritating, the actresses look bored, and the extras are anemic, but you have to love the performers working to their strengths including Angela Stone who demonstrates her squirting power! I wouldn't suggest buying it, I'd just say to rent it and watch it once and be done with it.

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